Mentally ill mother?

rn/writer, RN · Jul 17, 2011

Thanks for being brave enough to share your situation. I feel for you in this tough kind of squeeze.

"Information therapy" is great, as far as it goes. But that's for your head. It doesn't do a whole lot for your heart. For that you need to feel instead of think. Going to a support group is a good way to jog that part of your spirit. Hearing others relate their stories can sometimes give a person a nudge toward opening up because you feel for them what you also feel for yourself.

If your mother is demanding, you may need to take some distance. Will she like or understand that choice? Probably not. But if you are feeling twisted into a pretzel trying to keep her happy, it might be time to set down that responsibility (her happiness is her own job, after all) and unwind.

One of my favorite sayings is, "The only way to win is not to play." What does that mean? It means that you may have to gently (or not so gently, depending on her grip) disengage from this person who wants to keep you enmeshed in the drama of her life.

You don't have to be disrespectful, just sure of yourself and willing to endure accusations that you don't care about her and that you're ungrateful and selfish and only concerned about her when you want something and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

The histrionic/narcissist part of this kind of person kicks up such a fuss when anyone in their circle looks like they might sneak off and have a life. Don't be surprised or interpret that to mean you're doing something wrong. It actually means you're doing something right.

THIS is where a support group comes in handy. You can lean on other people who understand this kind of entanglement to keep you strong. When you feel like caving in, you call a fellow group member and let them cheerlead you on your way to success.

In time, your mother may be able to see that even though you have somehow managed to get out of her clutches you are still there for her in a healthier way. Or she may not. That's up to her. But your health is not contingent on hers.

I'm so glad you wrote about your struggle. If you can work through this, your patients won't even know there's a ripple on your pond.

I wish you the best.

trauma_lama, BSN · Jul 17, 2011

thanks a lot, rn/writer. stupid pesky heart...wish all processing were logical, clinical, black and white. but nooooooooo i just HAVE to have emotions that go along with my comprehension. ugh. off the the support group i will go. i'm terrified that someone will recognize me as my mother's daughter though...my mother is a church employee and some of my contribution to group discussion could be detrimental to her reputation in the community (the support group meets at a church. different denomination, but you know how we're all only 6degrees from kevin bacon...). and then, oh dear LORD, how hell would rain down if she knew i would even think of IMPLYING that she had anything less than completely functional, educated, well rounded, compassionate, healthy traits. do you know if community support groups take anonymity as seriously as, say, HIPAA?

nohika · Jul 17, 2011

I know most support groups like AA, NA, OA, etc, all have a "what comes here, stays here" policy - you're not to say if you recognize someone (except that you've met at the group), you don't associate with each other outside of the meeting unless both parties wish, etc. It's very much "what comes here stays here" - it's not legally binding like HIPAA, but it exists. Everyone only uses first names, etc.

I dunno if it'll be the same for yours, but this is what I've heard/seen.

rn/writer, RN · Jul 17, 2011

If you're really that concerned about being recognized, go to another town a few miles away. It'll be worth the drive for you to feel free to share.

Yeah, the pesky heart stuff. It simply refuses to be reduced to simple instructions and decisions. It insists on being felt.

Another thought--I'm guessing that your mother's mask of perfection may slip now and again. People have a way of taking a peek behind the facade, and more than one of her friends, co-workers or acquaintances may at least suspect that Polly Perfect has a few cracks in her teapot. Surely, you family members aren't the only ones she tries to control and intimidate. She may not be fooling as many people as she--and you--seem to think.

trauma_lama, BSN · Jul 17, 2011

If you're really that concerned about being recognized, go to another town a few miles away. It'll be worth the drive for you to feel free to share.
Yeah, the pesky heart stuff. It simply refuses to be reduced to simple instructions and decisions. It insists on being felt.
Another thought--I'm guessing that your mother's mask of perfection may slip now and again. People have a way of taking a peek behind the facade, and more than one of her friends, co-workers or acquaintances may at least suspect that Polly Perfect has a few cracks in her teapot. Surely, you family members aren't the only ones she tries to control and intimidate. She may not be fooling as many people as she--and you--seem to think.

"cracks in her teapot"- i love that!! :lol2: and how accurate it is. thank you both for your helpful insight and supportive energy :redpinkhe

Whispera, MSN, RN · Jul 17, 2011

I read what you wrote and could have written it myself, years ago. My mom has passed but I lived what you're living. You've gotten some awesome responses! No one who hasn't been in it can fully understand the feelings children of the mentally ill feel, totally. It's beyond belief, isn't it?

I went to support groups at the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI). While the groups were helpful, most of the members had children or spouses with mental illnesses. I was the only one with an ill parent. People were very supportive and confidentiality was complete. The groups were part informational and part sharing. They helped me.

NAMI also offers classes for family members. The classes are taught by other members. They are very imformative and I'd recommend them to anyone in our shoes. I learned things I didn't know from being a psych nurse for 5 years at the time!

My mom had bipolar disorder. If you'd like to talk in private messages, about anything, please send me a message.

My heart goes out to you. I get it. I care. So does everyone here.

Guest717236 · Jul 17, 2011

I like the travel to a town outside of your area idea. Instead of

support group, why not seek some private counseling.

You may be able to find a psychiatric nurse practitioner

or nurse who is also a social worker. It may help support you in private

and may be covered by insurance as it is a stress on you to have

to deal with her behavior.

Good for you for asking for help, counseling will help you set appropriate

limits.....................and without the guilt..