Feeling useless...

4 years ago I was investigated at my job due to not following documentation policies, doctors' orders regarding administration of pain meds (gave IV before oral, or gave IV and oral too close together), passed more than one patients' meds at a time, not completing pain scales properly - all things I fully take responsibility for - yes, I was cutting corners to try and help my patients. But it was wrong - I know that. As narcotics were involved I was accused of diversion (I guess the things I did, although to me they were 'innocent' mistakes) looked to an outsider as if I was diverting. I was offered rehab - although strangely no drug testing. (Thankfully I did my own). At the advice of my Union (learning point - always get a real lawyer before doing anything) - I resigned as I was assured this was the best thing to do to save my license. I was in shock to be honest as I had worked at this hospital for 12 years and was a Staff Nurse III, a student mentor and on many committees! I really thought I would be offered education and another chance. But - it was not to be and my Union said - 'go out there and get another job before anything shows on your license - you don't have to tell a new employer anything as a background check will not show anything' - or words to that effect. So I did - got hired and worked for 4 years at another hospital - loved that job! Then, after 4 years the BON investigation started and my employer found out about it. I tried to explain the circumstances to HR - but they said i did not disclose the information about my previous investigation on my application 4 years earlier - and fired me. Wow. I did not know what to do - single parent, mortgage, no family here (fortunately I knew their father would not see us starve - even though we were not together - we were friends).

So now I am on three years probation which started May this year. I have completed everything the BON has asked me to do - all the online courses, the mental and physical exams - all done in a month so I can just focus on finding a job. Luckily my mental health examiner ($650!) did not think I was diverting and did not advise a chemical dependency program so I am grateful for that! I have applied for many jobs online and always written a cover letter explaining what I have done. I rarely hear back and if an employer does call - it is because they haven't read the cover letter! Once I explain what is going on - I don't hear back. I am currently driving for Lyft (enormous fun and love meeting all my passengers!) but, of course, doesn't pay a mortgage! I volunteer all over the place - hospice, driving cancer patients around, being involved with deployed soldiers and have just applied to work a crisis center phone line. I do this to keep me busy and also to help me feel wanted and a valuable member of society again. I just feel useless. I watch movies or documentaries, or read stories about nurses and see them giving patients care and just think - I was a good nurse, I should be doing that - I am slowly losing my skills and not learning new technology. *sigh I know this is my fault - but it is hard. Do others on probation tell their prospective employers about their probation up front? Or do you wait until you have gone through the interview and they have had a chance to meet you before talking about it. I am so nervous after being fired from my last job for not disclosing information that I tend to blurt it out before anything else! Thanks for reading to the end - just need a place to vent!