I work full-time, make almost 2x as much as hubby, spent 3 1/2 hours a day commuting, and now that our only child is 10 years old I've gone back to school for ME. I'm working towards an ADN and am in my 2nd part-time semester of pre-reqs. This is gonna be a long haul, I'm aware of that. What pisses me off is that I'm getting very little support for this at home. Oh hubby is supportive, "whatever you want to do honey", but just as long as it doesn't rock the boat anywhere else. I pretty much knew that going in, but is it too much to ask that he at least pretend to care?
I really don't expect any true help beyond what he already does (the laundry and some cooking), God forbid he clean a bathroom or anything, but couldn't he at least ask how class is going, what are you studying this week, what are those flash cards for? I talk about my struggles in getting my head around college level math and science at 39 years old and his eyes just glaze over. I couldn't care LESS about his danged hobby painting that he does, but I would never let him see that and I always ask how its going.
I'm just so mad and disappointed. My 10 year old, who thank goodness is good at math unlike her mama, is at least interested in what I'm learning. I guess its too much to ask that the man I love, who I've been married to for 11 years, care about something that's important to me
I am in a similar situation as you except my husband is against me going to school. We have four children and I am homeschooling my oldest right now and going to school full time. He doesn't want our son to go to school but he doesn't want me to go to school at night either. Right now I am taking all of my classes by video or online but next semester I'll have to take "real" classes and I'm not sure how that is going to go.
I think he is very intimidated by the thought of my going to school. He is in school himself but I think it hurts his ego to think of my making money too. He keeps saying that i'm going to leave him after I get my degree. Uh yeah four kids and 15 years later that is exactly what I'm going to be thinking. Hopefully he will get better as I hope your husband will too.
I don't think it was a postjack, we basically have the same vent. Mine wants me to continue to work though as I finance his general lack of ambition (he goes to work every day but its a crap job because what he really wants to do is his painting). He likes the end result of my becoming an RN because we can move wherever we want and I can basically get a job anywhere, but he doesn't like the journey to get there ... the financial cost, the practical cost in that I'm already drawing a blank on the way home from work when he calls me to ask what we're having for dinner.
I've worked a job I hated for the entirety of our 11 year marriage, continuing there even after we moved 70 miles out of the city because we needed the $$$. My focus was always on my family. Now that my focus is on me for the first time, he's jealous and suspicious and intimidated, blah blah blah.
I have to say, I felt like SUCH a bad wife for my original post. We really do have a good marriage aside from these issues, he's a very good man. But you know what, *I* matter too. I don't want to leave them, I want to be a better person for myself AND THEM.
I know how you feel. My husband is usually wonderful. But when it comes to me going to school.... Ugh. I have a toddler from a previous relationship nad he's a handful. So I take care of him all day, take 3 classes at the college, and do ALL the cooking and cleaning except he takes out the trash. I've talked to him about it and he keeps saying he'll help out more. But he never does. I need to study, but it's so hard when I take care of my son all day and have to cook dinner right after class. It's hard...
My husband doesn't ask me any questions either. Fortunately for me I don't cook much (1-3x week) and that doesn't really bother him. He'll have cereal, a frozen dinner or I'll pick up take-out. This has been going on for 16 years so that's no big deal. Since I don't work I feel the brunt of home responsibilities is on me. I even take out the garbage (although we have a 15 year old son). My husband's biggest fear is that I'll earn a BSN degree and not be an RN. I earned a master's and didn't work in that field. I assured him that this wouldn't happen with my RN. (There's so many different options anyway!!)
He was also jealous that I had a master's and he has a BA. (At least that's what my mom thought.) So I'm sure your DH making less than you now bothers him even though he seems content. Don't worry. Keep plugging away.
I've already graduated, but, here's some food for thought (warning, a little long)-
My husband refused to work while I was in nursing school. I take that back, "No one was hiring, not even McDonald's. I swear." So, I had to work full-time and go to school full-time. And pay for the car he bought w/o asking me. And pay child support for his other 2 children. And do the dishes/laundry/etc. My husband would constantly interrupt me while studying. His response: "Well, I take care of our son."
