PLEASE HELP (need help with cover letter)

[Chandelle]

I am a newer nurse (just over a year experience) looking to move from emergency nursing to labour and delivery. Below is my cover letter, please give my feedback on how it could be improved! This is a competitive specialty where I am and want the best chance possible.

Dear Hiring Manager at the XXX Hospital Labour and Delivery Department,

I am pleased to write you today regarding the part time labour and delivery registered nurse position in your department. My nursing background is in pediatric and adult emergency care, and I am looking to follow my passion for maternal and baby health by specializing in labour and delivery nursing. I am extremely interested in joining your team, and would love the opportunity to outline some of the strengths I will bring to this position.

Working in fast paced emergency departments has allowed me to hone my time management and assessment skills, as well as the ability to respond quickly and appropriately to patients changing conditions. It also requires excellent communication skills to effectively convey pertinent information to the interdisciplinary team and to patients and their families, in both an advocacy and patient education capacity. These skills would directly transfer to the position of a labour and delivery nurse and would provide me with a strong foundation to build upon to become an outstanding labour and delivery nurse.

Additionally I have leadership experience in both volunteer and professional positions, having held the role of President of a students association in my undergraduate degree and now in the role of charge nurse in my current position. I also have volunteer experiences both internationally and locally that have developed my competence in working with infants and families from diverse backgrounds and cultures.

Finally, I am very passionate about additional education to better myself as a nurse and to provide the best care possible to my patients and their families. I have completed a variety of emergency courses, and the an online perinatal course through XXX, and am eager to continue pursuing additional education opportunities in this new role of a labour and delivery nurse.

Attached is my resume for your reference. Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to speaking with you soon.

[Silverdragon102, BSN]

Moved to the Resume Advice forum

[Crash_Cart]

I have experience as a hiring manager. I looked at 1000's of cover letters.

Okay, so here's what you need to do.

Remember a cover letter serves one purpose and one purpose only. The objective is to generate interest to get you noticed over any other candidates for an interview. That's it, and nothing else. Getting them to pick up the phone and call you for an interview is your only goal.

Think of a cover letter like you're on a fishing expedition and you have to "hook them" using your bait very quickly. You will only have about 30 seconds to do that. So if it takes longer than that for anyone to read your cover letter, then it needs revision. When I was hiring employees, I would only read about 3 paragraphs. I didn't have time to read everything and mostly just "scanned" through everything looking for key phrases to fit the job description. In fact, if I didn't see any qualifying information in the cover letter, I wouldn't even bother looking at the resume.

My favorite cover letters used bullet points. That made it a heck of a lot easier for me to qualify the candidate than the idea of sifting through numerous paragraphs looking for buried details.

Important: Tell me why you are the candidate I should hire for this position! You would be utterly amazed how many people don't do this.

To be successful, you need to hook the hiring manager with your bait in the very first few lines in the first paragraph. This is your "introductory statement" about yourself. What you need me to see is how you are immediately qualifying yourself for the posted position using as few words as possible. Write the cover letter for the "job" you are applying for. This is not the time to use generic cover letter templates, those will just go in the trash can. You need to come across as "YOU" speaking in the cover letter and you need to tell me, "Here I am and i'm the candidate you have been looking for, and here's why."

...Am I making sense so far?

What you shouldn't do is write a lot of "generic wordy" information in the cover letter that doesn't specifically illustrate any of this, because it will only dilute your attempt to hook them with your bait.

I am not trying to be critical or anything, but let's examine some things said in the cover letter in a constructive kind of way for further consideration.

For example, everyone (including the hiring manager) already has a pretty good idea what duties an emergency room nurse does. It's something that's automatically inferred without actually being required to say to them in your cover letter:

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time management and assessment skills, as well as the ability to respond quickly and appropriately to patients changing conditions.

So this part basically just describes what every emergency room nurse does. It doesn't stand out to me as a compelling selling point about yourself. It's just something that doesn't need to be said.

Ok, let's move along to this:

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I am extremely interested in joining your team, and would love the opportunity to outline some of the strengths I will bring to this position.

The problem here is the cover letter suggests you would like the opportunity to outline your strengths. If I was the hiring manager reading your cover letter I would ask myself questions like, "Sooo....okay?...where are you doing this in your cover letter exactly?" "This information doesn't seem clear to me." I would be thinking to myself that bullet points would help me better understand this information.

Also keep in mind, the cover letter itself is your "opportunity" to express your strengths. It's not something you request to be done at a later time. If you can't do this in your cover letter, there will be no other opportunity. So the time for doing this is now, and it's done in your cover letter. Sell, Sell, Sell yourself!

Next:

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I have completed a variety of emergency courses, and the an online perinatal course through XXX, and am eager to continue pursuing additional education opportunities in this new role of a labour and delivery nurse.

I have absolutely no idea what "emergency courses" you have taken are exactly. So is there any course you did that might stand out and scream "Wow that's pretty darn impressive!" You see, as a hiring manager that's the kind of thing I am looking for. Find a way to wow and impress me okay?

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Attached is my resume for your reference. Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to speaking with you soon.

I already know your resume is attached for my reference lol. I seen this written so many times in cover letters, it just sounds like a cliche.

The end of your cover letter should always be a personal "call to action" like this:

"I would like to schedule a time to meet and discuss my qualified experience and background with you in clearer detail, so you can fill the current position. I may be reached by email xxx@xxx or by telephone at [phone]. I am looking forward to meeting with you in person at your earliest convenience. "

I sincerely hope this helps in some positive way and good luck!