Need help dealing with the emotional aspect of nursing

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About a month ago, I was caring for a fun, bright 7 year old little girl with brain cancer during my pediatric rotation. It was kind of slow that day, so I spent the afternoon in her room playing games with her. I felt like we really connected and I fell in love with her. I knew she was really sick, but she didn't act like it. She was so happy and spunky. Well, this semester, I'm on a pediatric oncology unit and she was there yesterday. The cancer has completely taken over her. She can't talk, can hardly make eye contact, can't move her body with the exception of lifting her hands, and she's having seizures. Her mother finally agreed to hospice care, because there is nothing more that can be done. The cancer is inoperable and the chemo isn't working.

After I found out she was on the floor, I paid her a visit. I talked to her for a little bit (without response). And when I left her room, I stepped into the nurse's break room and lost it. I cried my eyes out. The nurses and my instructor were very nice about it, telling me that it's okay to cry. I felt a little silly, but at the same time, I wasn't crying because I had a bad day or was pms-ing. I was crying because a 7 year old child is dying. Anyway, after I got home, I cried some more. I can't stop thinking about her. I feel like I'm having a little trouble dealing with this. Not only is this my first patient that I've seen progress to this point, but it happens to be a child.

I don't doubt for a second that I want to be a nurse, but this is the aspect of nursing that I didn't really think about. I knew people would die, but I guess I just didn't think it would affect me like it has. I think it would be completely different if it was an 85 year old dying from a brain tumor. At least then I'd know that they lived a full life.

Has anyone gone through this with a patient? How do you deal with it? Does it get any easier?

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Specializes in Nephrology, Cardiology, ER, ICU.

This is the hard part of nursing. I think most of us agree that peds hospice is rough. Kids aren't supposed to die.

That said, you need to give yourself some time to grieve.

Then you pick yourself up, realize that in order to help, you have to somewhat separate yourself from the tragedy in order to render care.

It does become a little easier to cope with the emotional side of nursing as you get some experience.

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I am sorry for what you are going through and I do not look forward to it. One of our Peds clincal sites is a pediatric hospice. That is gonna be rough!

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Thanks for the comments. I'm feeling much better than I was last night. I realized that I really was grieving. Instead of thinking how sad it is, I'm focusing on how I got to know her as a patient before the cancer changed her and that my life is a little better because she made me smile for the afternoon that I cared for her.

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Specializes in N/A.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. There is nothing wrong with any of your feelings. Allow yourself to feel it. I'm not a nurse yet and I know this will be a major hurdle for me... how to separate myself from the tragedy. My 18 year old neighbor passed in January from brain cancer. It was difficult to watch him go through this.

Focus on how you got to know her a bit and what a bright spot she was in your life... however short that time. And know that you also brought happiness to her. {{hugs}}

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