Funny things that pts say

EastBayCAStudent · Aug 2, 2009

In my CNA clinicals at LTC I had one grumpy patient who would yell and scream and make grumpy faces. I gave in to curiosity and went in to talk to her, half afraid she would try to hit me. She told me I have nice teeth.

Another patient's wife was concerned about his "cathenator". I corrected her a few times but in the end I thought that was a nice way to make a cath sound cooler than it is.

deleern · Aug 2, 2009

my hearts good it has a distributor.(pace maker)

I think I should wait till after my appointment to take my Latex today

Lari45 · Aug 4, 2009

Had a very nervous patient the other day getting ready to be taken the following morning to another hospital for a cardiac cath. His nurse approached me and started talking about how he didn't seem to understand why he had to have the cath done, so I offered to go give him some education because she looked so busy. She told me that he was VERY nervous and unable to settle down for the evening, so she'd given him a dose of xanax.

I printed some handouts and went in the room, all set to give him the rather standard education for the cath. I started out by handing him the handouts and then I started to say that the procedure involved "inserting a catheter into your groin area". He didn't let me get very far before he blurted out his fears. He said "I don't want them to put a tube or anything in my member or anything down there. I'd really like to leave with my family jewels intact, you see..."

I had to keep my face neutral because he was totally serious. Apparently, everyone had been telling him that we were going to insert a catheter into his groin. He didn't understand that what we meant by catheter WASN'T a foley and what we meant by groin WASN'T via his family jewels. The poor guy thought we were going to cut into his member or testicles and insert a catheter to his heart... After I provided all the required education, he appeared much calmer and thanked me for telling him that he'd get to leave the cath lab with his "boys" intact, apparently his misperception had been the source of all his anxiety.

It sure shows that a little knowledge can be dangerous... and adequate education can save the day! :yeah:

Elvish, BSN, DNP, RN, NP · Aug 4, 2009

I admitted a patient the other night (postpartum floor) who'd just had her 3rd baby. The L/D nurse gave me a heads-up that she used fairly colorful speech, which, between the Marines and nurses in my family, is not really a big deal to me at this point. Anyway, I warned her just before I felt her fundus..."I'll try to be gentle, but I've got to feel your uterus to make sure it's where it's supposed to be right now."

Her response: "Yeah, I know. That joker's probably pretty damn ****** off with me right now..."

I couldn't help it - I laughed out loud and told her that I'd heard a lot of expressions (see above - nurses and Marines in my family) but a ****** off uterus is a new one.

siouxsieyq, BSN, LPN, RN · Aug 7, 2009

I work in a LTC facility and we had just recieved a new admitt. In the middle of his body assessment he asked a cna and i if we gave blow j*bs, the cna replied they don't pay me enough honey...lol

lol... I had a (very confused dementia) patient on shift yelling for me to "rub lotion on my member, Rub it, rub it good" I told him I would put the lotion in his hands and he could rub it all he wants. He responded with it was my job to do it and if I wouldn't, then he would talk to my supervisor... Laughing, I told him hand j*bs were not part of my job description, to which he responded " you nurses aren't like the one's in the movies" OMG!!!!!!

pca_85 · Aug 12, 2009

I was in a room one time with a patient and a nurse who were both in their 60's. The patient motioned for the nurse to come closer, then calmly says: "Know what the difference is between you and me? I have aged like a fine wine, you have aged like milk."

nurse ladybug · Aug 12, 2009

Sometimes sweet innocence can make your whole day......
I once had a pt who had really bad gas as I was helping her into the tub and she stated to me "no need to turn on the jets today honey, cause I'm self propelled!":rotfl:
I once had a pt ask me what time her "autopsy was scheduled for that day", I smiled and said "your BIOPSY will be later today".
I once had a little old lady ask me if I liked my job because I got to look at naked men all day.... :imbar
Just the other day I had an 84 year old lady ask me if I knew if her amniocentesis was scheduled for today or tomorrow. What she was asking about was her thoracentesis..

I used to work in a LTC facility and we had a really bad hail storm. Golf ball size hail was coming down and one of my dementia residents was standing in front of the glass door. I told her to get away from the door and she looked at me and asked why, I told her because it was hailing. It was so funny, she looked at me and made the funniest face and replied " Helen, well invite her in I havent saw her in years!" I couldn't stop laughing it was so cute, how do you try to explain that? lol! :yeah:

Aaron86 · Aug 18, 2009

Working in the ER last summer, there was a patient being typed and screened for a blood transfusion. As the lab guy walked out of the room with his blood the patient waved me over urgently.

"Make sure I get man blood! I don't want to grow b1tch tits!"

teeniebert, LPN · Aug 18, 2009

Working in the ER last summer, there was a patient being typed and screened for a blood transfusion. As the lab guy walked out of the room with his blood the patient waved me over urgently.
"Make sure I get man blood! I don't want to grow b1tch tits!"

:smackingf

miki8483 · Aug 29, 2009

One morning I had to remove vag packing from a hysterectomy pt. In my attempt to make light of a situation I was explaining the procedure as if it's like a magician pulling hankerchiefs out of his hat; we never know when it's going to end. And the patient said "as long as you don't pull out the white rabbit!" OMG I about died from laughter. :lol2:

rachelgp · Aug 30, 2009

I was working in the ER and had a guy in his late 60's who had dislocated his hip. We had medicated him with Valium and he was in less pain, but a little "tipsy." Before leaving the room, I attached the call bell to his rail and told him how to use it. Then I asked, "Do you know how to call me if you need me?" He gave me a drunk little smile and said, "Angel....!" I had to laugh a little at that one, but I did manage to remind him of my actual name and demonstrate the call bell to him again! How cute!

fulzgold · Sep 1, 2009

Had a 70 something female admitted to our LTC for therapy after hip replacement. During my admission assessment, she says " Honey, I haven't pooped in 5 days, I'm gonna bust". So after she swallows the dynomite, I tell her it will work fairly soon. She says " But how will I know when I have to poop?" I returned with, "Did you know 5 days ago?" Her family about died laughing.