Post your jokes here...

Tilleycs · May 1, 2003

And another...

Tilleycs · May 1, 2003

A customer was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket counter -- yelling and using foul language. However, the agent was polite, pleasant and smiled while the customer continued to abuse her.

When the man finally left, the next person in line said to the agent, "Does that happen often? I can't believe how nice you were to him."

The agent smiled and said, "No problem, I took care of it. He's going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok."

gwenith, BSN, RN · May 1, 2003

warning! the following joke conatins a bad pun!

it was visitor's day at the lunatic asylum. all the inmates were standing in thecourtyard singing "ave maria", and singing it beautifully. oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

a visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the choir. "i am a retired choir director," he said. "this is one of the best choirs i have ever heard."

"yes, i'm very proud of them," said the conductor.

"you should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"

"surely that's obvious," replied the conductor.

"they are the moron tapanapple choir. "

ThirdWorldGirl · May 2, 2003

Three little pigs go out to eat, the waiter comes to the table and asks what they would like to drink.... first pig says "Coke", second pig says "iced tea", third pig says "water, lots of water, water".

Waiter comes back to take their orders.... first pig "cheeseburger", second pig "chicken fried steak", third pig "water, lots of water, water".

Waiter comes back to see if they want dessert.... first pig "apple pie", second pig "chocolate cake", third pig "water, lots of water, water".

Waiter says "I'm just wondering why your friends are having a meal and all you're having is water?"

Pig replies "Well somebody has to go wee wee wee all the way home"!

gwenith, BSN, RN · May 2, 2003

Mudcrab and Sandcrab were best of friends and spent most of thier time playing together but Sandcrab was a naughty little crab and used to get poor old mudcrab into lots and lots of trouble. When they died mudcrab went to heaven and sandcrab being a naughty crab went to hell. Poor mudcrab was sad without his friend and nothing, not even harp practice cold make him happy. St Peter saw how sad mubcrab was and said.

"Mudcrab we know you are sad so for this one night you can go down to Hell and see sandcrab but you must take your harp with you as it is your passport back into heaven."

Mudcrab was delighted and immediatley left for Hell. When he arrived he found that Sandcrab was the owner of a Disco! He had a great time with Sandcrab that night and the next morning he arrived back at the pearly gates he was so tired he could hardly stand. St Peter looked worried and said

"Mudcrab where is your harp! I can't let you back in without it!'

get ready

you'll groan

"Oh No!" replied Mudcrab " I left my harp in Sandcrab disco!"

Tilleycs · May 2, 2003

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaims. "Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in and they say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?" One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "PUT THE BIBLES AWAY, LADS! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!"

Tilleycs · May 5, 2003

In dire need of a beauty make-over, Nancy went to her salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous haired model.

She showed the stylist the trendy new cut she wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on her thin, graying hair.

Nancy was delighted by his cheerful attitude until she recognized the melody.

It was the theme from "Mission Impossible."

Tilleycs · May 5, 2003

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for five reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. Third, lawyers multiply faster in numbers, Fourth, animal rights groups will not object to their torture. And fifth, there are some things even a rat won't do.

There is a drawback however; sometimes it's very hard to extrapolate the test results to human beings!"

Chttynurs · May 5, 2003

I subscribe to a medical top ten list, here's one of the lists.....pretty cute!

The Top 7 Mistakes New Doctors Make

7> Billing insurance companies for the actual amount owed.

6> "Nurse, this patient has a UTI and has blood in his sample --

get me a tourniquet, quick!"

5> Make sure you actually get into a vein when you draw blood. An

empty tube doesn't mean extreme anemia.

4> "Turn your head and sneeze."

3> Every time a code blue goes south, he looks at the crash team and

says the same damn thing: "He's... dead, Jim!"

2> Constantly swollen and bandaged thumb is indicator she can't

quite remember correct way to hold a syringe.

and the Number 1 Mistake New Doctors Make...

1> In the middle of an operation, he keeps checking to make sure

your nose isn't lighting up and buzzing when he touches

something he shouldn't.

:)

Chttynurs · May 5, 2003

Here's another one....

The Top 6 Signs Your HMO Is Losing Money

6> They suggest the cost of the hospital's urinalysis lab could

be defrayed by pay toilets.

5> No more defibrillator, now they just stick your finger in a

light socket.

4> You're billed extra for optional treatment items, like clean

needles and sterilized thermometers.

3> Currently sending you to the nearest airport for X-ray work.

2> Anesthesiologist enters the OR with a large wooden mallet.

and the Number 1 Sign Your HMO is Losing Money...

1> Proctologists double as muppeteers on the side.

Tilleycs · May 6, 2003

There is a knock on St. Peter's door. He looks out and a man is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears.

A short time later there's another knock. St. Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man disappears once again.

A few minutes later, another knock. Once again St. Peter opens the door and sees the same man.

"Hey, are you playing games with me?" St. Peter calls after him.

"No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously. "They're trying to resuscitate me."

Tilleycs · May 8, 2003

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good," chuckled the veteran, "especially since this is a bus stop."