Rude to pt's family?

beachgirl01 · Jul 19, 2008

Hi all,
I can be "outgoing" but that is usually forced. I am very quiet and introverted - even shy. In addition, I seem to have one of "those faces" whose expression looks angry - when in reality all I am doing is "focusing". Even when I try to paste a grin on my face, it usually fades when I am in "git er done" mode. I am wondering if there is something else I need to be doing - I consider myself polite and thoughtful - and work my A#$ off to get things done. It seems every day there is yet another thing I haven't done... or haven't done well... It gets so exhausting to pour myself into this and find that at the end of the day I come up short - again and again and again and again... after a while it has a real impact on who I am as a person - and not in a positive way. Rudenes isn't tolerated in my facility - I'm not being rude - yet I am *perceived* as being rude. I certainly don't want to compromise my position based someone's perception and, I admit, for as "out of proportion" as it is, I am scared that I am in deep trouble.
Shawna

Wow you sound exactly like me...I am very quiet and introverted and I think I tend to have an angry look on my face when I'm concentrating oh something, and many times people have told me to 'smile', or don't look so glum, etc. I'm also forever being harassed because I'm 'too quiet' and don't talk enough. I find it exhausting to try and appear happy and upbeat 24/7, that's just not my personality, and it doesn't mean I'm angry or upset. And yeah I've always had a hard time keeping up with all the stuff at work I have to do, always feel as though I could have done more and that what I do is never enough. But as long as you're doing your best that's all that matters.

patwil73 · Jul 19, 2008

A little devil's advocate here! How we interact with our patients and their families often means a great deal to them. They are scared, unknowledgeable about the million things going on we take for granted. We are the ones they see day in and day out in a very stressful situation. Doctor might not be around when they are, they might not call back when asked, but there we are coming in and out every hour. How we look (as in our expression) alters how they perceive what is going on.

When we are relaxed, chances are they will be. When we are tense, chances are they will be. This doesn't mean you must be Nancy Sunshine every day, but some can go too far the other direction. You might not mean to come across as short, or intense, or brusque, but if you do - chances are they will think you are rude.

At home I have trouble with my kids when they do something I think they should know better than to do. I will often explain to them why it is bad for them to do it - in a long long fashion. My wife came to talk to me about it - essentially saying I am coming across to hard. So now she will give me a little sign when I am being too tough and I have learned to moderate my approach to them - and they respond better.

Imagine if you could modulate your expression so that the impression people get is one of caring and happiness, how much more they might want to cooperate with what is usually a very unpleasant experience.

Of course there will always be those who are just looking to blame and they might well have been such, but we should always strive to treat everyone as if they are not.

Hope this helps

Pat

RiverNurse · Jul 19, 2008

Thanks for the input... Patwil73 - that is exactly what I was thinking on my way home. Trust me when I say that I have heard this over and over from people outside of nursing - all my life! Someone (I think it may have been Lincoln) that said the face you wear until you're 40 is the one you've been given, after 40 is the one you create.

I *do* try to be nice and outgoing - at the very least polite. Upon further consideration of the situation, something else also occurred to me. I am living in the South - I'm from the North - I think this might be a culture clash of sorts. I've been in different hospital environments as a family member - pre nursing and there have been some of the nurses that have come into the room and not spoken much - it really didn't bother me - because that's pretty much how I was reared and that's what I'm used to in "my neck of the woods".

So - lesson learned. Must be more outgoing - I am not going to say nicer - because I already am nice. For an introvert, this is my big challenge! LOL... I have to say that I am glad it was brought to my attention as it is a TRUE blind spot for me.

Take care,

Shawna

suzy253, RN · Jul 19, 2008

(((Shawna)))....hang in there and vent away.

Armygirl7 · Jul 19, 2008

Shawna

(((hugs)))

I just want to say that I really admire your self-examination here! It is inspiring. Most people who get called out on something (especialy something as personal as this) get very very defensive and put blame all over the place.

But you are here really trying to look in the mirror and that is admirable.

Do your best at trying to change your aspect - but remember it is how you feel about yourself at the end of the day that matters. And most important is patient health and safety. I think everyone appreciates a competent nurse over Miss Mary Sunshine any day.

Maybe you can try a little "Preventative medicine" and say along with your introductions or leave-takings to a family:

"Do you have any questions or concerns? People always tell me I look grouchy but that's just my face - I'm here if you have any questions don't hesitate!"

I worked with a guy in another field for years who had such a grumpy look and never smiled. And after a while I realized I was taking his aspect personally!! Like I was only thinking about myself (as most of us are) and thinking he didn't like me or my jokes or whatever. But over time I realized he is a great guy it's just the way his face is and so what if he doesn't smile 24/7!!! It's not his style!!

So human beings in general take things so personally.

