So this is probably going to be breathy but I need help/advice. Recently I just started a new job working at the hospital(I came from Home Health) because I thought I wanted to get back into acute care. However, they COMPLETELY misled me on how the unit functions.
It was explained that we do some in patient hospice sometimes. However, we have been doing it CONSTANTLY and I declared someone with my preceptor which absolutely petrified me. I had nightmares, couldn’t sleep and am terrified now of having hospice patients. I’ve learned a new respect for hospice nurses!
Then, I was told that our patient loads would be based on acuity but would not exceed 6. However, now that I’ve been on my own for 2 shifts I’ve realized their acuity calculations are complete crap! I feel so lost, so confused, like a new grad with no experience and even one of the travelers who is well experienced feels the same!
Aside from that, I’ve been yelled at by a doctor for being on the phone with another doctor when he called me from a page. This left me in complete tears because I was already having a terrible shift. I sobbed for a while, then my way home, then for two hours once I got home. There’s no support in the units once you are on your own. I was trained for two of the units, had one day on the other unit, and then started on a unit I’d NEVER been on. We don’t actually have charge nurses to help you, as they rotate through the core staff for who is charge AND the charge takes a full patient load as well. My supervisor is brand new in her role, the educator is new in his role, the preceptor I had isn't a fan of precepting, and I’m just so defeated. I was told that they had staff who seldom left, and that it was uncommon for them to have openings because tenure was so long. Yet, I find that there’s NUMEROUS new hires, travelers, people leaving, people overwhelmed, etc. I was sold on a lie. Now I’m panicking, anxious, paranoid to contact MD, and ready to leave nursing altogether.
I'm so lost and confused. I’m freaking out on my days off, unable to stay calm and am stressed about my next shift. I have a history of PTSD, depression, anxiety but I’ve had them so well controlled until NOW. I left home health because I was a case manager, on salary, who was the ONLY full time RN for a very large area - my phone never stopped going off. Yet that’s looking like cake walk in comparison to this. Prior to that, I had my first job in postpartum - which I LOVED - but nightshift and poor management was literally killing me to the point my doctor requested accommodation.
I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared, confused, lost, and exceedingly depressed to the point I scare myself sometimes. I can’t help but wonder if I completely screwed up my career, and will be miserable for the rest of my life...or die early from stress intolerance.
Any advice, suggestions...whatever. Please. I am desperate. :(