From: Santa Claus
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will
no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South
Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North AmericanFairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the
new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so
keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side
of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys
to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus.
He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:"These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an
RC-cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't
smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead
of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one
time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott
5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to
hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and
It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area.
Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit
IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars
crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the
wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents
under the tree.