Please critique my Cover Letter been rejected too many times

[ICUNightAngel]

Hi all, I'm in an awkward position. I considered myself lucky by getting a job offer as a School Nurse straight out of school and boy has it been an interesting learning journey. Now it's been 2 years and because of my lack of acute care experience I feel like I'm a new grad...but I am not considered one anymore so I can't apply to residencies or new grad programs. I have actually gone to a few hospitals and called places to see if they would even consider me as one because I have applied to regular med/surg positions and have had no response or have been rejected. I would love to gain some acute care experience but I'm stuck in the middle. I don't want to be ungrateful for my job but it is time to move on since there is no growth and I am struggling through my application process. I am wondering if the reason I'm being rejected is because of my cover letter. Please help I would appreciate any advice. Thanks!

Dear Talent Acquisition Specialist:

In response to the position of med/surg at xxx found on xxx, I have enclosed my resume for your review and consideration. Ideally, this position will further my understanding of acute care nursing and form an even stronger foundation in my career by allowing me contribute to xxx's reputation for promoting a culture of service excellence.

I graduated from xxx in 2012 with a Bachelor of Science degree in Nursing at the top of my class with a 3.8 GPA and received honors for achievements for academia and an award for providing outstanding competent and "compassionate care" in my clinical practice. My dedication to further my knowledge has been demonstrated by my services as a summer volunteer in a medical practice before nursing school and as a winter volunteer during nursing school. I speak fluent Chinese and look forward to challenges. I have shown initiative throughout my journey to becoming a RN. Meeting the demands of being a full-time undergraduate, working part-time as a ward clerk at xxx and holding a position in the SNA, even creating a new mentorship program in my nursing school. I also offer valuable acute care experience from a competitive Student Nurse Internship program at xxxteaching hospitalxxxx. In my current position as a school nurse at xxxx, I have been providing exceptional care and have fostered relationships with the students, family, and faculty.

I value being a competent and compassionate Registered Nurse and recognize that every encounter offers an opportunity to enhance client and family experience when receiving care. I am highly committed to giving high-quality customer service to my clients through my foundation of experiences from school and work. My interest in obtaining more clinical experience through this position is driven by my passion to learn the most effective ways to facilitate the healing process and deliver competent evidence-based practice healthcare while recognizing the individuality of each client. To this end, I can assure you that I will work diligently to promote the mission and goals of xxxx through collaborating with the community, patients and healthcare professionals to develop solutions and promote health.

My knowledge of the importance of giving comprehensive care to clients and their families and know that while collaborating with others will make me a valuable asset to any client population. Thank you for your time. Please don't hesitate to contact me with any questions at xxx xxx xxxx. I look forward to your response.

Cordially,

MakeMeYourEmployee

[JustBeachyNurse, LPN]

Very long letter too much focus on what you did as a student and too little recent experience. (Pretty much everything after graduating. & accolades). Honestly I stopped reading

Are you credentialed in medical translation for Chinese? Is there a significant population that speaks Chinese in your area? If so this can be a huge asset to your potential employer. You can google certified medical translator to find where to start. However due to current standards & regulations being fluent without certification (in translation or medical translation) is of little help to an employer.

[mama.RN]

As other poster noted, need to focus more on RN experience. Don't need to list everything, esp. if will be on resume anyway. Definitely get certification as medical translator for Chinese language, specify what dialect, if applicable. The line "further my understanding of acute care nursing" makes it sound like you have no idea about it/no experience at all. Focus more on what you have to bring to the table, not on what you plan to get out of it. Focus on strengths/skills overall and skills gained in last two years. Some other random things: why is "compassionate care" in quotes?, "becoming a RN" should be "becoming an RN". Too many long sentences. Should really just be a couple of short paragraphs. Hope that helps, please post another letter when you revise. :)

[joanna73, BSN, RN]

I'm in the process of looking for a new position, and fortunately, I've had positive responses for a handful of jobs.

Your cover letter needs to be concise. Tell the employer which position you're applying for, briefly outline your credentials, and in one or two short paragraphs link the organization's values to your experience. How can you meet their needs?

Many people think that saying "I'm compassionate...." Etc, etc will land them a job. No. The recruiter has hundreds of cover letters to scan and they see this over and over. You need to capture their interest somehow. A cover letter should be no more than three paragraphs with a closing line.

[llg, PhD, RN]

I agree with the previous posters. Your letter is about twice as long as it should be. The purpose of a cover letter is not to repeat the contents of your resume in paragraph form. It is to highlight 2 or 3 key points to get you noticed.

Also, don't talk about how an acute care job will help your professional growth. Employers are not in the business of paying people to learn. They are looking to hiring competent people to take care of the patients. Take out all the stuff that talks about what the job will do for you. They hire based on what you can do for them.

Finally, you might want to consider some other career paths -- ones other than direct-care hospital staff nurse. You might have more success building on your school nursing experience than trying to "double back" and get a job where your 2-year absence from acute care works against you.

[RunBabyRN]

To echo some of the other responses, your letter is extremely wordy. Keeping it concise will keep the reader from checking out and moving on to the next letter.

Why should I hire YOU, out of all of the 200 applicants? What can YOU offer ME? I don't care what I can offer you, that's not what this transaction is about.

You have to capture their interest right away, keep it brief, and brag. Tell them how you are the bet candidate for the job, and here's why.

[Seas]

Way to long to read. I even had a challenge reading it. I can't imagine a manager, reading tons of cover letters, would want to read this long of a cover letter. Keep it short, include the essential points. Tell them why "you" among the others.