Saturday May 6 2023

No Stars In My Eyes · May 6, 2023

Hey-Hi-Ho Y'all~

Today we have 76 degrees and sun. We have a hubby that got up early and spent the morning in the Ford, looking at things on his "smaht" phone, and drinking. He came in and ate lunch while I got Nannie up and out to the recliner. I took Nannie's tray back up to the kitchen when she was through having her breakfast. Asked hubby how he's feeling, and he mumbled that he was feeling the same as he always does. I told him the ballgame is on at 7:15 tonight. He said he was going up to his bedroom to nap. I said, "Well, it's been good seeing you today, anyway." (....but not really "good".)

Actually, seeing him so affected by the Vodka every day is distressing; he looks terribly run down, he is withdrawn and he walks with little baby-steps. His posture is terrible; the right shoulder is much higher than the left one. Also he is losing his hair now. This past year has really been worse for him (and me). I feel so nauseated that I am going to have to go get some Dramamine. I know it is emotional-nausea, because that's the way it's always been for me, ever since I was knee-high to a tadpole: The world's oldest colicky baby! Yeah, I 'stuff' my feelings. But it is only one month from today, that I have the appt at the doc's office with the "Counselor".

Oh, about last night: Hubby insists he was in bed the whole time, but I know an empty bed when I see one! And anyway, it doesn't matter except, like I said, I was worried he might've fallen outside and nobody saw him. And I can't help but think of my landlady's husband in the early 1980's who was a perpetual drunk and he fell down the stairs and broke his neck. UGH.

Nannie is sleeping, I am laundering her sheets and clothing, and then I will move on to mine and hubby's clothes.

Two hours until the supper question. "Oh happy frabjous joy!"< a quote from John Lennon.

Lest I bore us all to death, I will now take the Dramamine, and carry on with the laundering.

No Stars In My Eyes · May 6, 2023

The pharmacist says she can fill my Xanax tonight instead of waiting 'til tomorrow. It would be worth it even if it meant I was having to drive after dark to pick it up. So THAT'S a relief!

No Stars In My Eyes · May 6, 2023

Have dissolved a 0.5 mg xanax on my tongue and and am feeling a bit more quiet inside in my head and belly. Was able to eat some leftover beef stew and some saltines, for supper. Hubby and I split it, and Nannie had a Boston Market slow-cooked beef and vegetables over mashed taters; she ate every scrap.

Waiting to watch the news, and then there's a ballgame at 7. I have my crossword puzzles and a pen by my side, just in case hubby and Nannie get into it. I just pull back and don't participate.

I am so glad to have the Xanax refill, because NOW I KNOW I will get to sleep well tonight. Hubby's got two more sleeves of the small bottles of peach-flavored vodka, so he should be set for getting through tonight and tomorrow. I hope he doesn't ask me for a Xanax, or if he does, he won't get it until he's ready to climb in the bed. I am going to start campaigning for another Dr's appt for him; if he keeps going at the rate he is, I'll be a widow by 2024. I swear. And he CRS (can't remember sh*t) he asked me about whether we had ballgame tonight a half-dozen times in a hour's time. He also swears we had a ballgame the day before yesterday that was a double hitter; but that was last week-end.

Going to research again on line for an Al-Anon group here-abouts. I need support to just get through the next week, day, hour....I sure wish, but doubt hubby would go to a few AA mtgs. I don't believe he expects to get help from other alkies. There is friend we first met years ago at the convenience store down the road. She said SHE would go with him, but he's not real happy about her suggesting that. She's been an Alkie for years, too, so she understands.

Can't talk any sense to hubby. He says, "I know" but has no motivation. I keep handing him and his problems to God, because we know there is not actually anything *I* can do or say. It's a shame. He used to walk tall and smile and joke a lot, but not any more. He used to do things around the house and yard, but not anymore. I'd ask him to go walking with me, but he can barely walk without losing his breath, and he wouldn't take his smaller 02 tank with him as it would be embarrassing for him. But it's not like there aren't any people who have to do the same when shopping, etc.....there's dozens of them I see everytime I go out.

Well, I am boring myself to pieces.

Later~

Tweety, BSN, RN · May 7, 2023

Good evening!

Joe, hope you enjoyed the day.