Taking care involved feeding him when he told his dad he was hungry and.... I guess putting him in the bath. That was pretty much the highlight. After all, all those Hotwheels needed to be customized! (I couldn't make this up.)
So, an already bad marriage deteriorates. Lots of arguing and threats, and I slowly start moving stuff out of the house hoping he won't notice. Because now it's dangerous, and I know once I graduate I'm so out of there. 8 weeks before graduation, the *** hits the fan. The police find him on top of me, yelling, threatening, etc, and shaking me. He's arrested on the spot and now my 5 yo and I have to move out now, because, oh yeah, I forgot to mention, we lived with my husband's parents. (Talk about an uncomfortable dinner hour!) He harrasses me @ work and on the phone. Once he stalks me to a friend's house.
We spend 6 months staying with different friends (I have no family down here). I manage to finish school, my son completes his school year, not miss any work, and pass my NCLEX 1st time w/ 75 questions. Now, we have our own townhouse. It's rented, but, hey, it's better than the couches we had!
I ask the DA to put my husband in counseling- that would be better for him than jail time. I still try to promote a healthy relationship between my son and his father. I have recieved over -$200 in child suppport. (That's negative because my husband always ask for groceries when our son comes over, so he can feed him. Pathetic.)
My husband always complains that he has no $ (although once I moved out, a job did magically appear for him). He blames me because he has to pay $20 a session for the counseling- that I asked for to keep him out of jail. A few days ago, he asked if he could claim our son on his taxes so he wouldn't owe $. LOL :roll This was after he returned my son to me after 2days still wearing the exact same clothes I sent him in. No bathing, no clean underwear, nothing. When we spoke later that night, he demanded $ (says I promised him some of my sign-on bonus) because, (ok, get ready for this):
"It's because of me you got to go to nursing school."
I'm not sure which planet my husband lives on. I certainly hope child support enforcement and my custody attorny can find him there! :rotfl:
I know you guys are frustrated. I know it hurts to work so hard and to not have it appreciated. I know how it feels- and worse! I'm not telling this story to depress you, just to give you some perspective of what others may go through. And, also, to let you know you are going to make it no matter what!
Educate your DHs the best that you can. Involve them in planning meals/chores/etc. My friends and I used to study and do our laundry @ the same time @ her house- worked out great. Get take-out when you can. Learn to love the word "crockpot." I think I wore pj's to school sometimes. I'm sure your husbands love you very much, but no one really understands how hard nursing school is until they do it.
That was long, I'm sorry. I can't wait until you guys graduate and enjoy the rewards for all your work! :balloons:
I know you guys are frustrated. I know it hurts to work so hard and to not have it appreciated. I know how it feels- and worse! I'm not telling this story to depress you, just to give you some perspective of what others may go through. And, also, to let you know you are going to make it no matter what!
Okay, its official ... I have NOTHING to complain about! Next time I start, someone slap me, will ya? Time to buckle down and just get things done around here. Thanks for the reality check and I'm glad you made it through to tell us about it! :w00t:
I hope your ex straightens out with your son. That's not right.
hallhollo
20 Posts
I am in a similar situation as you except my husband is against me going to school. We have four children and I am homeschooling my oldest right now and going to school full time. He doesn't want our son to go to school but he doesn't want me to go to school at night either. Right now I am taking all of my classes by video or online but next semester I'll have to take "real" classes and I'm not sure how that is going to go.
I think he is very intimidated by the thought of my going to school. He is in school himself but I think it hurts his ego to think of my making money too. He keeps saying that i'm going to leave him after I get my degree. Uh yeah four kids and 15 years later that is exactly what I'm going to be thinking. Hopefully he will get better as I hope your husband will too.
I didn't mean to postjack. sorry.