Lost My First Patient Today

[cakegirl]

So I realize as a nurse this is part of the profession, but this was my first patient that died on my shift. I just needed to talk about it. I was taking care of her all week, she Pulmonary Fibrosis, and stage COPD at the young age of 55 & a DNR. I guess what gets me the most is I had just been in the room with her and resp. therapy right before the change of shift. I was pretty freaked out because when I went in she was cyanotic in her hands and face, my first time witnessing this. R.T. said it was ok she was warm and alert and this tends to happen to her when she first wakes up because she gets so anxious. So I gave her anxiety meds & she recieved her TX and I stayed & held her hand because she gets so scared. Once she was settled I told her I'd be back to check on her before I left. I gave my morning meds, the PCT emptied her foley and she had better output than she'd had in days. I walked to her room last thing before going to give report and she was sitting upright sleeping labored respirations which are her norm. When the next shift was going on rounds to do vitals they found she had passed. This was a time frame of 40 mins. I was so sad. She was going home from the hospital in a few days with Hospice her husband was just waiting for all the equipment to be delivered to their home. I felt like I should have stayed with her longer so she wouldn't have been alone. My co- workers say this is how it is and that people that sick pass in a heartbeat & thank goodness she isn't suffering anymore. I understand that but I feel like I missed something I don't know it happened so fast. Now I have to go back in tonight and I just want to keep it together. Thank you all for listening.

[Sally Lou]

(((hugs)))

[cakegirl]

Thank You so much everyone for your kind words and support. It has really helped. You've sure shown me how all of us nurses have compassion, even towards each other when we need it. It is very much appreciated.

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

death is never easy, but your first one is the worst. ((((hugs)))))

patients seem to choose the time of their death, however. i've seen folks whom you'd swear were comatose and ready to pass in the next 15 minutes hang on for days until that last grandchild gets home from iraq to be with them, and then they pass in 15 minutes. and i've seen people who have family at the beside 24/7 wait until everyone gets up to go to the restroom so that they'll be alone when they pass. i guess it's between them and god.

[studystudy]

I can definitely relate to how you are feeling.

I am still a student, but got very attached to one of my patients last semester because I took care of him for weeks. He was very unstable, up and down, would code while I was on lunch, etc. He ended up dying a couple months ago, and I found out from the obituaries in the paper! Oh my goodness, I was absolutely HEARTBROKEN. I cried nonstop for 3 days, I was devastated. Sometimes when I see something that is similar to his diagnosis and situation, I will still cry unexpectedly. He just had such an impact in my life, and I will never forget his story. :heartbeat :heartbeat

Well, 2 nights ago I had a dream about him out of the blue. It was a totally silent dream, and in my dream I was in awe thinking, 'I thought you were dead??' It wasn't a sad dream, and as we hugged, I could feel his heartbeat. He had many of his fingers amputated during his hospital stay and in my dream I touched his perfect hands that had all 10 fingers. Maybe it was a spiritual dream? The more I think about it, the more I think it may have been. People enter your life for a reason, and he was so special and such a fighter.

I am sorry for your loss. You seem like a great, compassionate nurse, and I am sorry you are feeling down. She was actively dying, and I'm sure you didn't miss anything. :hug: You did more than you can imagine by just being there with her, as busy as nurses get, it's a blessing you had a moment to do that, isn't it? So special. :hug: