Peer program power trip...

Hey catsmeow, sorry to hear about your difficulties. I really think something needs to be done about these programs. I've been on a cease practice since the middle of March because of a false positive I got on an ETG test and I have yet to even hear from the boards. In the meantime I still have to comply with all the random screening, meetings and fines and will probably get 2 more years added to my time when all is said and done. All for a DUI I got when I was 22 that has since been expunged from my record. I'm lucky that my job is allowing me to stay on staff as a ward clerk while the situation is resolved but it's extremely embarrassing showing up to work as a secretary every day when I've never even had a meeting error in all my time here. Not to mention, the board hasn't even given me a hint that they're anywhere near resolving this matter. I have no idea what people do who's jobs don't allow them to continue working. I go home every night and apply to jobs like crazy. I've gotten a few call backs but most jobs don't want to hire a nurse because our pay is so high. I was offered a job at 20 bucks an hour and refused it because I'd be struggling to make ends meet in this part of California. It's obscene what jobs are allowed to pay employees with their bachelors in this country, makes you wonder if college is even worth it. I have gone through a whole lot of depression through this program but whenever I feel that way, I just surround myself with my family and friends who remind me I'm not a drug addicted criminal felon with a hopeless future (as the board makes me feel) but rather an intelligent, caring, educated individual who made a mistake many years ago that I should leave in the past. Don't let them get you down, I'll try not to either

gnurse, thanks for a response that does not spout slogans and junk at me. i appreciate it. I do try not to let it all get to me, but this whole mess has driven a big wedge between me an most of my family and we were never even all that close to begin with. So not a whole lot of support there. I've moved around the state a time or two since the start because I went where I could get a job. So there's not a lot on the friend side. The few i do have, i tend to not elaborate to about it because I am pretty sure most people who have not been in this position have no clue just how awful/demeaning/humiliating it all is. The one good factor is that i have an awesome job, with an awesome management team that is very supportive of me. In spite of still struggling financially, every day that i go to work, i am reminded of how it is to be respected as professional nurse and not defined by the scarlet letters of this experience.

I just feel like no matter how much I adhere to their stupid requirements, I am never going to shake it. All i want to do is to be able to support myself, pay my bills and maybe have a few pennies left over at the end of the month. instead I am beholden to being lead around by the nose by an outfit that has never laid eyes on me and seems to be only interested in controlling me, even in aspects that have nothing to do with nursing. i can't even take communion at church because of this. oh and let's not forget the constant demands for money for fees, piss tests and "just because we feel like it" re-evaluations.

The first 8 months or so of this nightmare involved a completely unnecessary stint in a sleazy drug/alcohol rehab place. My therapist says I have a great case of PTSD from that awful experience. i just need to get through the next 779 days, but who's counting:cat:

"What doesn't kill you gives you a dark and twisted sense of humor"

catsmeow1972, I ****** ******* understand! Let this **** out!!! 2.5 years in after doing everything right my speech went like this:

"...you know I stand here in front of you every six months for five minutes. You all talk to me like you know me. I've done everything right. All screens negative, paid all monthly dues on time, work site monitor on time, all my meetings logged in court card turned in on time, nurse support group perfect attendance, did everything with a father who passed away during this program, etc. There are nurses in my support group who have talked relapse and suicide and much sicker than I am...."

The above was in a raised tone with a little pointy finger. I get it!! But, a little voice in me told me to ****! I'm gonna make **** worse!!!

No speech here from me. You vent! There was an angry part of me then that wanted to find them out in public...that's how mad I was.

I will say this though. When you finally finish this I hope you get to tell them what I said. "I hated you all, but now that I'm graduating.....thank you!"

