Just some funy things,,can be related to medical field :)

[Mommy_of_3_in_AL..RN]

Hello, welcome to Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, and 5.

If you are paranoid, don't do anything. We know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are delusional, press 6 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will reply, and nothing will really ever change anyway.

If you have an Oedipus complex, have your mother press 7.

If you have attention deficit disorder, we can't help you because you have probably already hung up by now.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her fortune...the Wal Mart manager sees her and shuts the horse off.

To Whom It May Concern

I, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of ignorant politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for something chocolate, it should be presumed that I won't do so ever again.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the members of the legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery.

It is my wish that these idiots mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a persistent vegetative state and who nonetheless may be in need of nourishment.

Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for their run for the Presidency in 2008, it is my wish that they play politics with someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace.

I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send emails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me.

I don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and/or crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own damn business, too.

If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell.

After the week i had last week, this is the best medicine..a :yeah:good laugh!

[systoly]

a doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front

step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "i couldn't help

but notice how happy you look! what is your secret?"

"i smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "before i go to bed, i smoke a nice

big joint. apart from that, i drink a whole bottle of jack daniels every

week, and eat only junk food. on weekends, i pop pills, and don't exercise at all."

"that is absolutely amazing! how old are you?"

"thirty-four," she replied.

[blue note]

Involuntary Muscular Contractions

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your *** hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

=================

A married couple went to the hospital have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the baby’s father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.

[getoverit, BSN, RN, EMT-P]

A school teacher told her class she wanted them to each tell something about a family member and then relate it to a common moral.

Billy stands up and says "My dad's a dairy farmer. We milk the cows and every weekend we take the milk to sell at the market. Last weekend we hit a ditch and the milk ran all over the back of the truck. So the moral of the story is don't cry over spilled milk."

The teacher thanks him and then calls on Susie.

"Well, my dad's a chicken farmer and we collect eggs. Each weekend we go to sell them at the market, but last weekend we hit a ditch too and the eggs broke all over the back of the truck. So the moral of the story is don't put all your eggs in one basket."

The teacher is very pleased and little Johnny stands up next. he says,

"I want to tell you about my Uncle Dan. He was a fighter pilot and got shot down on a combat mission. He parachuted out of the plane and landed with a pistol, a knife and his survival kit...which consisted of a bottle of Jack Daniels and a carton of Marlboros. So he commenced to pounding whiskey and chain-smoking out there in the jungle.

It wasn't long before he was surrounded by 100 enemies. He killed 50 of them, but then he ran out of bullets. Then he killed 25 more with his knife until the blade broke. So he had to finish killing the rest of them with his bare hands."

The teacher collects herself, sits down and says

"My goodness Johnny, that's the most horrible story I've ever heard in my life. What's the moral in that?"

Johnny says,

"The moral of that story is: don't mess with Uncle Dan when he's drinking liquor!!"

[TuTonka]

A blonde was walking down a dirt road in the country admiring the beautiful fields in all their splender. When suddenly she spotted another blonde in the middle of this field sitting in a rowboat rowing as fast and as hard as she could. She stood there for a moment and then yelled out to her angerly, " you know you are the type of blonde that gives the rest of us a bad name and If I could swim I would come out there and kick your @##!

[Straydandelion]

They say a picture is worth a thousand words?