Stars, why push for yet another doctor's appointment? I know it's because you feel helpless as he deteriorates, but hasn't he had dozens upon dozens of appointments this past year where he's dishonest and doesn't follow up? I'm sure it's hard seeing him this way, and given the dishonesty that goes with an alcoholic, (wonder where he was when he was missing?), it's no wonder your'e having physical symptoms yourself. Hope you take care of yourself first and foremost.

I had a decent day. Washed the sheets and they are still in the dryer, made prepped some dinner and mowed the grass. I missed yoga because I missed my exit off the interstate and had to go way out of my way to turn around because it was the last exit before crossing Tampa Bay into Tampa. Ugh.....

No Stars In My Eyes · May 7, 2023

Tweety~ Once again, a sincere thank you for your clear observations. Have you ever had someone thank you so many times in 6 months? ? Seriously, your words realign me in a very helpful way.

Monday I will be calling about a particular Al-Anon mtg I'd like to attend.

nursej22, MSN, RN · May 7, 2023

Hullo. I am so cold. The weather continues showery and cool. And dh persists in leaving the door open, despite the heat being on. He doesn't feel cold, and gets quite irritated when if I even bring up the subject of conserving heat to keep the bill down. I have always been frugal and it baffles me that he is not. He grew up poorer than I, but it's almost like he gets offended when I say something about expenses. Oh, well I'll just keep shutting the door. I tried to go for a run this morning, but my knees and feet hurt too much, and my hands ache. I've been eating a lot of wheat products, and that seems to contribute to it. We bought some hanging planters for the deck, but are going to wait until it's a bit warmer to put out. Tonight's dinner is chicken pot pie. Whoop ti do. Yesterday we went looking at a new bed and mattress. Wow, those prices have gone up.

I think I need to go ahead and get the recommended echo cardiogram for Angus. His respirations while asleep had increased to 30, and per the vet, that may indicate he needs meds. No wonder I'm cranky about heating the outdoors if I am facing a big vet bill.

NoStars, have you had the talk with hubby about end of life and heroic measures? He does seem to have the dwindles, and does not seem interested in doing anything about it. That's sad, I know, but having him linger and suffer in a hospital seems sad, too. I wonder if your nausea could have been withdrawal from the Xanax? Im glad you were able to get a refill.

Ado Annie, ASN, RN · May 7, 2023

Joe, if you watch Blacula let us know what you think. If I remember correctly, Superman II was pretty good. I can understand the dwindling return on investment in your relationship with J but totally understand not giving up on friendship.

Stars, I think a good Al-Anon group would be a great thing to find. How frustrating and heartbreaking to witness how much he is losing but not be able to do anything about it.

Tweety, how frustrating to miss your class because of a missed exit! This small-town girl wouldn't cope well with lots of highways and traffic in everyday life.

J22, I hate being cold. Hubs like a a "cool" room to sleep in. And generally keeps things pretty cool. Don't get me wrong; I will complain about too much heat, too. And have trouble caring about the bills if I need to cool the house on a hot Summer day ?. Mattress prices are shocking. Hubs keeps telling me we need to buy a new set but there are so many things is rather spend money on!

There was a pretty sunset this evening. We did not go out to the lake to watch it. Mammatus clouds glowing rosy pink. And lightning in the southeast. Now it's windy with occasional thunder so it could get stormy.

I cooked some chicken breasts and made a salad for dinner. Gma picked at hers, gave some to the dog, and then when the table was cleared she sat there and muttered "I didn't get anything to eat. They hate me." And on and on. She was looking at something in the room and counting them and saying "but I can't have one. They won't let me". *sigh*

Turbo kitty has eaten well today. I think those injections really help her feel better. Now she is stretched out in my lap.

Stepdaughter asks me a lot of health questions. Today based on what she told me and the picture she sent I think she might have shingles affecting her neck and shoulder. The rash is behind her ear. She says she has a Dr appointment on the 15th. I suggested trying to be seen before then and she said that's the first time he has available. I know their money is right (like everyone) but an antiviral could make such a big difference *if* it's shingles.

It is senior day at the church tomorrow. We have 3 graduating from high school.

Good night, all. I'm going to enjoy listening to the storm. After I go see what Gma's getting into in the kitchen.