I've been lurking around all nurses for a while contemplating whether or not I should give clinical nursing another try.
When I graduated in 2015, I was hired in to a pedi unit where I seemed to do well. There were a couple of hiccups here and there, but my fellow coworkers were hopeful that I would succeed. In a mixture of low self esteem and an undiagnosed mental disorder, I couldn't bare to work at the bedside for longer than 6 months. I know it sounds dramatic, but it was the truth. I contemplated suicide almost every day. I left the bed side for another position at our local mental health clinic. It was not a nursing position... it was more like a case management/education job. I remained there for a year and a half until my symptoms flared up again, which led to hospitalization. I had always considered myself to be depressed (so did my doctors), but after a comprehensive assessment with a psychiatrist, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder II. After that, I was on FMLA on and off, trying to figure out my medications and treatment with my psychiatrist and therapist. At this point, management (at work) was very involved in my recovery. This was good, as they worked with me and got me the help I needed. It was also bad because my recovery was not progressing as quickly as they expected. They began implementing goals that I would do my best to reach monthly, but I was always short. I called all my clients every day, schedule and double book appointments, but only a hand full of clients would come in weekly. I felt personally responsible. In the end, I felt I was no longer an asset to the company and looked for other jobs. I took a part time job where I do... nothing... But it has given me the opportunity to rest.
I've realized where I went wrong in my previous jobs. From lack of disease management, to organization, I know that it was not just the illness, but also my character. I feel like I have a different outlook and I want to try nursing again. I've been looking at psychiatric hospitals because I've always wanted to work there but I never had the guts to move away from my home town to pursue it. But I'm afraid that I'll go back to that dark place. I can't afford to lose myself again, for the sake of my son and husband. I've been stable, with no symptoms, for 4 months now. I'm pretty restless in my current job, and I always find myself looking on Indeed for psych rn positions, I even day dream about it. Does anyone have input or experience they'd like to share? I hate to come across as whiny or needy, but I honestly feel pretty lost.