Spouse adjustment problems?

Posted

Specializes in Med-Surg, LTC, Rehabiliation Nursing.

Has anyone else had problems with their spouse or significant other adjusting to getting through nursing school? After 9 years of marriage, 4 years of school, (and we all know how hard THAT was, even with a supportive spouse), I am having the hardest time with my husband! Threatened by my success? He has a good job, makes decent money, we are not rich by any means, but now I will be making more than him, and it really seems to be blowing his socks off. I was just wondering if any one else had been through this and successfully managed to get through. I just graduated and passed my boards, I have a job but havent even started yet, and things are just rotten. And, it isnt like my husband doesnt know me, I could qualify as a flaming feminist, (I just think excess in any area is a bad thing), I have always had a strong personality, its not like he did not know this coming in.

I would just love some feedback, to know if any one else out there has or is going through this. Thanks in advance.

I am posting this in graduate nurse forum, but I think I would like to hear from new and experienced nurses both, and may also post this question in another forum, one for us new nurses from experienced nurses.

AmyD_RN

464 Posts

Woo yes that is a hard one. I might really be puttin myself on the line here but God put the drive in men (I have heard it comes from the fall of Adam and Eve) to be a provider for his family. To tillthe earth till his death so to speak. I dont really have the problem you describe but I know for my hubby being a goodp provider is very important. I have be home now for 12 years and my hubby makes average money, I would not be makingmore than him as an RN for many years to come if ever. But we did go through a time where he felt like he was not needed at home really. I am also a strong type and would fix the toilet, kitchen sinks etc when things broke. I thought I was doing him a favor cause he worked so many hours. Funny isn't it? They are just wired different. I would challenge you to find ways to comfort him after a designated talk if he would.

Goodluck with that and keep me posted on how it all turns out!

AmyD RN

jenrninmi, MSN, RN

Specializes in L&D. Has 11 years experience. 1,975 Posts

Hey! Congratulations on passing boards and good luck with your new job! :o) I'm assuming you've talked to your husband about this? My husband has always said it wouldn't bother him if I made more money then him...in fact he'd like to go to law school and have me support the family...but it's not something I really want. He makes almost twice what I make and so I just can't imagine going back to only my income. I would do it if he really wanted it, we'd have to sit down and talk about it for a while though. He worked while I went to school full time, so in theory I should probably do the same thing for him.

Maybe when your checks start coming in he'll get over it.

azhiker96, BSN, RN

Specializes in PACU, ED. Has 15 years experience. 1 Article; 1,123 Posts

I'm a male in nursing school. My wife is an RN and is currently making much more than I. It doesn't bother me a bit. I'm looking forward to contributing after I graduate and she's looking forward to having a two-nurse income in the house.

Two of my classmates are having the same problem that you are experiencing. Their hubbies have even told them that they(the husbands) expect to get dumped after the girls graduate and land Nursing Jobs. It's silly for the guys to be insecure like that but it is what it is. I feel badly for my classmates that they have to go through nursing school without supportive spouses. It's tough enough as it is.

grinnurse, RN

Specializes in Med/Surge. 767 Posts

Has anyone else had problems with their spouse or significant other adjusting to getting through nursing school? After 9 years of marriage, 4 years of school, (and we all know how hard THAT was, even with a supportive spouse), I am having the hardest time with my husband! Threatened by my success? He has a good job, makes decent money, we are not rich by any means, but now I will be making more than him, and it really seems to be blowing his socks off. I was just wondering if any one else had been through this and successfully managed to get through. I just graduated and passed my boards, I have a job but havent even started yet, and things are just rotten. And, it isnt like my husband doesnt know me, I could qualify as a flaming feminist, (I just think excess in any area is a bad thing), I have always had a strong personality, its not like he did not know this coming in.

I would just love some feedback, to know if any one else out there has or is going through this. Thanks in advance.

I am posting this in graduate nurse forum, but I think I would like to hear from new and experienced nurses both, and may also post this question in another forum, one for us new nurses from experienced nurses.

I could have written this post a year ago myself. I do think that he felt his "manhood" was threatened not only by the fact that I would be earning as much as him, but, I would also have the means to be independant, finally!! He always controlled me with money, and I, like most nurses am and have always been a strong willed individual with my own ideas and the need to be my own person. The first 3 months was the hardest, but once he realized that I could contribute monitarily to our income he got over it and we are doing well. I think it just takes time for you both to make those adjustments. I won't lie, I specifically went to nursing school to get a divorce. Once he figured out that I had the means to do just that and to be able to support myself, his tune changed.

Hang in there, hopefully it will get better for ya'll

jenrninmi, MSN, RN

Specializes in L&D. Has 11 years experience. 1,975 Posts

I could have written this post a year ago myself. I do think that he felt his "manhood" was threatened not only by the fact that I would be earning as much as him, but, I would also have the means to be independant, finally!! He always controlled me with money, and I, like most nurses am and have always been a strong willed individual with my own ideas and the need to be my own person. The first 3 months was the hardest, but once he realized that I could contribute monitarily to our income he got over it and we are doing well. I think it just takes time for you both to make those adjustments. I won't lie, I specifically went to nursing school to get a divorce. Once he figured out that I had the means to do just that and to be able to support myself, his tune changed.

Hang in there, hopefully it will get better for ya'll

OMG! Grinnurse! Me too! Even though dh was always very supportive when it came to nursing school etc...there are a lot of negatives about our relationship. I too wasn't sure if I was going to stay with him after I passed my boards. I'm happy to say a year later that out relationship is going strong. We have come a long way financially since we were married. Both earned BS degrees, successfull careers and very supportive of eachother. Good luck to you and your dh! It sounds like you're doing well. I sooooo can't believe we've been RN's for a year! lol! I just can't believe it!

MIA-RN1, RN

1,329 Posts

All my husband thinks about is the money I am now bringing in since graduating.:o Its his whole focus. No present, no card, no congratulations for going to school and finishing. Just comments about how glad he is that I am earning money now. He isn't threatened, just has dollar signs in his eyes to the exclusion of most everything else about my new venture.

jess_m

26 Posts

I am having a similar experience. My husband is unhappy in his job so I think that is the real issue. He is jealous that I found my dream job.

bookworm1

Specializes in Critical Care: Cardiac, VAD, Transplant. 132 Posts

I am still a student, but the marriage stress has already started here, too. I will be the first college grad in our family on both sides. While he was supportive and, in fact, pushed me into college, I think there is some jealousy and insecurity knowing that I will be earning more than he does. Even as I see his insecurities showing up, he is still being supportive. Other women I know have husbands that are sabotaging their efforts to get through school. I, too, think that things will settle down after they get use to the new routines and the new incomes! Just got to hold things together until then:uhoh3: .

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