I'm so sad...sorry this is really long

[jessnurse05]

Hi,

This doesn't really relate to nursing, other than I'm a nurse, but I wanted your guys' advice.

I moved down here to So Cal from WA because I got a good job offer and my dad and stepmom were down here. They told me all about how they were going to help me out with my kids (I'm a single mom of dd, 5, and ds, 2). They said they would be able to help with babysitting and we could get together on days off etc. Well I came down here and surprise, surprise, no they can't ever take the kids overnight because their schedules won't work out with mine etc..... All of this even though they knew what kind of schedule I would have and said no problem about it before. My stepmom did help me get a babysitter, who is also her soon to be daughter-in-law who has tons of experience with kids, the kids will be part of their family etc.

Well the babysitter has worked out till now (more on that later) but my stepmom has been just awful. They never call me to get together, I have to call and try to catch them at home when they are not on the phone (they have call waiting, but never pick it up), then when we finally do get together, they tell dd that mommy needs to bring her over more often and complain about never getting to see them.

Now my dd is very difficult sometimes, behavior wise. She can throw quite a tantrum and is also a very picky eater. The babysitter knew this and told me all about her niece who was exactly the same. So she worked great with dd for a while and dd was also behaving better, but in January the babysitter asked for more money or she would have to quit by March because she wasn't able to pay her bills and she is getting married in May. So I figured out how much more I could pay her and offered it to her, but she said no, she was just quitting at the beginning of March so she could prepare for her wedding. She is also thinking about moving and will be out of town a lot. Fine, I started looking for another babysitter. But all this month she's been babysitting less and less, and last week I couldn't get ahold of her till 3pm when I had to work that night. I usually drop the kids off by 1:00, or sometimes as early as noon so I can sleep. Now I had no idea where she was or even if she was going to be home in time, so I called my stepmom. She pretty much told me too bad for you, I can't do anything. It wouldn't have been so bad, except she's done this to me before at times when I really needed someone to watch my kids. I don't call her much to watch the kids, usually I stay and visit if I'm going to bring the kids over.

So this all lead up to last Thursday. My stepmom had left a message for me and I called her back as soon as I got home. The first thing she asked was how were the kids, I told her they were doing good, they were at a new daycare and they had a really good day with her. She said in a really sarcastic voice, "they're good?!" like it wasn't possible for them to ever be good. Then she asked me what my mom, stepdad and sister did to make my dd such a brat! I told her nothing and explained to her that dd has always had behavior problems and I've been doing the best I can and that she did a lot better in a preschool that had a structured environment. She accused me of condoning my dd's bad behavior. Then she goes on to tell me that me working night shift is ruining my family and that I care more about money than I do my kids. I was so mad at this point that I almost hung up on her (might not be a big thing to some people, but I've never done it to anyone before). My dd also is having bm issues that I'm working with the doctor about, but my stepmom thinks it's all behavior and that I just "let her get away with it." I realize that to some degree it is behavioral, but she hasn't had an accident since I talked to the Dr about it so I think there were other issues.

Now I was mad and sad about this, but she wasn't done there. She called my mom, but only got ahold of my sister (she's 17). She really wanted to talk to my mom about it, but since my mom wasn't there she told my sister all the same stuff, then a bunch of lies about my dd. She told my sister that she tells me that she has to work, or doesn't answer the phone because she doesn't want me to come over and that the babysitter was quitting because she didn't like my kids.

I haven't talked to her since then and I don't plan on talking to her for a while. I'm so upset by this still. I have found a new babysitter so my kids don't have to go there anymore. I don't know if it was true about the babysitter or not, but to lie to me like that really hurts. And to say those things about my dd hurts too.

My sister is really mad too, she doesn't want me to even talk to them anymore and she wants me to move back to WA as soon as my year is up here. (If I don't work a year at this hospital I have to pay back the moving expenses and sign on bonus).

My dd has never hurt anyone, or broken anything. She's not some terror child, she's actually good most of the time. I want to get on with my life and leave this behind me, but I keep thinking about it and tearing myself apart because it's my fault that my dd is like this. I know I'm too leinent with her, but I'm working on it. I'm doing the best I can.

Jessica

[Luv2BAnurse]

What a shame your family wouldn't be more supportive. Seems you've taken the right step with daycare. I wouldn't "write off" the step mom, but if she ever requests to see your children, make it supervised (your supervision) only. I would probably make the move back home when my time was over, but that's just me, I NEED family support. hehe. You are the mother, don't let anyone talk to your children like that, and you are not a bad mother regardless of the shift you choose to work. Good luck.

