Redneck Humour

  1. Dear Ma & Pa:

    Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

    Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed, pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

    Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food. But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.

    It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches,which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. Is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother
    you none.

    This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to
    hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.

    Your loving daughter,
    Sue Ellen
  2. Visit gwenith profile page

    About gwenith

    Joined: Jul '02; Posts: 10,261; Likes: 233
    icu nurse


  3. by   nurse2002
    :roll :roll
  4. by   petiteflower

    I love it
  5. by   nurse-in-boots
    That is cute!
  6. by   yannadey
    funny:chuckle :chuckle :roll :roll
  7. by   gwenith
    1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

    2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

    3. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

    4. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.

    5. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

    6. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

    7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

    8. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

    9. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

    10. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

    11. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

    12. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

    13. You have used a rag for a gas cap.

    14. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

    15. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

    16. You can spit without opening your mouth.

    17. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

    18. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

    19. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

    20. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

    21. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

    22. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

    23. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

    24. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.

    25. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

    26. You've asked the preacher, "How's it hangin'?

    27. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
  8. by   jnette
    Toooooooooo funny !!! And, boy, could I add to that list ! I live smackdab in the middle of it ! I nearly fell on the floor about the salad bowl set ! And WMart being the biggest city they've ever been to !
  9. by   mri4plsn
    absolutely hilarous just what i needed to lift my spirits since technically i am a redneck and have done many of those things ha ha
  10. by   gwenith
    i found more!

    you're a redneck if :

    you think a stock tip is advice about groomin your hogs

    "he needed killin" is a valid defense

    you have an "elvis" jello mould

    your wife owns a home made fur coat

    you and your dog use the same tree

    you vacuum your bed rather than change the sheet

    your dog and your wallet are both on chains

    a "say no to crack" sign reminds you to pull up your pants

    your pc keyboard only goes up to #6

    your wife keeps a spit cup on the ironing board

    you like "mater samiches"

    bondo is the primary color of your car

    your diploma says, "from the trucking institute"

    you think dom perignon is a mafia leader

    you've been too drunk to fish

    your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of kfc and a six pack

    you say, "it's so dry, the trees are bribin the dogs"

    you got your wifes phone # from a wall in a bars restroom

    you borrowed dads tractor for your first date

    e-i-e-i-o is how you spell farm

    on your job application, under "sex", you put "as often as

    you can tell your age by the number of rings in your batbtub

    you use a weedwacker in your living room

    your beer can collection is considred a tourist attraction in
    your town

    going to the bathroom at night requires shoes and a flashight

    your patio set doubles for your parlor set

    you painted your car with house paint

    your junior prom had a daycare center

    you think genitalia is an italian airline

    you have more buckles than pants

    you have more than 6 cousins named bubba

    you carried a fishin pole into sea world

    one of your kids was born on a pool table

    you think safe sex is a padded headboard

    you take more garbage out of the dump than you brought

    your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does

    you think a quarter horse is a ride outside of wal mart

    your coffee table used to be a cable spool

    your stereo speakers used to belong to the drive in

    your halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife

    the blue book value of your car depends on how much gas is in it

    your dad walks you to school cause you're both in the same grade

    you think duel air bags refers to your wife and your

    your brother-in-law is your uncle and your grandfather

    you fall off the floor laughing at the above
  11. by   tris
    :roll ----sad to say I am probably related to some!!!!
    Cute though.
  12. by   lgoins
    Thanks so much!! they are great!. I'm sure I met Sue Ellen once..
  13. by   FROGGYLEGS
    Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

    You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

    Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

    You were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45's.

    You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl'.

    The people on Jerry Springer's show remind you of your neighbors.

    You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

    You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.

    Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.

    You think there's nothin wrong with incest as long as you keep it in the family.

    You can get dog hair from out of your belly button.

    You think the three primary colors are John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray.

    Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.

    You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

    You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

    Your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin'.

    You believe that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

    You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

    You keep empty beer cans in your fridge for your friends that don't drink.

    You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

    The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

    You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.

    You buy your jewelry at the hardware store.
  14. by   funnygirl_rn
    Too funnnnny!

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