So I've been off of residency since June of last year. Simultaneously while starting my full-time nursing career, I also immediately jumped into getting my BSN done as a full-time student. I've been finished with that since June this year.
You would think that after these accomplishments, I would be proud and excelling in my career (and many of my co-workers, family, and friends say they don't know how I did it), but I just feel empty inside.
I have been having intermittent suicidal thoughts since I started my prerequisites. It used to be so intermittent that I could brush it off and continue with my day but, over the years, these thoughts have become more and more crippling. They were especially bad during my programs, but I assumed that it was the stress of it all.
Yet here I am, trying to better myself and do well by my patients but barely getting by without being distracted by these relentless thoughts. On really bad days, I have to tell them to stop out loud to myself to dim their volume in my head. I feel like its a constant struggle to keep my nursing knowledge in my head because these thoughts try to take so much room. On my days off, I used to go days without talking to people and stay in my room in the dark binge eating and listening to things at a high volume to drown out the thoughts. It's better now that I try to stay busy, go to the gym and socialize despite my introverted nature.
I am interested in going further in my education trying new nursing fields and just appreciating life, but these intruding thoughts are holding me back. I feel trapped inside my head. The most frustrating thing is that I have no idea what is making me feel this way. I am a bit of a perfectionist, but I've always been that way, so why haven't I always had these thoughts?
I think that my family has begun to notice the changes in me. I have tried to take to my mother about it, but I think she fails to grasp just how bad it is. She is always like, "You have a lot of things on your plate. Just remember that everyone is experiencing stress. It's not just you. Things could be worse." I know that and hearing that then makes me feel ashamed and worsens the intrusive thoughts.
I have been considering talking to my NP about it, but I'm afraid of having these thoughts being more real, official and in my record. Additionally, I'm afraid of it reaching my work management and while I like many of my co-workers, I don't feel the same trust and warmth for my managers.