Personal Statement help:)

[brascoliosis]

Hey everyone,

Brasco here. Applying to UTMB for the fall and just wanted some critique on my personal statement so far. I'm a HUC and I am using my charge as my reason for nursing. I'm also going to add in the technology and research aspect of UTMB as a reason for being a good fit for me. Let her rip ladies and gents!

"By the end of the night the patient had been shocked more than 70 times. I had heard of and read about an electrical storm but never had experience with the phenomenon as I am told by the charge nurse that it is rare. That was the night, the defining moment. The patient was wheeled in to the Medical Intensive Care Unit having coded 3 times prior to the transfer. The charge nurse knew this and was prepared. I want to be like him.

The patient arrived stable. Then, as quickly as the patient had arrived the charge yells for the crash cart. Chest compressions began; available nurses surround the room waited to assist. The charge gives subsequent commands for IVs and then the AED malfunctions. Instinctually, the charge nurse turned to me and asked me to get the crash cart from the other side of the unit. I and two other nurses hurried to the opposite side of the unit. Luckily, another nurse had heard him and was already headed to the patient's room with the cart. I want to be like him.

Within two hours the charge had already become accustomed to the cycle of the electrical storm; the sudden spike in heat rate, the grimacing pain shown by the patient, the rolled eyes and then the shock. The charge explained this to his nurses working on his side of the MICU. Electrical storm was a rare occurrence to which even the cardiologist paid close attention. The charge gave report confident of the situation and the patient being stable for the time being. I want to be like him. "

Good luck to everyone applying and congrats to those who got in!

[roser13, ASN, RN]

JMO: After reading YOUR personal statement, I know more about an unfortunate patient than I do about you.

[BrandonLPN, LPN]

Ok, so we know why you want to be a nurse, but you still didn't tell us any thing about yourself. What is your academic background? Your social/economic background? So you want to be a nurse, but why would you be a good nurse?

And, not to sound like a jerk, but you should know that coding pts is a very very small portion of nursing. TV has trained the public to believe that working in healthcare is something it isn't. And the recruiter reading this is probably even more cynical than I am, with all the essays and BS they skim through daily. You need to stand out. And another nursing student who thinks nursing is like an episode of ER certainly doesn't stand out.

You work as a ward clerk (or whatever) already. Stress that. You'd be better off saying you want to be a nurse because, even though you see how overworked and understaffed they are, you also see how they can make a difference for people who are vulnerable and scared. Tell a story about a nurse on your unit who has managed to maintain his level of practice in spite of an insane workload and bad management. *That* will impress a jaded recruiter a lot more than some story about coding someone and shocking them 70 times. I got the impression you wanted to be a paramedic moreso than a nurse.

[brascoliosis]

Thanks for the critique. I'm not good at "selling myself" and never cared to so I'm new to that. I feel like the overworked/troubles with management comment is fairly accurate. But I'm not tactful enough to mention management without coming off as a jerk (I'm the tattooed guy who usually gets in trouble for stuff that the others don't) I do have some stuff to think about now so thanks again guys.

[AnonRNC]

How about something like this?

"I work with a nurse, whom I admire. He had these great qualities...., which I think are important to nursing because... By becoming a nurse, I hope to further the profession of nursing by developing my qualities of .... which are beneficial to my future patients and my future co-workers."

Also, "I and two other nurses" is grammatically incorrect - should be "Two other nurse and I."

You said "I want to be like him" three times. Perhaps you were repeating yourself. Perhaps you repeating that statement for effect. If you were repeating it for effect, try "I want to be like him because..." and each of the three times, end it with a different reason, a different character trait you admire.

Good luck!

[brascoliosis]

I like the phrasing. I'm going to see how I can tie that in with my work experience. Thank you for the help!