Scared To Post This...

[CrystalPsychRN]

I am afraid to post this.

I am a new nurse (RN, BSN). I work in psych (Acute Care, Inpatient). I have an eating disorder.

I have had an eating disorder for a little under 9 years now. I do not binge in your classic sense (not very large 2000+ calorie binges or anything) but on occasion I will eat more than I am comfortable with and purge it, and I often restrict. I would not be posting this if I was not absolutely mortified about my job.

I think I finally am ready to get help. I want to be better. I started out as a 5 foot 4 inch 220lbs teenager. At the height of my anorexia I was 98lbs. I was a 130lbs college kid. I was 125 my final semester of nursing school. It has been about four months since I graduated and I am now 109lbs. I've been having a rough time because I am stressed about the new job, and I have other major issues going on, plus my depression is kicking in again.

I want help, but don't know if I can get it. I first do not think I can afford it. Secondly, and most importantly, I am worried that if I go into treatment I will no longer be able to work in psych. I love psych. I could not work anywhere else. The thought of having to tell the BON or some other governing body that I went into treatment or therapy scares me away from wanting it or telling anyone about it. I don't know what to do.

Do I have to tell anyone that I am in therapy? Would it really effect my job? Is this just another excuse I am making up to avoid treatment or is it legitimate? I don't know, and I don't know what to do.

Thank you for any responses.

[rn/writer, RN]

First and foremost, it's really good that you know you need help and are willing to look for it.

Second, while you do have an addictive behavior, you haven't mentioned doing or taking anything illegal. So what is there to report to the BON? That you have an eating disorder? That's unfortunate, but it isn't against the law. Nor would it violate any BON regulations that I'm aware of.

I would encourage you to see if your employer has an Employee Assistance Program and start there. EAPs are designed to help people seek out affordable counseling and look at a variety of options to improve their lives. EAPS offer the same kind of confidentiality that you would have if you went to a therapist on your own. It's illegal for them to run and tattle to HR or your manager.

One of the most important things about an eating disorder is that it's not about the food! That's only the way the internal stuff shows up on the radar. Discovering what that internal stuff means is what you need help with.

The EAP folks should be able to make referrals based on an assessment of your needs. In many cases, they offer a specific number of counseling sessions, either free or at a very low cost, for the purpose of evaluating what you need. They help you determine the questions and then point you in the right direction to look for answers.

As for working in psych while you're undergoing your own treatment, that's something you should probably discuss with a therapist. I guess I wouldn't encourage you to be involved specifically with an eating disorders program while you're still struggling, but there are many other areas of psych that should not be a problem.

If you can function properly and give your patients what they need, having your own needs doesn't automatically disqualify you from working psych. If, however, you find that you become too emotional or you over-identify with your patients or run into some other glitch that limits your ability to provide objective care, you may want to find some other alternative, at least temporarily. With any kind of self awareness, you'll figure it out.

At this stage, before you have help in place, I would keep these concerns under your hat while you do the initial research. People in pain can blurt out too many details or be confused about whom to trust. Put a good support network in place before revealing your situation on the job. Again, the EAP folks can guide you through the process of what and how much to say to whom.

Please, talk to someone as soon as you can. I admire you for having the insight and the courage to face your challenges.

[kajh20]

I think you"ve taken the first initial (hardest part) step in your road to recovery! Way to go! Yes, seek treatment, at whatever the costs, the benefits are huge compared to staying in the cycle of an eating disorder. In addition, I can only assume but guess that you are not able to perform your best, 100% while delivering nursing care? I know you do not want to risk loosing your licesne b/c the one day your not able to function, you make a mistake while delivering pt. care. However, you may think your able to deliver excellent care and maybe you are but the longer your ED exists the worse you'll be and the symptoms with become greater and you do not want to risk your license. I vote to seek help now, even if it is a weekly support group to help figure out the process. It's amazing nowadays, the treatment has gotten so much better than it was 10-15yrs ago.

I would be happy to help you navigate the process! Why? Because I've been there and it did cost me my nursing job and I was devistated, but in hindsight it was for the best b/c what if I had injured a pt.?and lost my license? It was a difficult road and I'm still in the process, it's a journey. I love the quote, "it's not what happens to you that matters, it how you deal with what happens to you that matters most"!

Feel free to contact me. It took great courage for you to share this and I know the anxiety it's probably caused you but please don't push this aside, that is what the ED wants you to do, don't listen, resist the temptation and DEAL with it!

[KayDee68]

Kudos to you for writing about it - I know that helps me immensely! My only advice is what ever you do, do it privately. Do NOT get the board or any other nurse-related assistance program involved! If you do happen to get "referred" because of your licensure or someone thinking they are helping you, get a lawyer before you sign anything. There are options out there for help, and there are professionals who will listen to you, keep the public safety in mind, and treat you like a human being without a cookie-cutter approach to recovery. My prayers are with you!