Passive aggression, bullying, or just trying to help?

[insa]

I'm struggling to relate to a colleague in my unit. I'm six months off orientation in the OR - because it's OR, we have to partner closely with another nurse or OR tech in the room each day.

I have a nurse colleague who seems to be universally liked, caring, and very, very good at the work. And every time I work with her, I get immensely stressed.

On the surface, our relationship is fine. Every time we work together, however, I encounter a constant stream of corrections. Yes, I still make mistakes - of course I do. Many more than she does. But every mistake seems magnified, every task I choose to do next is the wrong prioritization.

While I was on orientation (and remember, OR orientation tends to be longer than on other units), I despaired because every partner I worked with seemed to do this to me all the time. Eventually another man on the unit took me aside and told me, You're doing fine - remember some people will have an interest in making you continue to seem incompetent to build themselves up. This was enormously helpful. Now, the combination of practice, my slightly increasing competence, an increase in confidence, and lots more practice, have got me to the point where I can function OK. I enjoy most days.

When I work with this one person, can be like the worst days of orientation all over again.

So: is this overwhelmingly respected and beloved co-worker picking on me? Is she just trying to help in a way that adds to my stress enormously? It only happens with one person. I really want to believe that she just wants to help - she has no need to "build herself up" in the unit. Everybody but everybody thinks she's terrific. But this only happens with this one coworker.

It really only just crossed my mind that perhaps this is a male/female thing. I'm still optimistic that perhaps it'll get better as I get better at doing the work - I'm still very, very new at this. Guys: do you have any experiences or perspectives that can help?

[nurse2033, MSN, RN]

It sounds like your coworker is judging your performance against her own, high standards. It is sometimes difficult for an expert to bite their tongue when they see things that are not just perfect. Also consider the personality type that works in the OR. I have worked ICU and many nurses there are detail oriented, anal retentive, control freaks. (I say that with affection.) Many of those qualities are good in these types of settings but can be a bit rough on the coworkers. That said, you want to make sure that you are not being sloppy and creating any safety hazards. If it this big a problem, I would take this person aside and point out that they are micromanaging you and it is keeping you from developing your own mojo. I would say you want any input that points to a safety hazard but you need to find your own way of doing things, within the standards of the unit. Good luck.

[L8RRN]

Remember that you went to school to be a nurse...not a circulator. In nursing school, we do not learn a specialty like OR nursing. While those that went to scrub tech school or have worked a long time in the OR are familiar with the supplies, instruments and equipment, the new nurses have to learn all that on the job and there is so much to learn. Each surgeon has different preferences, each surgery has different needs. Some people tend to forget what it is like to be new. No real advice for you. I just wanted to point out how different the OR is from a lot of other aspects in nursing and let you know you aren't alone. Good luck!!

[tyvin, BSN, RN]

"Just trying to help"...stop being paranoid. Or here's a real thought...why not talk to her about your concerns.

[GitanoRN, BSN, MSN, RN]

unquestionably, i agree with all posted answers given, in addition, i would reinstate what a staff member told you with hopes that will be embedded in your brain and so it goes.... quote "remember some people will have an interest in making you continue to seem incompetent to build themselves up" wishing you the very best always in all of your future endeavors....aloha~

[insa]

Well, I'm off for Memorial Day but with all this good advice and perspective, I'm already looking forward to going back to work! Thanks so much to all who posted - I am very grateful.

[GitanoRN, BSN, MSN, RN]

wishing you are enjoying this memorial day along with your loved ones. in addition, i wanted to add a quote that a wise person said and if feels so adequate at this time "no one can make you feel inferior without your permission" eleanor roosevelt

[wkc54]

after 23 years in OR, and having trained dozens of RNs, CSTs, and other personnel...it seems that you begin to become competent to be left on your own (and able to cover call) at about a year, or so...my opinion...i have been an RN, BSN, for over 30 years....

[PennyWise]

Remember that you went to school to be a nurse...not a circulator. In nursing school, we do not learn a specialty like OR nursing. While those that went to scrub tech school or have worked a long time in the OR are familiar with the supplies, instruments and equipment, the new nurses have to learn all that on the job and there is so much to learn. Each surgeon has different preferences, each surgery has different needs. Some people tend to forget what it is like to be new. No real advice for you. I just wanted to point out how different the OR is from a lot of other aspects in nursing and let you know you aren't alone. Good luck!!

Glad you mentioned this, I am planning on going to the OR as soon as I have my BSN this December.

Sorry, not trying to hijack the thread.

Anyway, I from time to time have issues taking advice/criticism. Its just my nature, and it makes me come off as a know-it-all. That couldn't be farther from the truth though. Im very hard on myself, and when someone corrects me, I feel as though I've burdened them somehow. First thing that goes through my head is "I should be doing better than this". This happens regardless of the motives of the person correcting me and will happen whether the criticism is just or not. The end result is I get tense and defensive.

The technique I've learned to use for responding to being corrected is to have a practiced, staple, professional response to it. It becomes habit after awhile and it will just flow from your lips to their ears without any consideration for whether they are right or well meaning. Later on, and sometimes right there on the spot, I decide whether to take the advice or not. If someone is being aggressive with their critiques and distracting me, I verge off the road from my usual response and tell them so. I let them know I'd like to focus right now and we can discuss "tweeks" later. At this point, you've set them up to be the bad guy if they continue.

Not that I think you are being defensive, but this is how I deal with it.

We all float down here.