Please read my Nursing university essay

[FarahFMJ37]

Hi everybody! I just finished writing my essay for the Nursing program application and I would really appreciate everyone's feedback! I am open to any criticism and corrections on my grammar/spelling/sentence structure.

Why do you wish to study this program? What influenced your decision to apply to this program?

My desire and passion to study Nursing and become a nurse has always been there for many years and it only got stronger by time. Being a nurse is an extremely rewarding profession, you get to comfort and hold people when they are at their weakest point; when they are physically and emotionally unstable. You also get to share people's happiest moments as if they were your own. Since I am compassionate, patient, and calm, I know I can help touch people's lives on a daily basis, to be their main support system, to share their pain and grief, to reassure them and their family members when they need it the most, without expecting anything in return other than their comfort and well-being.

The most significant event which influenced my decision to study Nursing was back in 2011 when my father was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's. I was only twelve but my age did not stop me from researching day and night about his disease, how it arises, the treatment options, and how to cope with it. My fascination with sciences began and that was the moment I decided I wanted to work in the health field. Initially I wanted to become a doctor but this all changed when my father was in his middle and last stages of the disease. I started providing direct care for my father, such as administering medications, giving him baths, taking his blood pressure, operating feeding pumps and even caring for his wounds. These daily tasks were enough for me to realize that I want to be a nurse and definitely not a doctor, because I want to have direct contact with my patients. The feeling of being able to be there for my father in his sleepless nights, to hug him and lay next to him until he falls asleep, was like no other feeling on Earth. I felt like I could do absolutely anything as long he is well rested. This is how I want to give back to the community, I want to be there for my patients just like I was there for my father.

I truly believe that I am destined to become a nurse and it is the only thing I can imagine doing in my life. I enjoy working in a team and communicating with people and these are essential qualities for every nurse. This is why I took part in many extra-curricular activities during my free-time, in order to enhance and improve my communication skills. I have been part of a wide variety of activities, three of my favorites which were; raising funds to help pay for surgeries for children born with cleft lips, to shadowing a nurse in a small clinic, and being part of the Model United Nations which taught me so much about life in third-world countries. All these experiences definitely helped strengthen my character by allowing me to communicate openly and freely with people.

The stress accompanying my tough high school subjects has emotionally and mentally prepared me for this overwhelming, knowledge filled Nursing program. Many do not have the patience to become a nurse and work long hours. However, my determination will prove me to be one of the best students at your university.

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Thanks so much for reading! :)

[direw0lf, BSN]

I saw noone else commented so I wanted to try and the first thing I think that isn't too professional for this essay is "You get to." That needs to be replaced. Not "you" and not "get to." Maybe something more like "I will be privileged to.."

I also thought your second sentence is grammatically off a little.

I like the rest of that paragraph. I think nursing shouldn't be capitalized.

"...researching day and night, ABOUT how it arises..."

"It was the preceding event that began my fascination with the sciences. I have wanted to work in health care since."

New paragraph for "initially I wanted to become..."? Also some doctors do have direct contact with patients. Maybe you can talk about nursing model vs medical model instead?

I don't know about the "destined" part. I don't like how that sounds but maybe others would.

New paragraph for "I enjoy working in a team.."

If you can write more, give an example of an idea you came up with for fundraising or something.

I don't like "many do not have the patience.." focus on yourself. Say "I have the patience."

Just my opinions!

P.s I like the rest and good luck

[UCFAshley]

I would see if your school has a writing lab to check for grammar errors. Maybe it can help find other ways to convey what you want to say because Phrases like "got stronger" just doesn't read very well.

I

[kaylee.]

I think the pp suggested this, but come up with an example from either the cleft lip experience, or the shadowing a nurse experience. These are great things to have done, a story of how they solidified your decision to pursue nursing is key. The general point is: if you mention an experience, u should elaborate even just a couple sentences, or else dont even mention.