Gave my heart away again. (long)

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I just needed to talk. Work called this evening and they are withdrawing on one of our chronic kids. He was fine when I left work yesterday. He was trying to launch into orbit in the bouncy chair. This afternoon he infarcted his bowel and liver. Tonight they are withdrawing support including the vent. He is only 18 months old. He lived at a local nursing home on the vent chronically. He was scheduled to go back to the nursing home next week after recovering from an iliostomy takedown. While he was in the hospital I would bring his clothes home and wash them as he had no family. I would also search the clearance racks for outfits for him. Despite everything he went through he would still grin up at you for small things like placing him in the bouncy chair or picking up the ball yet again. He loved any attention anyone would give him. Even nasty things like changing out the trach or changing the central line dressing were laughed through. I have only worked in PICU for 6 months. These kids fight so hard, are with us sometimes for months on end, and yet show more strength, tenacity and grace then any adult, It is hard to see them lose the fight so suddenly. I have lost other kids. Usually, though it is after a long decline and death is a release. Some how it is easier then. This is hard when the last time I saw him he looked well, happy and finally winning the fight. He was finally being able to wean from the vent for most of the day. I feel blindsided right now. It will be difficult for the other parents of long term kids at work too. Everyone knew this little guy. You could hear the bouncing through out the unit. The reminder that this could happen to their child too will be difficult for them. God, this is hard. I just needed to talk with those who have been there and would understand. My family sure doesn't. They don't understand how I can become so attached to a pt. Afterall it's not like he was family or anything. No, he didn't have any blood family just his medical family and I was a part of that. Glad I don't have to work until Monday now. I need time to grieve.

Specializes in PICU, surgical post-op.

His funeral was this morning, and I went. I'm so glad I did. His mum didn't come, and there were only 4 people from his "family" (including the minister). There were lots of us though- nurses, social workers, a dietician and his favourite attending. His dad wanted to see him one last time, so they opened up the box (that's the first baby casket I've seen ... boy are they small!) ... turns out, not even knowing it, the funeral director put in his all-time favourite rattle, the first toy my little man ever reached for on his own!

Thank you guys for your encouraging words over the past few days. It's been a rough go, but today was definitely important for a sense of closure. If nothing else, it impressed on me one last time how truly important we all were in this little guy's life.

I'm going to get some sleep. It's been a long day, and theres a unit full of kids to love tomorrow.

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"""turns out, not even knowing it, the funeral director put in his all-time favourite rattle, the first toy my little man ever reached for on his own!"""

I have tears in my eyes....

I am so glad you and the others were there for this little boy.

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Specializes in Acute Dialysis.

turns out, not even knowing it, the funeral director put in his all-time favourite rattle, the first toy my little man ever reached for on his own!

God does work in mysterious ways.

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Specializes in pedi, pedi psych,dd, school ,home health.

AliRae,

I am glad you went to the funeral and it sounds like it helped you. Please allow yourself the time to remember him. I like to keep a pic of my kiddos with me for a while... reminds me that they are gone but still with me ... and there will be another little soul that will touch your heart someday, trust me. You sound like a wonderful, compassionate nurse. God put you in this little boys life to care for him until He was ready to take him back to Heaven. as i said before , think of him happy and laughing and playing in heaven... that is his reward. Peace to you my friend :saint:

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Specializes in Peds leukemia, APON, GI in a clinic.

I swear this is the best and the worst that we as nurses do/have to do. I haven't been able to talk myself into going to the funeral of any of my kids yet. Not sure if I would handle it very well.

Good nurse. God bless. Get up and take care of another one tomorrow, because that's what we do!

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Hang in there, kiddo. It sure isn't easy to do what's important. :(

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