I feel ya. I hate this program. In my eyes I screwed up, big time. I am by no means a drug addict. I went through some **** and was at my worst and self medicated, got caught, and here I am. I have no desire to go back. They say we're powerless over alcohol/drugs, well I say we're powerless over this program. They don't give a **** about us, just the boxes that are checked each month. Right now I'm fighting to be discharged from counseling because the counselor follows her own set plan of weekly sessions for 6 months, biweekly for the next 6 months, then if I'm lucky she'll let me go. She told my case manager I have stuff to work on yet will not elaborate. When we have our sessions she is constantly late and wants to end early, we often only discuss meaningless topics. Despite my evaluation only recommending 6 weeks of counseling, my counselor has the last say. You really learn to suck it up and say yes ma'am, no ma'am. With my clean record with them I plan to be out at the 2 year mark. **** these people

I wouldn't dismiss a non-nurse job out of hand if it's something you're really considering. (Obvs it really sucks that you have to consider it, but yeah.) I was hired on at Target and a local grocery store while I couldn't work as a nurse and I have friends who work as nurses and pick up seasonal jobs at places like B&N and Kohl's for the employee discount.

Omg I am right there with you. Every time I drive away from the lab after peeing in a cup, I think "*******". Not the lab people, they're actually very nice, just to the program in general! And I feel like I'm being held hostage, I'm putting my life on hold because of this program. I have several different trips I'm dying to take, I'm 6 months out after my divorce and really want to treat myself, but I can't because of my monitoring. I want to go to Ireland but I'll be ****** if I'm going to Dublin without having a beer in a pub! And I'm really wanting to go to Italy but again, I want to try the red wines!! No, alcohol isn't the only thing I get out of my vacations, obviously, but a nice glass of wine with dinner...is that so bad?? And then there's the problem of being away for a week...I'm supposed to be going to NA/AA meetings 4 times a week. I went at first, met some great people but didn't really get much out of it other than comraderie. And seriously, 4 times a week? That's ridiculous. So if I take a trip, yes I could do without the alcohol, I've gone without for 2 years, I can keep that up, but then I'd have to claim I went to meetings while out of town. Not gonna happen! But I don't want to fabricate a bunch of group names and meeting times/locations. I don't want to get caught in that lie! So I'm stuck taking short trips where I can pretend I've done all my meetings at home then went off on a 3 day weekend. I'm even afraid to post on Facebook when I take a fabulous camping trip because if anyone ever checked closely, they'd realize that on the days I'm out in the beautiful state parks camping, I'm supposedly attending an AA meeting in the town where I live!! I thought about finding a meeting near the campsites, just to write it down as having attended, but I'm afraid of getting caught in a lie. I do NOT having any interest in going to an NA/AA meeting during my camping trips, but I also don't want to lie about having gone. So, when I go camping, I lay low in the social media world and don't post anything, for fear of being caught not attending meetings! I'm on a pretty set schedule of testing every other week, so I've been able to avoid leaving the campsite to find a lab nearby, so far anyway.

Anyway, RANT OFF. Just wanted to say I totally understand your frustration!

There is a very funny "old" Saturday Night Live episode where a guy keeps leaving a burning bag of crap outside another guys door and he is always opening the door in dismay...only to stamp out a giant bag full O' poop! My fantasy is to really leave my "handlers" a **** sample (they've gotten enough of my urine) on their front door (a nice big P cup full) and let them see what its like waking up every day to a ****** reality...

I'm in the Peer program in Oklahoma - and wanted to travel to California when I'm out. After all I've read here - it doesn't seem to matter to CA BON how much work you've put in or how much time has lapsed since your criminal convictions (I too, have a DUI), they will STILL make you go through their monitoring program. Would you say this is true?

I'm sorry to hear you got a false + (god, my worse fear). Condemning of the innocent seems to be the running theme of these "recovery" programs. Recovery is supposed to build your self-esteem, not erode it further by false accusations.

I agree the financial aspect of this program is simply crushing. I worked in an ER before my DUI and now I'm a Community Health Nurse (case management). Not only do I dislike working in a cubicle ranch but I only make about 1/2 as much as I used to (no shift differentials and no OT). My super-genius counselor says they won't let me go back to my old job because of the stress involved. The stress in my life right now has to do with facing a possible bankruptcy. I hardly see the therapeutic value of breaking somebody financially. This program is not about making us better in anyway. It's about meek nurses and social workers who are usually ignored finally having a chance to MAKE somebody do what they say