Thank you

ozoneranger · Apr 9, 2009

When I began posting to Allnurses again, I'd been thinking of returning to nursing for some time. Coming here helped to remind me that I'm not the only individual to feel the weight that comes with the job.

For that, for the friendship, the giggles & the belly laughs...I thank you.

My nursing career lasted 22 years. By the time I left, I was unable to sleep the nights before I worked a shift, I cried on my way to work, knowing we would be stripped to bare bones, without the resources needed to do justice by the people in my care, and I went home that night feeling defeated, demoralized & broken.

I had to keep that job, my husband was in school full time & I was the only source of income our family had.

I was stuck.

I was suicidal.

To this day I feel inadequate & ashamed, though I did nothing wrong.

I was fired because my clinical mgr. had read my chart while I was a patient in the hospital where I worked. She was caught red handed, I was not the first person she'd done that to, but I was the only person to file a formal complaint. So, she was given a raise & a transfer, and naturally, I was fired.

That experience was the worst I'd had in all my life, until last fall.

It began with my entry into the sport of accidental gymnastics.

I was competing in the 'fall through the floor' routine while working on the house we're remodeling. Even though my score for the back flip with a half twist was near perfect, that tough German judge knocked off a full point when I screamed like a little girl as my body collided with a floor joist covered in rusty nails.

Other than that little blood curdling scream, my performance was near prefect.

I broke several ribs, & when the pain got so bad that everything I ate came back up, I was sent for a CT.

Not long after the CT, a rash broke out on my right shin, and left forearm. This rash is turning my skin a deep orange color, it feels thick, leathery, and is leaving scars as affected areas clear the initial rash.

My doctors first concern was all the things I've been exposed to during the tear out phase of the house remodel & possible contact dermatitis. After 6 months of investigation & enough steroids to float a battleship, still no relief.

Then we explored the possibility of a reaction to Gadolinium, the contrast dye used in the CT. Gadolinium has been linked to Nephrogenic Systemic Fibrosis (NSF) a disorder characterized by widespread tissue fibrosis, and looks frighteningly familiar......

Once we r/o NSF, we looked at lupus, cancer, atopic dermatitis & twenty other conditions that I can't pronounce, much less spell.

While it's nice to know that I'm probably not dying (good thing too, I don't know when I'd ever make the time to get a funeral planned) we still don't know what's going on.

This is getting a bit frightening. I'm stressed beyond anything I've ever experienced.

But coming here, reading the stories of others who've run the gauntlet of emotions that we all experience in this line of work........interacting with nurses again has been therapeutic,

I don't feel so alone anymore.

I may be scared outta my mind, but I'm not alone.

Thank you for allowing me to come here & reminding me that I did my best all those years.

Thank you for laughing with me.

Thank you for all the 'kudos'

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

travel50 · Apr 9, 2009

Well, now, if I had time, I'd laugh and cry with you! Trouble is, I am in a rush to get to work...I am the DON at the nursing home. I never get my work done, never enough time, stuff is never good enough, I am usually quite frustrated, never have enough help b/c they will call in (like b/c their dog had puppies!!!), etc. You know the routine. I keep telling myself I am making a difference...and most days I think I do. I'd love to quit. I did quit once, never intending to return. But there is something about 6 hungry little kids that will send a mom back to work almost anywhere, including the street corner. (That's where a nursing degree does come in handy!!!!) Kids are grown now. I could quit. But do I make a difference? Your health troubles are not at all funny, but your rendition gave me a laugh. Have you considered consulting a naturpath? I kept thinking my daughter could hook you right up...she is a fanatic on natural remedies, and it is amazing some of the stuff she comes up with, and they actually work. But she is not an actual naturpath. Anyway, I hope you keep posting. I'll be searching for you.

ozoneranger · Apr 9, 2009

Well, now, if I had time, I'd laugh and cry with you! Trouble is, I am in a rush to get to work...I am the DON at the nursing home. I never get my work done, never enough time, stuff is never good enough, I am usually quite frustrated, never have enough help b/c they will call in (like b/c their dog had puppies!!!), etc. You know the routine. I keep telling myself I am making a difference...and most days I think I do. I'd love to quit. I did quit once, never intending to return. But there is something about 6 hungry little kids that will send a mom back to work almost anywhere, including the street corner. (That's where a nursing degree does come in handy!!!!) Kids are grown now. I could quit. But do I make a difference? Your health troubles are not at all funny, but your rendition gave me a laugh. Have you considered consulting a naturpath? I kept thinking my daughter could hook you right up...she is a fanatic on natural remedies, and it is amazing some of the stuff she comes up with, and they actually work. But she is not an actual naturpath. Anyway, I hope you keep posting. I'll be searching for you.

Ah, kids. I have 3, mostly because I didn't want 4. My older 2 are grown & were shoved out of the nest years ago...yet I still think they're conspiring to storm the house & reclaim it. My middle child is pregnant with my first grandchild & geeze....was I that hormonal when I was preggers? Probably. I swear, she can levitate. We just throw a pint of Ben & Jerry's into the room she's in before we enter, it keeps her occupied, giving us time to find adequate cover.

I prefer natural remedies, all these steroids they gave me tore my system up & did nothing to help the situation. I remain amazed at how when a drug doesn't work, they just give me more..............hell-o.....didn't work the first time.

He gave me samples of Clobex yesterday, along with a coupon for $45.00 off...silly me, I though wow...with this coupon it'll be free...ah, no. It'll be $98.00 after the coupon & insurance.... :uhoh3:

So, if you can hook me up, I'd be grateful.