My CNM came across as a real hard ass the first time I met her. I was having home birth and I guess I wanted Little Miss Mary with granola in her hair and sandals on- and this woman was like "all business." My husband really liked her - he didn't want someone airy fairy - this was a big deal and he was focused on her competence - which was outstanding. Over time I realized she taught me so much - because she didn't indulge me or "hold my hand" in a sweet way - when she held my hand it was like WOW I was holding onto a rock!! I LOVE HER to this day(had 2 great home births with her) and I always recomend her and tell people not to be put off by her seriousness!

Anyway - sorry for the long past - but just to let you know that if you acknowledge that you know how you come off to people they may relax a little and stop thinking it is about "them."

Take it easy-

Agirl7

RiverNurse · Jul 19, 2008

You know, I actually *do* mention that I am all business - but haven't lately... LOL... got out of the habit. Guess I'll be getting back into that again... May even mention that I was raised up north... LOL...

Take care all!

Shawna

anonymurse · Jul 19, 2008

The charge nurse is there and tells me that I've been very rude to a patient's family and that I needed to apologize.

I'm so thankful I work with a bunch of cranky, crusty old nurses, a third of whom have charge status. There is no way a charge could get away with ordering anyone to apologize to anyone. Besides, every charge has been gratuitously attacked by enough family members themselves to assume the worst of any of us.

Trust yourself. You saw what you saw, you heard what you heard. You were there, not the charge. You know what went down in detail. You know you did right by your patient.

No sense in letting those jerks take away even a minute of your enjoyment of your off-duty hours. Time for a Bailey's on the rocks.

puggy232 · Jul 20, 2008

Some folks will take offense at the smallest thing, like you said it might be a cultural thing-I worked on a floor with alot pts of color, proverty,urban area, I would get complaints that I was being 'too uppity' I'm a nurse of color, regardless my manner of speaking offended some-'talked too white' whatever that means, I guess english, then I would have others thank me, and say how impressed they were with my professionalism and to see persons of color in the medical field- these were usually the older pts of color. So who knows what and how someone is going to react all you can do is be polite, pleasant and give the best care you can and leave that bs at work don't beat yourself up it's not worth it.

Medic2RN, BSN, RN, EMT-P · Jul 21, 2008

To the OP:

I've read your post twice now and can't find where you were rude. What exactly did you have to apologize for?

RiverNurse · Jul 21, 2008

LOL... You know, now that I re-read my own post, I can't really figure it out either.

I was told to apologize for not acknowledging the pt's family when I went in to change the bag of fluids. I rather felt like a kindergartener at that point - and - the charge nurse is young enough to be my daughter - a moment of dissonance for me.

And so, I was rather confused (rightfully so) when I got home that night. Since then, in a moment of "desparation" and search for "clarity" - I decided to get back to a hugely ignored part of myself - a part I've ignored since I started working as a nurse... Here's what I did:

1. Digging out my Yoga mat and doing a marathon session of sun salutations...

2. Traipsing around a newly discovered bohemian neighborhood in the town where I've moved to

3. Cooking a bunch of curried rice and Dal Makhani

4. Looking at my musical instruments that I haven't touched since I went to work back in October. I eventually plan on getting them out and playing them - VERY soon.

So - at the conclusion of this weekend - I realized that I had done nothing wrong and had nothing to apologize for AND that I am going to look elsewhere for employment that will enhance and enrich me. That environment is not conducive to my career goals and I think this incident clarified that for me.

Y'all take care... many thanks...

Shawna

CCarpeDiem · Jul 26, 2008

Thanks for the input... Patwil73 - that is exactly what I was thinking on my way home. Trust me when I say that I have heard this over and over from people outside of nursing - all my life! Someone (I think it may have been Lincoln) that said the face you wear until you're 40 is the one you've been given, after 40 is the one you create.
I *do* try to be nice and outgoing - at the very least polite. Upon further consideration of the situation, something else also occurred to me. I am living in the South - I'm from the North - I think this might be a culture clash of sorts. I've been in different hospital environments as a family member - pre nursing and there have been some of the nurses that have come into the room and not spoken much - it really didn't bother me - because that's pretty much how I was reared and that's what I'm used to in "my neck of the woods".
So - lesson learned. Must be more outgoing - I am not going to say nicer - because I already am nice. For an introvert, this is my big challenge! LOL... I have to say that I am glad it was brought to my attention as it is a TRUE blind spot for me.
Take care,
Shawna

I live in the South and just from reading your first post, I don't think you were rude.

Having that family report you makes me scared for when I first start nursing.

I'm not all that outgoing and I like to just do my work or whatever needs to be done and just leave. I am very caring and all that but if I need to get something done, it will get done and THEN we can talk. If you're lucky, we can talk WHILE I do it. I just really hate that they reported you. It's really not THAT serious. It seems childish, IMO.

For some reason that just makes me angry. I hate they took all that energy just to report you when you really weren't being rude.

It would be nice if nurses' personalities could be matched with the patient and the patient's family's personality. Only in a perfect world I guess.