In desperate need of support

[Snowchild]

Fellow nurses, 

I want to stipulate that I'm not asking for possibilities of diagnoses, just a daughter almost at the end of her rope.

Please bear with me as I launch my story:

I live with my 80 year old mother. Over the past two years, I have seen very subtle changes with her. As more of a background, just prior to the pandemic, my father who had suffered a stroke two years before that, passed away. I also lost my job of 15 years 4 days before he died. These past 4 years since he had his stroke and subsequently needed long term care in a SNF, have been some of the most challenging and difficult times my family has ever been through. I have siblings, but they have their own lives. I made the choice many years ago to be live with both parents and be a support to them.

I sometimes wonder if I'm going crazy, or if my mother is showing signs of dementia. She is fully independent with pretty much everything, including driving and managing her finances and really no memory loss issues what I think are typical of dementia. She sometimes needs help opening up jars or carrying laundry up and down the stairs, but that's about it.She tends to fixate on various topics, and will repeat stories over and over, but she knows she does this.

What's wrong is this: She will send odd text messages throughout the day, to me at work, or my siblings, and she seems to love to create tension with her family, "picking" fights, eventually upsetting each of us, then she turns it around and says we're the problem. You can't ever argue with her, but even if you yes her to no end, that backfires as well and she will think something is wrong with that.

I am generally the target of her lashing out. It comes out of nowhere, she can be absolutely fine one minute, then the next she is in a rage. It is absolutely unnerving. 

The latest example is the other night, over a group chat that my sister started, and for some reason she wasn't getting the texts on her phone. I tried to calmly point out that her name was includes, to which she screamed at me to shut up, that I was acting hyper ever since I got home from work(I wasn't), and something was wrong with me. 

I realize this reaction may stem from her realizing that she is losing some of her mental faculties and this scares her, she really wasn't lashing out at me per se, but I couldn't help in that moment to yell back. I told her she was acting off the wall, that I was going upstairs for the rest of the night, and not to bother me. I went into my bedroom and closed the door. I broke down in tears, I was shaking and feeling so unsettled.

I still don't know if it's dementia, though, because her personality hasn't really changed over the years, I have always known her to be suspicious of others, pessimistic, and tendencies to fly off the handle. But there is something about the whole thing that makes me wonder if it is the start of dementia. There is nothing that stands out and tells me, yes, that definitely sounds like dementia. All of my siblings know there is something off, and with the exception of my younger sister, who has 4 small children and works full-time, my other two siblings generally choose to stay away and avoid her. This creates a vicious cycle, where she thinks her other children have abandoned her and she will complain about this to no end. 

I once tried to encourage her to get a full workup, careful to tell her I didn't think anything was wrong but I was concerned about her, She wouldn't hear of it. 

I'm reaching out to see if there is anything I can do. I feel so alone right now. : (

[NRSKarenRN, BSN, RN]

Time to call her PCP regarding your concerns.  Ask PCP office to call to schedule an office visit if she won't go for a checkup.  I was lucky that my Dad wanted me to go to his visits after my mother died.  When he showed up without me one time,  PCP called me as Dementia then very evident.

Hugs to you.  Counseling would give you support in dealing with parent concerns too.

[JBMmom, MSN, NP]

Sorry for your situation. It sounds like she may have some untreated mental health issues that perhaps were not as evident while your father was alive. Certainly a full regular check up is warranted and hopefully she will agree to that. Full dementia testing may require visits that she would not agree to, or mental health evaluation. It's unfortunate that you may be stuck dealing with the situation because you cannot force someone else to get the help they need. Do your best to take care of yourself, even counseling for yourself could give you some strategies for dealing with her behavior. Good luck to you. 

[CommunityRNBSN, BSN, RN]

On 11/9/2022 at 11:22 AM, JBMmom said:

Sorry for your situation. It sounds like she may have some untreated mental health issues that perhaps were not as evident while your father was alive. 

This was my thought too. Is it possible that your father’s death either exacerbated her mental Heath  problems, or that he helped to stabilize her with his presence?  Either way, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I agree that you need to find a therapist for yourself— this is a challenging situation and you need someone that you can debrief with on a regular basis.