Sympathy card given to patients with fetal demise

Specialties Ob/Gyn

Published

Last night at work was a day from *&^(. I had a patient come in and she was in very active labor. This was her 4th child and we knew that labor was something she was familiar with. I got her on the toco an then started looking for heart tones, and couldn't find them. I just started in labor 2-3 months ago, so I thought maybe it was my inexperience. Though the lady was pretty small, and I couldn't quite figure out what the problem was. The thought never occurred to me that maybe there were no heart tones. A co-worker came in and told me to go lower. She didn't realize that I started lower, and had been looking for 10 minutes.

Well to make a long story short the lady delivered a stillborn beautiful baby boy at 40 weeks gestation about 1/2 hour later. She came in a week before this with braxton hicks and the baby's Fetal heart tones looked great.

They were passing a card around for us to sign for the patient, and I want to say something from the heart about how truly sorry I am. I also want to say something about how beautiful the baby was. Does anyone have any words of advice or poems that they put on cards. I have had a few demises lately and everyone always states pretty much the same thing.

"I am sorry for your loss, and my thoughts and prayers are with you"

Thanks for any advice.

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Specializes in Community, OB, Nursery.

Saying how beautiful the baby is is a very good idea. You might also want to point out specific features you notice - hair, fingers, etc.

Once I told a patient (who didn't want to see her baby at the time - we took a picture of her anyway & gave it to her in a box), "I don't know if you'll ever get to the point where you are ready to see her picture, but if you do, I want you to know that I think she's beautiful." Of course, you could adapt it to your specific situation.

Kudos to you for caring enough to want to say the right thing. :icon_hug:

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Specializes in Med/Surg. for now.

Having been on both sides of this situation I have to first thank you for caring!! My daughter just lost her beautiful baby girl at 20 weeks. She had to go through the labor and delivery with her husband and I at her side. She went in for her regular OB exam and they could not find a heartbeat...long story short...the nurses and the doctor that we eventually found were wonderful. (Original doc wanted her to wait 5 days before he would induce her cause it "might interfere with my weekend", and he wasn't even on call).

The note that all the nurses signed were from their heart and meant a lot to my daughter, her husband and myself. So, I guess what I am trying to say is that if it comes from the heart it will be right. I do think that commenting on a characteristic of the baby is a good thing...I especially remember my granddaughter's perfect little hands...

Paula

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Specializes in midwifery, NICU.

So sad for your daughter, NursePaula, so sad for you all. Am thinking of you all, it must be a terrible time, hopes and expectations gone. (((((hugs))))), to you and your darling daughter and son in law.

The angels must be holding your wee ones perfect wee hands. xc

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Specializes in Med/Surg. for now.

Thank you for your kind words...

My mom is rocking her new baby great-granddaughter. She is named after her, Shirley Rose. My heart still aches for myself and my daughter and son-in-law.

:scrying:

Paula

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Specializes in midwifery, NICU.

Paula, I know your heart will still ache hon, but get a cuddle from that wee bundle to ease your pain, it wont make it go, but cuddles from an innocent wee baby just make ache a bit easier. If you cry, so what? that darling baby will either cry with you, or look at you with age old wisdom! Do hope you and your family get through this. xc

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Specializes in Med/Surg. for now.

The doctor that I "found" by calling another hospital in another town besides the one her OB doctor practiced in understands grieving and all that it takes to be okay with a piece of your heart missing. He has been wonderful with my daughter and from the first moment he sat down and talked to her she felt hope for the future.

When we left the hospital I told the doctor that he was really a midwife in disguise. He said that he was honored! We are on the roller coaster of emotions, but we all know that we will be okay.

The original doctor that we ditched actually had the nerve to call me with a thinly veiled threat about 'you should know better then to go around me and go to another doctor when you are in the system". Guess he forgot that I am first a Mom and second a Nurse (aka patient advocate). :angryfire

Thanks again to all you OB nurses that do what you do!! You are truly angels...

Paula

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Specializes in Med/Surg. for now.

Oh, and yes I did hold a beautiful little boy (5 weeks old) and cried and loved him, very healing....thank you for your kind words and support...

Paula

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Specializes in Med/Surg. for now.

Sunny,

I apologize for hijacking your post...but the bottom line is your heart will lead you in the right direction...and if a baby dying ever quits hurting you as a nurse then it is time to change areas. I took care of a 9 month old in Hospice 4 years ago and I still think of him when "Nemo" comes on...he will forever have a piece of my heart.

Paula

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Hi Sunny,

First off, as someone who's experienced both sides of this firsthand, I applaud you for wanting to be therapeutic in your response. Believe it or not, medical personnel are the worst about turning a baby into a fetus, in my experience. It's a way of being able to cover up emotions and continue to do their jobs. After all, we, as nurses, doctors, etc, should be strong and never feel these emotions....right? When I've been involved in caring for the family during these times, I make sure that I write something specific about their baby....i.e., he has the most beautiful hands, his lips are te prettiest I've ever seen, etc.

I am now a NICU nurse and just the other day I received a thank you note from a mom whose baby died at 20 hours, full term with a diaphragmatic hernia. She thanked me for the love that I showed her baby and her family and all the things that we did to provide her with keepsakes of her precious babies short life. We even made this mom a scrapbook with pictures....the baby looked so peaceful and her pictures came out wonderfully, and we took pics with all the family members holding her, bathing her, dressing her, etc. The extra time that you spend writing a personal note is definitely appreciated.

Kudos to you, keep up the great work.

Jamie

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Paula,

I'm truly sorry for your family's loss. Please take the opportunity to allow yourself to grieve. Just a thought, go pick up a Christmas ornament that would be special for Shirley and give it to your daughter and son in law for their tree. I have five of these on my tree and they will never be forgotten...each year we talk about those ornaments (and the first one would be 22 this year) and who they stand for. All my babies, the two that are here with me, and the five who aren't, are precious in my sight.

Take good care of yourself....and a major High Five for finding a doctor to meet your needs....even though you were in the system!

Jamie

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I now wish I would of commented in the card about this beautiful boy and his full head of dark hair. I was signing this card when I was talking to another nurse, and asked her opinion about writing about him personally. I didn't write anything personal about him because she thought I shouldn't. I have had a 2nd trimester miscarriage myself. I have saved everything that was involved with that pregnancy to have something tangible to hold on to. Ultrasound pictures, a few congrats cards, and an outfit that my oldest daughter picked up. It was important to me for my child to be remembered even though he never lived.

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