Warning: Long post! So yesterday for clinical, our instructor paired each of us up. I had practiced the head-to-toe assessment at home because my first one I did very poorly and I was going through the steps in my head the night before clinical. I was prepared to do it myself, but the girl I was paired with was taking over a lot of the tasks. She is wonderful and not bossy, but she definitely has more of a take-charge personality and I am less assertive; so things I wanted to do, she already started and I just rolled with it. For instance, I wanted to do some vitals, but she already either did it when I wasn't watching (like maybe when I ran to get equipment) or started it already when I was in the room, so I tried to be a team player and write down the values, cause at least that's doing something right? We worked a little bit with the nurse assigned to that patient and she was helping us make an occupied bed since our patient was incontinent. I was trying to throw in my weight wherever I could, I was grabbing the soiled linen and throwing it into the hamper because obviously it shouldn't be on the floor, bed or chair right? But I sensed slight annoyance from the nurse cause I had my back turned for a second when I was putting linens in the hamper, but I was really fast and turned back to assist them in helping to move the patient. I kind of just shrugged it off, because maybe I was just imagining it. Now, I can be a bit ditzy; it's something I need to work on! I get my lefts and rights mixed up or sometimes I'm not following directions properly or standing in the wrong spot; I wasn't paying attention and was standing on the wrong side of the bed to help move the patient, but was quickly told to come over to the other side... It was one of those "Oh, duh, I meant that!" moments, so I quickly went to assist. I really did try to work hard, observing when people needed a hand and jumping in, but apparently it was not enough.... I received this email from my instructor last night: The nurse taking care of your patient today commented that you did not actively participate in caring for the patient, but seemed content to stand back and let the other student take the lead. I noticed the same behavior last week. Being a student nurse is not observational. You must participate. We are beyond sitting down and talking to patients at this point. You seem very hesitant to care for patients. While your grades are quite good, you must apply what you are learning in the classroom and lab to the clinical area. We need for our graduates to be competent in all areas. I hope to see improvement in our remaining weeks. I was just beside myself...I had a very long school week, barely getting any sleep and working really hard to do well on the quiz, pass my skill test, and be competent and thorough in my clinical. So I was just stunned; I went from feeling awesome, to down in the dirt. I thought I really threw in my weight and to have not only my instructor, but also the nurse say that was devastating for me... It's really hard being the quiet person, because the one that talks the most or takes over tasks the fastest gets noticed for good work, and I'm left looking like a failure. A little background on what my instructor was referring to when she said she saw me not wanting to participate last week as well: I again, was paired with another take-charge student. We were doing meds and I again, was trying to share the workload. We both had to take a sheet of the list of drugs to look up in our drug guide and find what it was used to treat. So we worked on that, and when I got finished with mine, I jumped in to help with hers. We both took turns doing our three checks. It was definitely a new experience for me; I had never given meds to a patient before. I passed my skill test for it the day before, but that was different and old-fashioned compared to what it was like in real life. I learned to input everything on the computer and scan and for me typically, I usually am pretty bad at something the first time I'm doing it, but after a bit of practice, I can be highly proficient. I was not very proficient my first time around, the other girl was taking over a lot and she already knows a lot of the ins and outs of the hospital, I have a tendency to feel a bit lost and confused when I'm new, and my instructor would remind me to take a turn doing something. I guess that's mainly where she thought I didn't want to participate. I get confused about who's doing what and when we're going to switch tasks...so ok, my bad for not being as with it, but honestly, I feel like it was so unfair to be called out like I did in that email. She didn't even specify what it was exactly I was doing wrong, which left me wondering, "Was it this?", "Was it that time?" The only time she ever spent with me on the floor was during the meds last week, and for a little bit of time yesterday in assisting with something. She isn't there for most of it and was going off of what that nurse was telling her, which again, the nurse wasn't with us the whole time we were with the patient aither. I feel so horrible. Feel free to give advice on what I should be doing! I know how to be a team player, and I even welcome it, but I also find working alone can be better sometimes so that toes aren't stepped on. There were three people in the room at times, working on the one patient, so uh, sharing tasks can get a little awkward. I already knew going into this program that it wasn't going to be easy, and I already knew my ditzy moments were going to cause some difficulty, and being a quiet, reserved person on top of that = potential disaster. I often go from feeling amazing and confident and looking forward to being a nurse, to suddenly feeling like I hate it and it's not for me, that I'll just be a terrible nurse. Is it normal to feel this way in school? Thank you for taking the time to read my long rant! I am interested in reading your comments.