61 Posts
Man... I watched someone die of an OD in the ER during my preceptorship. Right before it happened he was just swaying help me help me why won't you help me... And then everything just fell apart and I cried in a storage room for 20 minutes and thought about it another 2 weeks. I couldnt sleep without seeing his sad jaundice eyes... My point is, we're human and it is immensely sad. I blamed myself for this man coding and ultimately dying for a number of reasons, reasons that I won't mention and that don't really matter in the long haul....but just like you, little details that I make myself go over and over again in my head...
I was told something the second time my patient coded, this time on the tele floor I work on as a new grad... I was told, all you can do is your best.
I think it's really beautiful that sometimes we are the last interaction a patient has.. It's all a matter of perception. Try not to beat yourself up about the little details.
You are a good nurse.
4,267 Posts
9,051 Posts
One of the most valuable courses in my undergrad program was called "values clarification". It was intended to make each of us reflect on and clarify our own personal value system and underlying beliefs. As part of that experience, although I am not a religious person I realized that I really did believe in a 'higher power'. This helped me come to terms with the fact that there are many circumstances that are just waaaay beyond the scope or authority of anything we can do. And that is the way it is supposed to be. The universe is unfloding as it should.
My clinical practice has been in critical care - where codes and hand-to-hand combat with the Grim Reaper are a daily occurrence. It's always sad when a life ends, even when it means the end of suffering. But it's much easier to accept when you can see it as the inevitable end of a continuum and realize that it's not about you.
There is an inescapable burden of cumulative emotional trauma that is associated with patient care. Failure to recognize and cope with it can lead to a lot of negative outcomes, including self-medication and burnout. I am fortunate to work in a faith-based organization, where we have processes in place to recognize and support the emotional needs of clinicians. Our chaplains help staff to cope with potentially traumatic events such as codes. Is this a potential resource for you?
Don't let anyone put you down for your natural & entirely appropriate emotional reactions. With time and experience, you will gain a bigger perspective that will strengthen your coping skills ... but never lose or distance yourself from your own human empathy.
3,364 Posts
tcvnurse, BSN, RN
249 Posts
The first one is always hard. Probably did throw a clot before the MI. I hear what you're saying, that you're afraid something like this will happen again.
It will.
It doesn't get easier exactly, every time someone crashes it is kind of scary. But you learn to handle these things.
I am glad he had a good nurse to watch out for him.