Imposter Syndrome

[LillyM RN]

Hi!

I have been an RN for over 15 years. 
I have worked in many areas but am now in day surgery/ ICU and ED 

I love my job, but I feel like I am not good enough. 
I am relatively new to theatre nursing, so I am still finding my way in there. All the established staff there are nice, but I have the very distinct impression that they don’t trust me. 
the reason for this is primarily because I am deaf, I understand their anxiety surrounding this, and I’m even grateful for it to a point. It adds an extra layer of protection against error. 
What I don’t understand is, that sometimes they really treat me like I am stupid. 
Yes I am new there, yes I need guidance as it is a very specialised area and one that takes time to become fluent with. 
there’s been a few instances where I’ve tried to do the right thing only to find out it’s wrong! 
For example, a Dr will give a medication order verbally, the nurses write the order in the EMR with a co-sign protocol. 
I feel this is fine in emergency situations but not for routine medications or pre procedure medications. I feel this method is a recipe for disaster.
 A recent meeting was held and it was mentioned that Drs now need to write medication orders up prior to nursing staff administering them (emergent procedures exempted). I was under the very distinct impression that this was now being implemented. I was wrong! The protocol was put forward but the Drs don’t write the meds up so the nurses do it with the co-sign protocol. 
A patient required a pre procedure medication, the Dr gave the order verbally but didn’t give dosage/route etc. I didn’t worry because I thought it was going to be written in the patient EMR as stated in the meeting the week prior that what needs to occur from now on. 
One of my superiors heard the Dr tell me the order but I didn’t confirm it, he (my superior) then got a bit upset with me and said that I needed to confirm the order. I explained that I thought the order was going to be written in the chart. My superior said “no they don’t do that you must confirm the order!” So I went and confirmed the order, dosage and route as requested. 
I walked out to the patient area, with the medications and my superior had followed me, saying “have you confirmed that order? The dosage? The route???” I
I said “yes of course I have.” 
I then wrote the order in with the co sign from the Dr and walked back into the procedure area, where I saw my superior speaking with another colleague about me not confirming an order and being unsafe. In all of my years of nursing, I’ve never ever given a drug with out an order, never! 
Yes I have made drug errors in my time as a nurse, I’ve always admitted to them and learned from them, but I’ve never deliberately made up or guessed a drug order and given what ever I thought it was,  ever.
It has all just made me feel so incompetent, like I’m a terrible nurse. 

Situations similar to this keep happening, my work is constantly criticised, I’m constantly being checked up on, reminded about things that are basic nursing care. It just makes me feel incompetent and that I don’t deserve to work as a nurse.

If my colleagues can’t trust me, then how can I be confident in my own abilities in this new area that I am working in!? 

I know im not anywhere near as experienced or as knowledgeable as my colleagues, I don’t even pretend to be.

But I'm certainly not stupid or careless and I would never compromise patient safety in a deliberate fashion.
I just wish they’d see that I am deaf, but not stupid or unsafe.

I’m considering resigning. I really really love my job, but it’s killing me being treated like I am stupid just because I have a hearing impairment. It shakes my confidence and makes me feel extremely anxious and distressed. 
What should I do.. ?

[JBMmom, MSN, NP]

It's unfortunate that you have some coworkers that may not know how to treat others appropriately. It may be related to your hearing impairment, but it may be that they treat all new coworkers with an air of suspicion until they have worked with them longer. If you enjoy the work that you're doing, it would be worth it to have a conversation, either directly with the person that has caused you a problem, or with your supervisor/another supervisor to clearly state the process that should be followed. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong and certainly your coworkers would know that if the situation were fully investigated. If you don't enjoy the work, or if you feel there would be an environment that causes you less stress, perhaps one where your hearing impairment does not have as much of an impact on your job, you might consider making a change. I hope you can figure out what would work best for you. I'm sure that you're quite competent and could be successful in any situation after 15 years of experience. All changes come with challenges, best of luck.