Struggling With Caretaking an Aging Parent

[MiladyMalarkey, ASN, BSN]

I had no idea where to properly post this, so I came here. I still have a year of nursing school to go (alone that is a major stressor), am married and have young children at home. My father, had a fall a few months back, some bad breaks and being in his 80's will likely never be able to return to his home/independent living again. He requires significant care now to do almost everything. He's never been good with money, didn't plan on living so long, so it falls to my siblings and I to care for him in his now advanced age.

I suppose my struggle is this, my father was physically and mentally abusive to my siblings and I as children. Even now, he still is not always the nicest human being but has mellowed slightly as he's advanced in age. The abuse he inflicted upon us as children was incredibly bad, he would've been in prison by today's standards. Bad enough that now only a fraction of my siblings (including myself) have been "willing" to try and assist him with his care. But, the old monster sometimes still lurks in that old man and can be difficult and mean even now. That makes me sound like a terrible human being, but if you can imagine horrendous abuse, you're probably not far from what we endured.

My siblings and I suddenly have to take on the care of the one who victimized us for so many years. It's impacted us all, has us on edge, and we only really have each other to express the emotions of this burden to. We have looked into assisted living/care giving but the cost is too great for us to financially bear and like I said my father never financially planned anything other than his actual death arrangements.

I don't know what type of advice I hope to get from this post if any, maybe just encouragement alone will help get me through this.

[meanmaryjean, DNP, RN]

I'm so sorry to hear this. Is he eligible for Medicaid? Medicaid nursing homes are not always the best- but with frequent family visits to assure quality care- can be a good option. Have you reached out to your local council on aging/ senior center? They often can get you in touch with the network of elder care resources in your community. You don't have to do this alone!

I have a sibling who is some day going to find herself in your father's situation. {{hugs}}

[MiladyMalarkey, ASN, BSN]

Thank you for the encouragement MMJ. I'm going to look into the Medicaid, he is on Medicare of course but is low income so it's worth checking into. We are just trying to find any solution to ease the stress of this new responsibility so any avenue is worth looking into. Thank you for the suggestions.

[bitter_betsy, BSN]

I don't have any advice, but I understand where you are coming from. I stopped talking to my dad for a number of years. I still don't speak with him much, but we have sort of mended our relationship. I was his target of choice until I left home. Sadly he began abusing my brother for another 8 years. Finally when my brother left home - he started in on my mom. After 25 years of marriage, my mom finally believed me that he was abusive and they were divorced. She thought we were making it all up all those years.

You know what you should do but its really hard to want to nurture someone that beat you within an inch of your life.

Keep in mind - all your feelings are normal. While you are seeking out resources for assistance, you may want to find a counselor/pastor/friend for yourself to help you get through these emotions. I admire you for helping even when you don't really want to. Some people would just walk away.

Blessings to you during this emotional time. I wish you the best.

[MiladyMalarkey, ASN, BSN]

Thank you HK, while it isn't good to know there are others out there like me, it is good to know there are others out there who do understand. Thank you for your kind words.