A cute joke...Now add yours!! - page 3
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, > "Father, I have a problem. I > have two female parrots, but they only know how to > say one thing." "What do > they say?" the priest inquired. "They... Read More
Feb 17, '03Three men, one German, one Japanese and a hillbilly were sitting
> > > sauna.
> > >
> > > Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
> > >
> > > The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others
> > > him questioningly. "That was my pager, "he said, "I have a micro chip
> > > under the skin of my arm."
> > >
> > > A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm
> > > his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I
> > > micro chip in my hand."
> > >
> > > The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he
> > > had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna
> > > went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper
> > > his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The
> > > hillbilly finally said... "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a
Feb 19, '03FISHING
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she also thinks.
Feb 21, '03Thanks Sheena. I'll add more when I get them. My brother-in-law sends me this stuff. Cracks me up.
Feb 28, '03CHAUVINIST
Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though
they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house.
Housework was woman's work!
But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the
children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another
in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was
astonished; something's up.
It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives
who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too
tired to have sex.
The night went well and the next day she told her office friends
all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He
helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry
and put everything away.I really enjoyed the evening."
"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"
Feb 28, '03This is very sad, but thought you would be interested:
What with all of the sickness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person,which went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote, "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at 83. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in..... and then the trouble started.
Feb 28, '03A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
> > He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just
> > did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to
> > with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
> > She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
> > After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed
> > arms and opened his mouth.
> > "No, I'm sorry", the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an
> > oral thermometer."
> > This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over
> > bared his behind.
> > After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,
> > have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
> > She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his
> > breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.
> > After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going
> > here?" asked the doctor.
> > Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen
> > someone having their temperature taken?"
> > After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."
Feb 28, '03He said, "Why don`t you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said, "I would but you`re never there."
He said, "Let`s go out and have some fun tonight."
She said, "O.K., but if you get home before me leave the light on.":roll
Feb 28, '03A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white patriarchal society.
In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.
"In fact, there's no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
Mar 10, '03Two little boys standing on the street corner and a little girl walks by.
1st little boy,"Boy, her necks dirty."
2nd little boy,"Her does?"
Mar 10, '03woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at
work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and
hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also
comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that
the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove,
let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to
take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again".
Mar 11, '03>
> A cowboy walks into a bar in Oklahoma, orders three mugs of
> brew and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
> When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
> The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a mug goes
> Flat after I draw it so it would taste better if you bought just one at a
> The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
> Australia, the other is in Dublin and I'm in Oklahoma . When we all
> left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the
> days we were together. So I drink one for each of my brothers
> and one for myself."
> The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
> The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
> He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
> One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs! All the regulars take
> notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second
> round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I
> wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
> The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he
> laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains......."It's just that
> my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and obviously I had to quit
> drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though." :chuckle