Saturday August 5th 2023

No Stars In My Eyes · Aug 5, 2023

Hey all~

Had an especially crappy time at the end of the evening last night. I'll 'splain some of it later on. I'm still waking up but feel emotionally drained and still have a lingering feeling of being p.o'd.

Have to finish drinking my coffee and let some time pass before I feel better.

Editorial Team / Admin · Aug 5, 2023

Hello all!

We had a productive practice yesterday, then went out for some yummy Vietnamese food. It's an hour drive home, which extended to almost two hours, due to roadway construction. This is the major route to Las Vegas, and though we were going the opposite direction (we anticipated the traffic towards Vegas would be busy on a Friday night), ours was stop-and-go for at least 45 minutes. Literally, stop-and-go. Good we had gas in the car and had used the potty before we left! Got home around 10:30. Quick shower and in bed and SLEPT!

Today we will tune into Zoom Sabbath School. I need to arrange the song set list in some kind of performance order. Otherwise, it's another hot day here!

No Stars, hope you are recovering from yesterday's drama.

Joe, good it's the weekend!

Have a good day!

nursej22, MSN, RN · Aug 6, 2023

It's a pleasant temperature here, although hazy. There is a wildfire burning about 80 miles from here. It's not huge, but nearly inaccessible, so they are having trouble containing it. Bottom line, the air is smoky. I went for a nice run this morning, but realized I wore my old shoes, and my feet really hurt now. I've been working in my garden, and doing a jigsaw puzzle while listening to a history program on TV. Dh went to the farmers market and to the grocery store. He said he is making dinner tonight (ds heated up Stouffers lasagna last night). And he got fresh strawberries from the market, so I made a shortcake.

Joe, that sounds like a frustrating day. I hope you can relax and recharge today.

Dianah, I hate traffic like that. I've learned when traveling to or through Seattle, one must fill the gas tank prior!

Stars, I hope you are feeling better by now. Coffee makes so much difference!

Tweety, BSN, RN · Aug 6, 2023

G'day.

Work was okay. Normal busy stuff. They floated a nurse and made me take patients and the rest go 6:1 but what else is new.

A lazy mouthy tech that called in a lot finally got fired. All the rest call in sick so much they are about to be fired. On another floor the rapid nurse was telling me he asked a tech to do an EKG on what might be a STEMI patient and the tech wouldn't get off her phone and do it. How did we raise a generation of people that don't understand you have to work in order to get a paycheck?

We did work with a float tech today that's really good, but he's Mexican and has a different ethic than these young Americans...LOL

Rant over.

No Stars In My Eyes · Aug 6, 2023

More tedious tales of woe; (this one a leeetle bit lengthy)

Where are we going, and why are we in this hand-basket?

I felt pretty much all day like a blown-up balloon that was let go and flew around the room and fell on the floor completely deflated. Last night Nannie was crabby with hubby, as he was with her. Such noise, on and on! But oh gosh, when I stood up and said I was going to bed because I was TIRED, hubby turned on ME and said "Well I guess my decision has been made for me, too!" I told him I had to make the decision for Nannie, because if I don't get her in bed first, I can't go to bed, but there was absolutely no reason for him to go to bed just because I felt I had to. He began squawking that if I wouldn't stay up reading until 3-4 AM, maybe I could get some sleep and not be so tired. I started to tell him that lately I have been 'good', turning out my light by 1 or 1:30 AM at the latest -- but oh, he had more to say! So I told him to say it . When he was through, I jumped straight down his throat with both of my feet and let him have it.

I said I was a 74 year old woman who had not slept but 3 hours in 48 hours and I was TIRED and yet I still had to do all the things I have to do around here without any help from anybody else, before I could rest. And I was tired of Nannie being the Princess who is always waited-on and catered to, and who never does anything but sit in her recliner all day and sleep and eat, watch TV (another annoying story of its own) and carp about trivialities.

So, being drunk, naturally hubby got defensive, answering it was not HIS fault, and he couldn't help what his mother was like. I told him I was not 'blaming' him, I was TRYING to explain I am 74 and had not slept, and my brain couldn't take ANY more! His response was ridiculous: ie, he is 73 and HE doesn't sleep well at night either. I told him that the difference was *I* was not drinking vodka all day and evening, ("Oh, so THAT'S IT! The drinking!") Partially, yes, but I need to have quiet time to myself, instead of being at the beck and call of everything for everybody else ... except ME. Which *I* take responsibility for, because I know I need a break, and I seldom give it to myself. But you can't reason with an alkie, (or his wife?) or, as that wife, try to draw a line without getting a ton of manure dropped on you.

