supportive one minute, negative the next

naide88 · May 15, 2008

You should definitely keep following your dreams and not let him bring you down. You are obviously intelligent, so keep at it.

Are you going to a community college or a university? Did you know that universities cost 3 times more than community colleges? Go to your community college for all non-nursing classes and have them transferred to a university. Talk to a counselor about this for what classes can be transferred and whatnot.

seasoned hopeful · May 15, 2008

You are in between a rock and a hard spot. My guess is that your husband is used to having you more to himself. Men can be like little kids, they want your attention as much and as often as they can. If this is REALLY (make sure) something that you want to do, DO IT. Your son will have college money when he needs it, especially when you are a nurse. You may really have to work on balance. This is quite the challange. make sure time you spend with your husband and child are really just for them. Give them your full attention, and they won't feel neglected. have your husband drill you with flash cards, and make him a part of this process as well. Thats' just my 2 cents

Good luck, i know you will do what is right for you. :yeah:

JeanettePNP, MSN, RN, NP · May 15, 2008

It's not like he's sinking money into your spa treatments or some other frivolous thing. Your education will pay off when you graduate and get a decent job with great opportunities.

MedicalNerd · May 15, 2008

I agree with all of the posts! I am in a similar situation except I don't have children. I left my great paying full time job to go back to school for nursing. It took me some time but I just got accepted into a ADN program (after 2 years of applying) and now I can see that light at the end of the tunnel. My husband has been supportive as well but he is paying most of our mortgage and other things. He has his highs and lows but now that I have been accepted he has been better about not making me feel like all I am doing is sitting around. I have still been taking classes while I had been waiting so I was still in the groove but the feeling of me contributing financially has been hard. I was raised to support myself and now that I can't completely it has taken a toll on me too.

When he gives you the attitude about you not working, tell him that you are making an investment in OUR future, the salary alone will be a nice reward. But all good things take work and this is the way that the Medical Industry works. You go to school, fight your way through your program and see the reward of many offer letters for a job. Other major will not be able to give you that! It's either fight to get in to the school or fight to get the job... I would rather fight to get into the school personally!

Things will come into place for you, Just stay focused on this long term goal for you and your family!

Marysjrfan · May 15, 2008

You should definitely keep following your dreams and not let him bring you down. You are obviously intelligent, so keep at it.
Are you going to a community college or a university? Did you know that universities cost 3 times more than community colleges? Go to your community college for all non-nursing classes and have them transferred to a university. Talk to a counselor about this for what classes can be transferred and whatnot.

That's right.I don't know what state he original poster is in...but here in Ohio,they have what are called TAG courses at my community college. These arecoursesthatfully transfer to any four-year college in the state. It' someting the state government mandated. It might be wrth checking to see if your stte has these.

anne_in_maryland · May 15, 2008

Oh I have so been there done that. You need to sit him down and tell him how comments like that make you feel. You need his full support to make it through nursing school and I mean full. You are partners.

My DH went through that. Right before the program started, he was acting exactly like this. Talking about how I was setting us back. (Which is not true at all). I sat him down and let him know that this was my dream, what I wanted to do with my life and I needed his support 100%.

Ehope · May 15, 2008

Your post really reminds me of my relationship with my ex boyfriend. We constantly went through cycles of this passive-aggressive negativity about anything that would change in my life. At first he would make a big stink about it, then he would grudgingly "support" it, and then he would revert back to being unhappy about it. This applied to anything from me getting a new job to deciding to go back to school.

The final straw came when I was offered a promotion at work and accepted it on the spot. The only difference being that it changed the days I had off. I was so happy and so proud that I got it, and I called him beaming and beyond excited to share my great news...he proceeded to get mad at me and sulk because I didn't consult with him before accepting.

In any case, after 4 looong years we broke up. I finally asked him why he could never truly be happy for me, and he basically said that it was due to his own insecurities. It turns out that he had been trying to get a different job for a long time without any luck, and felt jealous/threatened any time that I seemed to "advance" in life. Be it a new job or going back to school. He felt more comfortable thinking of us as being on the "same level."