[smk1, LPN]

Jessica, it sounds like your child is just young, active and probably bored. I have a 5 year old and she can get up to A LOT of mischief if she doesn't have a structured activity or supervision. She isn't awful either and gets along with most kids and adults just fine, but she is very smart and active and we have some friends whose kids just aren't, and they do not understand that our daughter is not just going to sit in front of the T.V. all day long quietly. We have had to have candid talks about this issue before. I am not a mom who thinks her child is perfect, but i also know that no one elses is either, and i won't tolerate someone trying to blame my kid for everything that goes on with no proof. For us, what ended up working is not taking our daughter to play with certain kids when we were invited to hang out with the parents for about 2 months. We arranged other acivities for her so she still had fun, but she couldn't be blamed for "accidents", broken toys, messy rooms etc.. at these families houses. Totally worked because toys still got broken, water and juice was still spilled, DVD and Tapes still got scratched and misplaced etc... when our daughter was not there. I would talk to your dad about the situation. Highlight the fact that you moved thousands of miles away to be close to them and that you are a single parent doing the best that you can and it is hard that they don't make the effort to try to see you and the kids. Also if your daughter is doing fine at the new daycare then that is all that you need to worry about. Try to make friends with some moms in your neighborhood with kids the same age, or sign your daughter up for a class at the local community center to meet friends that way. You both will benefit and you will have a life outside of your family that is down there. Also if your daughter is doing fine with everyone else then the problem lies with two adults who just have no clue of how to handle a small child.

[lady_jezebel]

I think that intuitively you already know all this, but I'm going to write it anyway:

Your daughter is probably a very normal kid, since "difficult" behavior is just part of growing up. All kids go through stages, and months from now she'll probably have a whole other set of behaviors. This is normal. And the guilt you feel about how you're raising your children is also normal. All moms feel guilt, it's just part of motherhood. Loving your children doesn't turn them into brats; your family may bring out the worst in your children b/c those adults don't know how to interact with your kids or treat their mother with respect/love. Your daughter may temporarily exhibit some challenging behaviors, but that does not mean she is a "brat" to be shunned. She's a little kid.

Unfortunately, your family is just reinforcing your insecurities & are nonsupportive. They sound toxic to your self-esteem, and probably your kid's self perceptions, too. Let these people go. Deal with them only on your own terms. They should feel fortunate to have your kids in thier lives, but if they don't, it's their loss. You are the one who decides how to raise your own children, and they have no right to interfere. The entire thing is unfortunate, but the best thing for you to do is move on & have faith in yourself as a parent. Trust your own judgement.

[clee1]

Unfortunately, your family is just reinforcing your insecurities & are nonsupportive. They sound toxic to your self-esteem, and probably your kid's self perceptions, too. Let these people go. Deal with them only on your own terms. They should feel fortunate to have your kids in thier lives, but if they don't, it's their loss. You are the one who decides how to raise your own children, and they have no right to interfere.

:yeahthat:

Exactly right..... remember; nobody can do you dirtier or hurt you worse than family.

I'm sorry that you are having such issues with your dad/stepmom, but sometimes it is best to learn the lesson (as hard as it is) and move on.

Dysfunctional is as dysfunctional does.... and this all sounds VERY dysfunctional. Parents HAVE to work, kids are active and rowdy, EVERYBODY has issues of one form or another.

Tell stepmom to take a flying freak at a rolling donut; and quit worrying what other people think of you and your situation. You'll be better off in the long run for it.

[jessnurse05]

Thanks for the encouragement.

My stepmom "wears the pants in the house" and my dad will go along with whatever she says.

I have lost any respect from them because of times when I was in tears at their house when I coudn't control dd. So they now think that I am unable to disipline her at all. She just gets worse and worse when there is more than one person telling her what to do, so when my stepmom takes over I don't interfere. So I've kind of created a monster.

I probably will move back as soon as my year is over. I didn't mention that my stepmom is also an alcoholic. She can drink at least a 6 pack a day. She told me when I moved down here that she wouldn't drink when the kids are around, but she was falling over drunk the first day that I brought my kids over (and she knew a couple days in advance that we were coming over). I NEED family support too, and to have my sister so strongly take my side really tells me that something is wrong here.

Jessica

[clee1]

I probably will move back as soon as my year is over. I didn't mention that my stepmom is also an alcoholic. She can drink at least a 6 pack a day. She told me when I moved down here that she wouldn't drink when the kids are around, but she was falling over drunk the first day that I brought my kids over (and she knew a couple days in advance that we were coming over). I NEED family support too, and to have my sister so strongly take my side really tells me that something is wrong here.

Jessica

BINGO!!!!!

Yup. You're on target, girl. Do what you must so you aren't in a worse financial spot, then get the heck outta there!

Alcoholics aren't fit for anyone to be around, let alone a small child.

Keep your distance from them, and go back home as soon as you can, where people will love and support you.

[pugmum]

BINGO!!!!!

Yup. You're on target, girl. Do what you must so you aren't in a worse financial spot, then get the heck outta there!

Alcoholics aren't fit for anyone to be around, let alone a small child.

Keep your distance from them, and go back home as soon as you can, where people will love and support you.

I couldn't agree more!

[lifesaverwv]

Jessko, You have nothing to feel bad about as far as you're concerned. It

sounds like your step mom is the wicked witch of the west! When your year is up I'd move back to WA where your sister & Mom are to give you support.

I admire you for being a single Mom of 2 young children & making a major move with them & then coping with a new job. Keep your chin up! You sound like a terrific Mom!

[DusktilDawn]

Little wisdom or common sense will come from a six-pack that provides empty promises along with empty bottles.

This is really someone your kids shouldn't be exposed to anyway. Actually this isn't someone you should expose yourself to. You can't change your stepmother.

I think in you heart you know what you want to do when your year is up.:icon_hug:

[jessnurse05]

Thank you again for all of the kind responses.

By the way, the baby in the picture is my dd.

Jessica