Patients Say the Darnedest Things - WIN $250! Nurses Week Contest 2018

Gavinzmum · May 6, 2018

I have cared for the sweetest 94 year old lady for the last 3 years. She had been declining slowly over the last year and after her 3rd bout of Bilateral pneumonia she was not rebounding like she had in the past. She had dementia but was always pleasantly confused.

One morning my LNA and i went in to get her up. She had been in bed for several days prior and asked to get up. She got her meds, washed and dressed and then LNA brought in breakfast. She looked up at us and stated "why are you here? I though this was being postponed?" We asked her "what is being postponed". She said my funeral, it will be tomorrow".

We were both in shock! Goosebumps erupted over my entire body and i felt like i wanted to vomit. We gently reminded her that no matter when her funeral was, we would make sure she was ready. She chuckled and thanked us.

She passed peacefully the next day.

SouthernLPN85 · May 6, 2018

While trying to collect information from a patient about there sexual contacts (she was there for STD related visit) Explaining to the patient I would need to get her contacts information She looked at me and said " I get my contacts from my eye Dr I don't know what kind they are." Finishing her visit without laughing in her face was the hardest thing I've done!

alynn182 · May 6, 2018

Just last night, patient was a delirious man who had broken his arm in a drunken fall down some stairs. Arm had been fixed and was in a hard cast. He complained that it was too heavy and asked me to cut his arm off. "Just a little bit".. we repositioned his arm and he said "Omg! What a difference! You cut some of it off didn't you?" We chuckled and said just a little bit! He said thank you. Obviously we didn't.

Or the other time my patient started screaming at the top of her lungs, "There's a hamster in my p***y!". It was about 3am in a medical ICU.

jshareen · May 6, 2018

When your 92 year old male patient informs you, "Honey I am hurting in my genitial area and I am hurting. I need you to milk me, so I can get some relief."

3bsandoval · May 6, 2018

I had a confused pt with one BKA that came from a nursing home and would say some of the wildest things when she would wake up from resting.

"C______'s got the PCP are you going to pick it up?" I said "No ma'am, you are in the hospital and we need to make sure you get better. It's 4am." She said "Just throw my damn wheelchair in the trunk and lets ride out"

I tried my hardest not to laugh and she grabbed the chord to the light and looked at me and said you "you think I'm playing with you, I'll hop over there and put my one good foot up your a**"

She kept me on my toes that's for sure. Another night she asked me why I let her neighbors dog loose and when I told her that I wasn't sure what she was talking about she said "yes you do, I won't tell... I hated him too"

vwalker64 · May 6, 2018

My cat hurts (referring to her lady partsl/ perineal area).

Djswife · May 6, 2018

Years ago I had a 105 year old man tell me he wanted a "pee-can". I was young and stupid. I asked if he meant a pecan. He says "no, a pee-can, pee-can. I gotta pee!" He wanted a urinal.

Bmarocco89 · May 6, 2018

I had to float to another department and when I was done I had to check in with my department before going home. They asked me to stick around and if this drunk patient we were getting was going to be cooperative. Nope he kept getting out of bed, taking his monitors off to the point where I had to stay with him to keep him from being an idiot. He kept slurring I have to piss so he thrashed his way out of bed. Obviously very unsteady I come to make sure he doesn't fall and he goes. Waves his finger at me saying "No no no, no peeking haha" by this time I was so annoyed I couldn't bite my tongue anymore and said dude not interested!

MRMount · May 6, 2018

Pt seen in ED for abnormal abdominal pain. He states thst he fell on the shampoo bottle while taking a shower thats why he has the whole bottle stuck in his rectum, causing pain in the entire lower abdomen. Then taken to OR for removal.

PPediRN · May 6, 2018

Patient: I like your scrubs.

Nurse: Thank you.

Patient: They look good on you.

Nurse: Thank you.

Patient: And you fill them out in all the right places.

:woot:

sopranojunky · May 6, 2018

Working LTC per diem, there was a resident who said unusual things at times to other residents and staff. It was a full moon of course and the phone rang, the CNA called me to the phone said it was the 911 dispatcher. It was a crazy busy evening already, upon answering the dispatcher asked if someone was able to take "Mary" to the restroom as she had used her phone to call 912 stating that the help was not answering her call light fast enough to take her to the bathroom! ðŸ™„

Sternigp · May 6, 2018

Had a creepy dementia patient once who would tell us what we was happening, and it's not what you're expecting.

I.e. pt: "What are you doing?"

CNA: "I'm helping you get ready for bed"

Pt: "No, you are bleeding!"

CNA: "I'm sorry, but I'm not finding anything"

Pt: "You are bleeding all over me!"

CNA still unable to find blood anywhere continues on helping pt. CNA goes to the bathroom an hour later and discovers she's just started her period.

Another example:

Pt: "He's in bed with that tramp again!"

Nurse: "Excuse me?"

Pt: "He's sleeping with that tramp again! F**king ****!"

Nurse gives pt space and time to calm down before reattempting meds. Next day nurse comes to work, news is; the nurses husband was cheating on her with nurses friend.

Patient kept doing it all the time, really creepy.