marriage problems in nursing

thalictrum · Mar 24, 2010

You're not.

My biggest problem is that while I haven't even begun nursing school yet, I'm finishing up paramedic school right now (I'm on my field/clinical time, which basically feels like having a Real Job and not being in school anymore, except I've got to turn in paperwork weekly) -- and the relationship issues come from the fact it feels like we never see each other, and if we do, we're both tired. He finishes training in massage therapy in June, and I'm doing this until August, get a week off and ... then it's time to start nursing school!

So I've managed to get him stuck trying to find a job in this area because I'm attending a school that doesn't involve any sort of moving, and that's a stressor. I'm also going to be always busy, always tired and never home for another four years while he's being the sole breadwinner.

I can understand why these are relationship problems, and they're problems we're aware of and sticking through, but -- you're really not alone.

allnurses Guide · Mar 24, 2010

Divorces in nursing school are common. He will have to be flexible. You will have to be sane. You may wish to see a counselor before you start to come up together with a game plan.

KaseyP · Mar 24, 2010

When I began on this whole scholastic journey 2 years ago, I had no idea how much stress and pressure a thing like college could have on my marriage! I was a flight attendant for 12 years, in fact, that's how I met my husband; he was one of my passengers! Everything was great until he convinced me to trade in my wings for a backpack!! I didn't know if I could hack it! I mean, I'm 38 years old, 36 when I started, and although he thanks God for meeting me on that flight, he has always expressed to me that I could do so much more, be so much more! It was hard for me at first, not knowing what to expect, and I made a "C" on my first A&P exam! Needless to say, my husband wasn't very happy and he made me feel horrible for making such a sub-parr grade; I cried my eyes out! I havn't made a "C" on a test since! I maintained a 4.0 grade point average for a long time until I took Micro- made more B's on exams and only 2 "A's"! At first, that wasn't okay with him either, I guess because I set the bar too high to begin with, but I got sick and tired of his "disappointment" in my all "A's", 1 "B" grade history, and so I finally asked him what he made in college!! He stammered and stuttered and finally told me he graduated with "distinction"! I asked him "what kind of distinction?" And he told me he had very few "C's" throughout college! The man has been giving me grief for two years, expecting me to move mountains with my GPA, and he has "C's" on his transcript!! Are you kidding me?!!!!! I have been sooo angry since I found this out! It has driven a wedge between us! All this time, I thought he was this incredibly gifted genius that I couldn't measure up to, when in fact, he couldn't measure up to me!! It's left such a bad taste in my mouth and I'll be the first to acknowledge that I've become somewhat of a B**** because of this!! It's a little different than what several of you are describing on this thread, but our marriage has still suffered because of it! Did I mention he picked my major?!! Oh yes, he did! I'm too far into it to turn back now and I'm going to see it through, but I no longer care what he thinks in regards to my school work. There are no more "we need to sit down and lay out a plan for your next semester" talks; I've told him to stay out of my semester schedules and just continue writting the checks, that's how he can help me!! I love my husband, don't get me wrong, but he made me feel so terrible about myself at the beginning of this scholastic journey and there's a part of me that can't forget the way he treated me, but I do forgive him! I still hate telling him when I have to study for a test, because he wants to know what grade I made right after I take the dang thing, but at least he doesn't make me cry anymore if I make a "B'. I have no issues regarding trusting my husband though and he spends 2-3 weeks away from home per month on business! And I kind of relish the time he's away in a since, because I can just relax and enjoy myself at home without any pressure! And you know what they say.."absence makes the heart grow fonder- I don't know, It just kinda works for us! Bottom line, I have a ways to go before I'm finished and I only just applied to a program, so I pray to God that when I am accepted, we can approach everything with a significant amount of understanding and patience for one another because thus far, it's been a road to hell that just seems to keep on going!

-KaseyP

orchid09 · Mar 24, 2010

I often wonder about this as a Newlywed. I think that if you make enough "together" time outside of school your husband will feel much better.

jnkrek2006 · Mar 25, 2010

Thank you so much. It means a lot to me that I am not the only person having these kind of issues. We know what we want and that we want to provide for our family the way they never did for us .We come from different side of the track. His side all own there own business, nurses, lawyers. My side high school dropouts, Fast food management, trailer park raised. I want to do something that my mom and dad never could. Graduate with a degree. His family all have degrees. However, HE DOS NOT. Is that wrong? I love him all the same and will not leave him. I will better myself and my family anyway I can. Thanks again.

KaseyP · Mar 25, 2010

I think spouses or even potential spouses need to remember the person they fell in love with. Whether you have a degree or not, you're still the same person. Getting a degree by no means defines one's intelligence or personality, it just makes up a very small chapter in a book with many pages. And your husband, he knew you were driven when he met you and persuing an education is an important goal you want to achieve. You can't be faulted for that! Wow! Your situation and mine are like two different sides of the same coin! Oh well, it'll all work out in the end! And nobody ever said marriage was going to be easy; if it was, then everyone would be doing it! :vlin:

chansen · Mar 27, 2010

I feel pretty lucky after reading some of these situations. My wife and I are somewhat established, both as a family and financially. We're both currently IT professionals with degrees, and I am quitting my job to take a part-time STNA job as I begin a traditional track nursing program next week (up to this point, classes have been online with evening or weekend labs as required, so it's been minimal stress).

To put things in some perspective, we have a 2 year old boy and a 2 week old girl at home, so it's an interesting dynamic that we can still be so happy together despite this large change with quitting a job and going back to school. Regardless, she's supportive of my change and has been there to help push me each step of the way.

The amount of resentment or frustration that some of the people in this thread feel, or their spouses feel, seems like an unhealthy basis for the relationship, and nursing school ends up taking too much of the blame. If you're married, you're a team now, and this is a step that deserves talking things over with your team and being supported by your team. It's one thing to expect your spouse to do great things (such as the case of KaseyP) - I think her husband is on the right track by wanting her to succeed with great grades, despite his own - but to put someone to the point of tears over it was either an unintended side effect of going too far or just someone who wants to belittle where they can. The former can be forgiven, the latter needs work.

There have been numerous other threads that I've read on the guys forums here about spouses who are angry because of the area of study choice. They aren't mad about their husband being in school, but being in nursing school means they will be seeing the female body in various stages of undressed in a clinical setting, and that's just too much for their fragile, jealous, mental state.

I can't stress enough how much easier this transition is with a spouse that is supportive. So much so, that it's worth getting your life to that point prior to the leap, if you can. I say "if you can," because waiting for the exact perfect time before you go to school, back to school, swap careers, or gain your first career can have even more disasterous results. No time is the perfect time, just make it the best time you can when you do it! Best of luck to everyone.

Trauma Columnist · Mar 27, 2010

Hubby and I have both been back to school (me several times) during our 30 year marriage. It is stressful, but we have had much worse stress too.

It is just a matter of setting priorities and ensuring that everyone is agreeable that you might not see each other as much as you like but that in the end, your lives will be better.

ChervRN · Mar 27, 2010

hmph...mine has already made a comment "your school work is more important than me"....and I'm not even in nursing school yet!

Yes, I do admit to putting all my focus on school right now, but I am working hard toward this....and nursing school isn't going to be any different!!

can't wait to see how this all plays out for us. :confused: