A while ago, I posted on here about choosing which area to work. You all were very helpful, so now I'm back.
Don't get me wrong. I am extremely glad I chose to work where I did. There is pretty much no incidence of older nurses eating their young and I'm supremely grateful for that. But I feel like I'm drowning. I really do not feel like I am doing a lot with my life, but somehow I still have no social life and I do not have the energy to go to the gym. Self care is minimal and I have lost friendships, as well as a potential relationship due to time demands. I've been off orientation for a couple months now.
There are several factors that go into this --
1) I am doing online RN-BSN courses that are more demanding than I thought. I am about to have a 76 average in a leadership class because of one final paper that I wrote with a group of other RNs that just did not come together as planned. I'm disappointed.
2) I have a mentorship program at work that is a required 6 month commitment with social events like luncheons. They are once a month, with one experienced RN mentor assigned to a group of 5-6 new grads. It can be helpful and nice, but if you don't go they make you sign some kind of paper and talk to your manager. The first two events have been at 10-11 AM when I work the night before. As far as speaking to this mentor about my situation, talking about all this in person feels wrong. It's worth mentioning that I'm pretty stoic and don't talk about feelings a lot. I might not even post this.
3) Typical new grad RN work stress? Maybe you remember feeling this way your first year. Is this normal? I feel as if I am always making mistakes. I was 30 minutes late to a shift three weeks ago and I cannot forgive myself about it. Twice I missed retaking vital signs when there is a blood pressure outside normal range. I am not comfortable drawing blood, transfusing blood or starting Foleys just yet although I have the competency to. (I know blood requires dual sign off--I mean setting up the tubing, doing the monitoring etc. on my own). I get nervous to talk to the on-call providers (mid levels, usually). I have to ask for help 2-5 times per shift from the charge RN or my coworkers. I am not afraid to ask for help, but I think my requests might be excessive. I lose sleep thinking about these things.
Should I have stayed on orientation longer? Do I need to just suck it up? Am I not cut out for this? Please be honest with me.
This is, or was, my dream. Graduating and passing the NCLEX were among the proudest moments of my life. I felt like I was finally taking steps in the right direction. Now I don't know.
If you got this far, thanks for reading.