self- sabatoging behavior - is it just me?

[Marshall1]

True to my form..I ended up with my back against a financial wall and ended up accepting a position that I did not want and knew, from the beginning, the schedule and what the job entailed was a mistake. But since I spent the latter part of the summer in a quagmire of depression and anxiety that took over to the point of barely functioning, I have a pile of late bills that need to get paid so I took what job I could get.

Fast forward to today, the M-F 8-5 schedule, for me, isn't working. I knew it wouldn't - for a variety of reasons, the job itself is at a company that, even on this site, has 99% negative feedback and I completely understand why. My training has been a joke, though the coworkers are nice, there are definitely cliques among them - just as some posts about this company have stated. The person is charge is inexperienced in many ways for the position they hold which makes matters worse but I can deal with all that. What I can't deal with is still, several weeks in, not really knowing/understanding what I am suppose to be doing - and I ask - a LOT - other than "observing" and riding along with someone to "observe" more. Ok, I'm getting paid so I shouldn't complain I guess but, mental health issues create a lot of instability at times and having a job that is also unstable at a company that is struggling to keep clients, it doesn't help.

I am already hitting the want ads which, as those of you who deal with chronic mental health issues knows, only adds fuel to the fire. My spouse has made comments about me being gone so much now (my spouse works 12 hr shifts) and it's true, we are seeing much less of each other. I seem to be caught in a self sabotaging web.I live in a rural setting so options, even for those who don't deal with a mental illness, are limited at best. We are coming into the holiday season which will slow hiring down. I have NO choice but to get up and go to this job until I can find something more balanced. And right now, as down and helpless as I feel, it's hard to see beyond this job and the additional stresses it has caused.

Thanks for reading my vent.

[VivaLasViejas, ASN, RN]

(((((Marshall1)))))

First of all....BREATHE.............

Boy, do I ever know what you mean by self-sabotage; I could write a book on it. But your being in this situation doesn't mean you are actually sabotaging yourself; you took this job because you were desperate and it was what was available to you at that time. Please don't fault yourself for that.

OK, so you knew the job would more than likely be a disaster and walked into it anyway. Sometimes we have to do things like this, not just out of desperation but because we need to test our mettle and see what we're made of. The fact that you are STILL going in to work each morning, even though the job is turning out to be pretty much what you predicted, shows that you are stronger than you know.

Still, you don't want to let it take over your life while you look for other possibilities. Somehow, you have to compartmentalize and put your job in its place, which I'm assuming is 8 hours out of a 24-hour day. What will you do with those other 16 hours to nourish yourself so you can face the rat race? Eat, sleep, play with your dog if you have one, read a book, soak your stress away in the bathtub, get a massage, talk with family or good friends, pray/meditate, exercise, see a movie, cook, play with your kids if you have them, get on the computer and talk to us.......the possibilities are endless!

That's not to say that you shouldn't look for something better suited to you, but as you know, you need to manage your current stress or it will literally drive you crazy, as it did me earlier this year. I hope you have a therapist who can help you think things through and give you some better stress-relief techniques, and/or a doctor who can also adjust your medications as needed while you're figuring out what to do next. Just remember: a mistake is nothing more than evidence that someone has tried to DO something. You could have sat at home, bemoaning your fate and believing that your illness makes you unable to work at all, but you didn't. You could have tried to get on disability, but you didn't. No, you took a job that you knew would be a mistake and you've tried your hardest to make it work. Nobody would judge you for that, so why ever would you judge yourself?

Once again.......BREATHE........

More (((((hugs))))) to you. I really do wish you the best.