Resume/CV: Is this a Run-on sentence?

[zima]

I am very confused how to construct this sentence. This is in my cover letter:

"My clinical and externship experience has allowed me to excel as an advocator, enabling me to acquire medical assistance for those unfortunate, while also strengthening my ability to prioritize care in a fast-paced environment".

Now that I have re-typed that I guess it does seem like a run-on. Does this sound better?

"My clinical experience has allowed me to excel as an advocator, enabling me to acquire medical assistance for those unfortunate; while my externship has strengthened my ability to prioritize care in a fast-paced environment".

After typing that, I also think that is grammatically incorrect. How about this sentence;

"My clinical experience has allowed me to excel as an advocator, enabling me to acquire medical assistance for those unfortunate. As an extern, I have strengthened my ability to prioritize care in a fast-paced environment".

Maybe I should add something to the second sentence of this last one? Lets try another one.

"My clinical experience has allowed me to excel as an advocator, enabling me to acquire medical assistance for those unfortunate. Furthermore, my externship has strengthened my ability to prioritize care in a fast-paced environment".

This last one sounds the best I think.

Thank you for looking.

[solneeshka, BSN, RN]

You're right, the last one sounds best. One thing you might change, though is the phrasing "those unfortunate." It sounds really awkward, as though you're actually trying to say something else but not quite getting it. Maybe "...for the less fortunate"? Or "...for the disenfranchised"?

[0402]

I agree w/ pp- the way it's phrased, "unfortunate" comes across as an adjective missing its noun. Making it 2 sentences seems to flow ok, but I would definitely look at rewording the end of the first sentence.

[hiddencatRN, BSN, RN]

I'd use "patient advocate" instead of advocator. Also, I agree that "unfortunate" is not the right word choice. It sounds like a 1950s euphemism. What about "vulnerable populations"?

[zima]

thank you for the advice everyone. i have edited the two sentences to:

"during my clinical experience i excelled as a patient advocate, acquiring medical assistance for the less fortunate. furthermore, my externship reinforced my ability to prioritize care in fast-paced environments."