Mom-guilt Over Schedule

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Ok, just writing this in hopes that I am not the only one. I have three preteen/teenage children whom I have homeschooled for the past 7 years, while picking away at pre-reqs. Well, I got accepted into the nursing program for this fall, and everything is about to change. We are used to a relaxed schedule. Also, the kids are used to being able to do any extra activities they want, since I haven't worked and was available 24/7.

My kids are excited to go to school (which I am thrilled about!), but we are all a little nervous as we know it will be an adjustment. Anyway, the problem comes in with my daughter who, up to this point has been involved with a developmental gymnastic program close to our house. She is now too old/advanced for that, and the only program close enough for her to participate in is still way out of the way and of course, a huge time commitment. I haven't been to orientation yet so I don't know what my clinical day(s) will be yet. But, I'm just imagining the whole thing right now, and it seems like an impossible schedule.

I feel like I am crushing her dreams if I say "no" to the gymnastics. I know how painful it is to give up on a dream, and I don't want to see her go through that. Yet, it would be so much easier if she would participate in sports that are offered by the school. She loves people and activity, and think that once she goes and makes friends, she's going to want to do what her friends are doing. It's just hard for her to see that now.

Anyway, I guess I'm not really needing advice. Just "talking" it through, and wondering if other moms or dads have felt guilt over scheduling conflicts. This is new territory for me!

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Specializes in Med-Surg.

Do you have a family member that could help with taking her if you cant. I have three kids and am worried about them having to cut activities once classes start as well.

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Do you have a family member that could help with taking her if you cant. I have three kids and am worried about them having to cut activities once classes start as well.

Unfortunately, my family is not nearby. I do have a lot of friends, but most of them have kids with complicated activity schedules to coordinate themselves. I know it's just one of those things we all have to balance, but it sure is hard sometimes. School hasn't yet started, and I'm already starting to stress out. I just have to keep reminding myself that it is going to be temporary, and our family will be okay.

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Specializes in Pediatrics.

Hello, and congrats on your acceptance to the nursing program! It sounds like life is going to change for everyone in your household. Even if your kids were already in traditional school, there would be huge adjustments for them. People are under the impression that things get easier when the kids get older (as far as parenting, schedules, etc), but the reality is, it doesn't. Many of them have activities that they are very passionate about (I can relate, as my teen has a similar passion). And unless they are old enough to drive (mine is not), it's on you, dad/partner (if applicable) or other reliable adults.

Having said all this, would it be the end of the world if you had her sit out for the fall? Here's the selling point: you are ALL starting a new educational endeavor, and it will be very difficult to predict what everyone's schedule will be like. She may end up waiting to join something in school, the commute/workload and new structure of traditional school may take time to adjust to. Don't focus so much on you (although the does need to appreciate that your life cannot revolve around her, that this is something you want/need to do), but on her well being during this period of adjustment. I went through this when my daughter started HS (we put all activities on hold until we knew how things panned out with academic, extras in school and commuting- she takes public transportation).

And then there's YOU: as you said, you have no idea what your schedule will be like. Even if you did have it now, you need to account for YOUR extras- study time, commute, and rest. Scheduling doesn't always go the way you want it to. If you're able to register on your own (choose your lecture and clinical sections) you may get closed out of the sites that suit you best. I am On the other end of this, (and have a soft spot for people like you, who are busting their humps to make life better for themselves and their kids) and as much as I'd love to accommodate every mom who has kids/job, or other obligations, it can't be done. Everyone has a story. Your immediate priority for them has to be school/childcare.

Im not saying it all can't be done. It will be difficult. The more organized you are, the better off all will be. Maybe there's a way to modify her gymnastic schedule (less hours) or go on weekends? Or perhaps, work some sort of carpool out with another parent? If you're anything like me, you hate to impose on other parents. But the thing is (and I tell this to my students all the time) you will not be able to do it all. You must rely on others for support, if you want to succeed. Others may argue this. But I've been teaching for over ten years, and I see students who struggle every semester, because they feel like they can't let go of certain responsibilities at home (not cannot, but refuse to, like dinner, clean house, letting other people watch their kids, etc).

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Some programs offer a transport service for students. Is that an option?

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Congratulations on being accepted to nursing school! I think as moms, many of us have guilt over the time we have to be away from our children. I worked full time from when my daughter was born until this year when she turned six and I have been able to work part time. Now I will be going to nursing school in the evening and weekends and I definitely am feeling guilty at leaving my husband and kids all weekend to do my clinicals! But we will be ok and you will too! You've been able to be accessible to them 24/7 and this will be a huge adjustment for everyone. It sounds like you've probably raised some great kids who might be ready for some more independence as the are getting older- it will be good for them to help the family adjust to this new way of life! Think of this as a lesson in maturity, goal setting and working as a family team. Sometimes that also means having to say no to things that we had hoped to do, like the gymnastics team. Since she is athletic, she may find that joining one of the school spots helps her make new friends and feel successful at her new school. I got some advice once that we are not only parenting our kids for today, we are preparing them for tomorrow... and becoming an adult means learning that we can't always do what we want-- this will be a learning experience for everyone! Good luck as you navigate this new lifestyle!

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I'm also a homeschool mom of pre-teens, inching my way towards nursing school! My kids don't want to go to public school though, so we're shifting to computer based school.

I don't think you're forcing her to give up her dream, she's putting it on hold for a little bit - just like you have. Have you asked the developmental gymnastics place if they would offer her private lessons? At least in the mean time to stay sharp on her skills.

I'll have plenty of guilt myself over all of this. Things are going to change and my priorities are going to shift a bit. I'm just going to try to take it one day at a time.

You're doing a good thing - you're showing your kids that education is important, what it looks like to make sacrifices and work hard. You're also teaching them that they aren't the center of the world, which is a good thing, IMO.

You're not a bad mom at all - try to ease your guilt a bit. If you ever need to chat, I'm a message away!

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From a male perspective I can tell you this. When I was a kid my uncle would come to our house and drop off my aunt at 7am every day 6 days a week, go to work and pick her up at 9pm every night. I saw him do that for years, and him doing that left an impression on me that is with me to this day. Years have gone by and he now makes 6 figures and he does not have a college education.

My point being is that kids notice things, and if your kid sees you busting your butt to get something you want she won't be oblivious to it. My step grandson came to live with us for a year, and he saw me waking up at 4am to study and keep up with it until the evening. His first semester he was a C student; but in the spring he made honor roll. My wife and I helped him when we could, but I feel the biggest influence on him to get him to try harder was him seeing me try hard. I impressed on him how important it was to me to get good grades, and my drive to do well rubbed off on him. Don't get me wrong, the credit goes to him that he did well. But seeing someone else who he respects try hard I think got him to try harder.

All people are different, and your daughter may not see you going to school as a positive. It depends on the person. And running the risk of getting yelled at here, girls tend to want more interaction than boys do; or at least that has been my experience with my 2 sisters and 3 step daughters. What she may want is something you can't really give her much of, your time. It may be a little worse for her because she is home schooled and is accustomed to having a lot of your time. I think home schooling is great, but are you going to be able to keep doing that?

At any rate, this may be a good learning experience for her. Life does not always go your way.

BTW, while doing the prereqs my step grandson had to do cell anatomy for his 5th grade science class. He went from getting a D on his first test, to explaining general concepts of the Krebs cycle to his teacher (who had no idea what he was talking about lol). I leaned by teaching him, and now he knows considerably more than the teacher; and lord does he have an ego about it.

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