I 100% understand how you're feeling. Let's see if we can focus this another way. Hearing that you failed 4 times shows that your state allows you more chances, so its not officially over correct? If that is true and the fact that you're here...all is not lost. You havent quit and it looks like you don't want to quit. GREAT!
The word "can't" should be thrown out bc technically your state says YOU CAN, your glimmer of hope deep inside says YOU CAN, and because you actually COMPLETED and GRADUATED from an accredited school (where so many ppl failed the entrance exam, failed 2 classes so they ended up getting released from the program, then had to apply to another nursing program to finish)...all that to say YOU CAN says BON and Pearson vue LOL. So basically "cant" is illogical because you're afforded the time, chances and opportunity.
I promise you I know that feeling of embarrassment. And it is OK and normal to feel it. Feel it. But do not hold on to that feeling for too long bc there are no benefits, only added negatives. It's like having a hot coal literally thrown at you. It feels terrible from the moment it's in your hands...but what do you do after you feel that sting of pain (in physical form)? You throw that sh** haha. Because if you held onto the coal the pain still remains, and WORSE it breaks your skin, it continues to break down all the way to the bone.
Same concept here. You feel the embarrassment, it feels so painful yet because it's in the mind and because school hasn't taught us anything about feeling then letting go of our emotions (like we would treat it in a physical aspect) we hold on to it. And just because we cant see it, doesnt mean it doesnt exist. It begins to break us down. What was supposed to be one moment of embarrassment leads to time passing, ppl furthering themselves, us remaining still, more embarrassment, more fear and anxiety, then eating away at believing in ourselves. You felt so good and confident when you got notice of getting into school, now self esteem is down just bc of 1 exam we think makes or breaks us. Which isn't true! You can pass this exam, like you've passed all of the ones before it...but you have to let go of the embarrassment. It was truly the hardest part for me.
Not only did I see my classmates get their MSN, and doctorate degrees but I also had the added shame of watching my cousin who started nursing school after me, failed 2 classes got released from her school, had to apply to a new nursing program AND start again from the beginning (she finished her first year at the last school) passed her NCLEX, began working as an RN....ALLLLLL of that after I had already graduated from my program lolll.
Hearing that you are seriously looking into jobs that do not require an RN license hit me because that's how I thought. That's what I did. Obviously I'm here...so just know that path didn't work out LOL. Let's go down that path though...let's say you do get that job. Off rip you're underpaid. But let's say you take it bc it'll maybe help boost your self esteem to feel good and confident again in the health care field...cool. You're going to receive recognition and accolades for your work, your coworkers will be amazed at your level of knowledge and ease at learning the skills needed for that scope of practice. You're flowing easily, at first it feels good to get that attention. Time passes. You're so great at your job that ppl tend to rely on you more. You might eventually feel overworked, definitely still underpaid. Your coworkers are asking you "omgg you're so great at this job is there anything more? Bc I can see you doing so much more!" Thennn slowly you're back at that feeling again. You're gonna see that you've always been worthy of being a nurse. No need to waste that time. You can do it now.
You have seen time and time, class and class again that you are capable because you did it. You already qualify as a nurse. You're at the end of the student nurse journey. It's OK to start again. Start slow. F*** motivation. You do not need motivation to begin. You need discipline, consistency and most importantly you need to be kind and forgiving to yourself. You would NEVER tell someone you love to give up and try something else...why the hell would you say that to yourself? Start with 5 pages of content or 5 NCLEX questions today. Who cares how small it is. You do it today and everyday. Little efforts like that will build momentum I promise.
I'm sorry if the message was too long, it wasnt my intention. I'm trying to save you time and years of misery LOL. I learned all of which I stated above after months of serious reading personal development books. That's honestly the number 1 thing that helped me pass the NCLEX. I had to change my mindset, build my self confidence after I destroyed it.
I hope this helps you