It will be very hard for you to go through school if you feel you are not supported by the one person that should support you most. You are working hard to better your future together and should be encouraged. If you really want to be a nurse, you will regret it forever if you don't and will start resenting him for "keeping you back." Please try to work this out before school starts so you can concentrate on your studies.

Hotflashn · May 15, 2008

Sometimes reactions can be about something completely different than they appear to be on the surface. While maybe the concern really is the expense, it might also be something else - insecurity, fear, power, jealousy, loneliness, any number of things. I don't know anything about you, your husband or your relationship, so please know I am just tossing out ideas of things to look at. Only you can tell if it seems to fit. And it might be that he is just really concerned about money. But in my long marriage career, (25 years) I have just noticed that often, one of us will be complaining about something that seems justifiable, but deep down, it is often something else that is the real worry. But it is less ok to say, "I am afraid you will get a new job and not want me anymore, or make more money than me, or find someone new or have the easy ability to leave me" or whatever. Yet it is ok to say, "I am concerned about finances." You know?

So, I am not saying that is what it is, but there is SO MUCH change that comes with this! It is so consuming, and when you have to have the top grades, you may isolate yourself with your books (I do) or the house might be a mess (mine is) or your kids might not get the same care (mine don't) or your husband might have to pick up the slack (mine sort of does) and you might not be as emotionally or physical available (I'm not) and your interests might be wildly developing (mine are) and your circle of friends might be changing (mine is) and all of that is SCARY - to everyone. Exciting yes, but wobbly and uncertain, especially if you are the one that is trying to stay status quo. Your husband has no way of knowing how this will change your lives. He has no way of knowing how or if your expansive new endeavor is going to change you or cause you to leave the ways of your old life, or him behind. And, there is the money issue.

I think my hubby is a little concerned that I might have spent all this time (and money) and still have more time and money for the actual NS and then say, "Uh, I don't like nursing. This isn't for me. I really want to be a ...."

Also, just speaking personally, I think education represents something huge. Lots of somethings. Things that are power based. Education is a great equalizer. Its a privilege and a measure of worthiness, too. That is worth looking at. I know too, that sometimes my husband says, "I wish I could go back to school" and he is sort of jealous. It is such an investment and requires so much sacrifice, especially once you are married and have a family!

It takes a LOT to be supportive of all of that, I think. It can be easy to forget that it will benefit the entire family, not just the recipient of the education. It is supporting big change and uncertainty, not just books and tuition and childcare costs. Not just the lost of wages.

All that said, only you know your life. I hope that the two of you can work through this in a way that you can both grow and your marriage be strengthened. I will tell you again as an old married lady - it is the trials that strengthen you, not the easy time. Finding the ways to allow each other to follow your individual dreams while keeping your mutual dreams in tact takes work, but it can be done. Communicate and compromise and never forget that you are in all of this together. You can work it out.

Eilene · May 16, 2008

I agree that he needs to support you in your dreams and goals for yourself, but it can't be 100% him supporting you. You have to give support and understand to him as well.

You have to respect and try to be understanding of his feelings about the income being less with you in school. Just like he has to respect and try to understand your desire to switch career paths and do something that will make you happier in your life.

You can both support eachother 100% without completely agreeing on everything. Just because he has money worries right now does not mean that he would want you to give up on your dream and do something that would make you less than happy. It probably has more to do with his own current fears and his need to share those with you and you just have to give him what he needs to make that easier. And by that I'm not saying quit school and go back to work, I'm saying talk with him about how much you will be earning as soon as you are out of school and ways you guys can build savings back up after you start work as well as some goals about how soon you can get your loans paid off.

Maybe seeing someone about budgeting now and coming up with future projections for your finances could put his mind at ease.

All he might really need is for you to hear his feelings and acknowledge (did I spell that right???) them.