I am a new graduate who received my license in July of last year. I was lucky enough to land a position in a new grad program and now work on a PCU in the hospital. I feel so guilty because I feel like I should just be grateful that I have a job in this tough job market, however I am just miserable. The stress of the weight of responsibility I feel is unbearable on some days and I have felt a huge weight come into my life that I cannot shake and have never felt before. I work the night shift and every other weekend and find myself incredibly upset with how much my schedule interferes with me spending time with my family and friends who all have mon-fri jobs.I was always someone who values that time so much and my favorite part of my day was always coming home after work/school to friends/ family and spending weekends with them and going to church. The first 5 months in, I had incredible anxiety/stress and I was quite possibly depressed, undiagnosed (I should have got a referral to a Psychiatrist/therapist from my PCP but chickened out one time I went because I was ashamed and felt people would just think I was dramatic). I dread going into work every night and on a lot of my days off I dread the next day that I have to go in. I have always been a hardworking person with a good attitude, however since starting this job, I feel that it has taken my joy. The people who I work with are incredibly kind and supportive, however I still am miserable. I do not like the hospital and never have, however this was the only interview I got from all of the jobs I applied to and I am incredibly lucky for the opportunity/experience. I have shadowed in outpatient settings and know that I like it so much more. However, right now I am only 6 months in to my hospital job. It is getting better in terms of me feeling more competent and having a little less anxiety, however the anxiety is still there and it breaks my heart to not come home to family during the night for half of my week and miss out on so many experiences on the weekends I do work. I know, I know, I signed up for this whacky schedule and stress when I wanted to be a nurse. However, now I am willing to do ANYTHING to have some semblence of a normal life/stress level back. What do I do? Anyone else experiencing something similar? Is it too early to start applying to new outpatient day positions for the sake of my happiness/sanity? Also, is my sanity worth the paycut? Any suggestions welcome. Thank you so much in advance. Much love and hugs to all my new nurses going through something similar right now.
