kale_

Hi there! I hope you all are well and thanks in advance for any advice - I could really use it. I am a new nurse working in the cvicu at a very large hospital. I hate it. I took this position because I thought I wanted to become a CRNA, but now that I see what that actually entails, I don’t think I am cut out for it. I graduated in May 2020 and started in July, so I have only been working for about 6 mos, but I really think I hate it. I feel that I can keep my head above the water for most of my shifts. I feel that I am truly doing my best. I think I am a good nurse. My preceptors have told me that I am a good nurse. But I also haven’t handled super critical patients yet. And the anxiety that this position causes me is crippling. I cry before every shift, and on my off days. I love to hike, I love to cook, I love to read, I love to be with my friends and family but lately I do not enjoy anything bc of the thought of going to work. I am not sleeping well. I sometimes break out in hives all over my body before my shift or even during my shift. I should have known I wouldn’t fit in well in the ICU. I am very detail oriented and I am very driven, which is why I thought I would enjoy this job. However, I am a fairly shy person and I have realized that I don’t work super well under pressure. It’s like my brain freezes. My personality type does not mesh well with all of the sharks on my unit. I get along with everyone just fine, but I have no true friends on the unit because I’m not as outgoing/confident and I am constantly worried that they all know more than I do. I know that all new nurses feel uncomfortable at first and all of the advice I’ve seen is to stick it out. But I don’t know, I feel that I don’t get any joy from this position. I don’t like going to codes because I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t enjoy the emergent bedside procedures because I don’t feel like I can keep up. Part of this may come from the fact that my orientation was only 3 months, when they promised us 4 months with lots of feedback. I received no feedback other than “I am doing well.” But I don’t feel that I am doing well. I hate that my patients are so unstable, because I feel like when things do go south, I won’t know what to do. I also hate knowing that I put in all of this work, and then I show up next week to see my patient has died. I really love interacting with the patients who are getting better, I like getting task-y stuff done and I love learning the pathophysiology/medications but that’s about it. I have been considering going back to school to become an FNP in the primary care setting, so I’m tempted to apply for a position in a family or pediatric office/clinic. I think this will be more my speed. I think I will like the variety, I think I will like the interaction with patients, and I know I will like the hours. But I’m worried that if I quit now, I will think of myself as a failure, and I’m worried that I’ll always just quit when things get especially hard. I know being a new nurse is a very hard transition for most. But should it feel this bad? I guess my question is - is this new grad anxiety or is this more? Should I stick it out or should I move on? But then my question is, why should I stick it out?? I know that everything will work out eventually, but any advice from another nurse would be so greatly appreciated. I just feel very alone.