He was still 'in a mood' (yes, drunk) and then he said "Okay, but".... he didn't want to see me go upstairs and sit up all night reading, "or whatever it is you do..., if you are soooo tired. You sit up all night, and"...(.blah-blah-blah-etc)

At which point I went right upstairs and had my meds, a small banana and some milk, and then I turned out the light. But, even though I had taken my night-time meds (including 3 Xanax), could I fall asleep then"? Nooooo. I sat up three hours later letting my ire get the best of me, until took another Xanax with three cheese crackers and milk, and FINALLY I slept, from about 1AM until 10:30AM, waking only twice to go pee.

Today I still felt pretty squashed emotionally, plus I'm quite sure it was partially because of the 4th Xanax ( all 0.5) but mostly because I still was mad and hurt about hubby picking on ME. I told him that I knew he was not my father, but that was exactly what my father did when he had been drinking after he came home from work, (Jim Beam while in his workshop., and beer when he came in the house.), he'd find some petty reason(s) to pick on me. It went on ALL throughout my childhood, until the evening at the supper table when I was 16, and I threw my fork down hard on my plate, stood up from my chair exclaiming: "I AM SO SICK OF THIS SH**!", sailed out of the kitchen, went in my room slamming the door HARD.

Maybe that's what I need to say to hubby.

I know, I know, Tweety, it wouldn't do any good or make any difference, but it might make me feel good, for about the time it took me to say it! I know it wouldn't solve a thing.

This is one of the reasons I would love to win BIG money. I don't spend a lot entering, but I do enter.....except now that they are saying the Mega Millions jackpot is over a billion dollars, I gotta tell ya, a billion dollars would be a real pain in the patoot to have to find ways to deal with. Of course, it wouldn't actually BE a billion dollars anyway, but still...! What is it?....$7+ million, after the gov't took their huge chunks out of it?

I'm not greedy, I just want to send hubby to get a head-to-toe work-up at either the Cleveland Clinic or the Mayo Clinic, have him detoxed and have about three months of rehab.... maybe a brain transplant,... and I know there would be no guarantee of sobriety after he got out. But remember, this is my pipe dream! Speaking of which, I wish I had some now the real stuff. The OTC things are "ick" to me, kind of MEH!BUT

Anyway, those same 3 months, Nannie could be residing in her new rest- home and let THEM deal with her! (???...wouldn't it be loverly?)

I know this is a pipe dream, but, to continue, I would also buy a second shed and have someone help me dig out all MY stuff that has been in the back of the shed for 7 damn years+, to see if there is anything worth saving. Then start cleaning Nannie's house ( by professionals ) by pitching out or giving to hubby's dgt and grands, 'souveniers' (< sp?) of their Nannie......even though all the only real 'sentiment' is about is what his daughter has referred to as her share [HAH!] of the house's worth! (ie, PURE greed!) When hubby told her she had to 'wait her turn' on any inheritance', she "HMMPPPH"ED and turned her head stating that "when Stars gets through with it, there'll be nothing left!" (meeeooow! ?)

I'd ditch a lot of Nannie's stuff and make it into MY home. The only thing is ? I don't like this house, so I would tear it down and build a better, nicer, more suitable house for me (or us?) that is not 3 levels, and has a better division of rooms, with a kitchen that is not all cramped and little and filled with all of Nannie's frilly, craft-filled, UGH stuff. ( and an entire shelf filled with useless 12 year old boxes of Jello!) The actual acreage/property and location are really okay with me, though. I actually DO like the lot it is set on, so I would stay on this property, in this town.

So, I don't want much, see?

Like any of it would actually come into being, anyway. If I left, I could not live much of anywhere with just my pitiful SS check, and it's not like I've ever been any good about finances, saving, or anything. Just living from week to week, or now --- month to month.......So I know I am fooling myself with fairy-tales.

I know I need a lot of help mentally, emotionally, and financially. and to gain the impetus to DO SOMETHING. However, even though I do figure that at least I'm making baby steps to start with, unfortunately I can see this stupid situation escalating. One day I'll help save myself. I have done it before in other situations in my younger life, so I know I am capable of it. That'll be like that quote, "Well, I always knew it would happen some day, I just didn't know it would happen today." ?

And was it Churchill or Jung, or someone else who said, "The Only Way Out Is Through"?

*sigh*

Fini.

Thanks for being there. ? Tauk wif you'n's tomorrow--

Tweety, BSN, RN · Aug 6, 2023

No Stars In My Eyes said:

I know, I know, Tweety, it wouldn't do any good or make any difference, but it might make me feel good, for about the time it took me to say it! I know it wouldn't solve a thing.

I would never encourage you not to speak your mind to him, you can't hold these things in even if it doesn't change. Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable. You can't give him permission to continue to verbally abuse you and drink even if it's a broken record that won't change. There are consequences. I'd speak my mind, pack up and leave and never look back which is what I had to do. I know that's not an option for you but don't hold back.