If You Only Had One Wish...

LilRedRN1973 · Jan 4, 2010

It would be to share more time with my mother as a sober person. She passed away this August suddenly and was only able to share about a year of my sobriety with me. We were just beginning to repair some of the damage done in our relationship and I miss her every day. I have tears as I'm writing this because of the physical pain I feel in my heart from that sadness. However, I am grateful that she was able to stay around long enough to see me have some sobriety and I'm eternally thankful that she waited to leave until I found all the support I have through my recovery. Without that, I don't know where I would be, but it wouldn't be a good place. When I start thinking how unfair it is that I lost my mother at 35 years of age, I remind myself just as anything else in life, God gives me just what I need, even though I may not always be what I want. Because what I want may not be what I need. And eventually, I come to realize that what I needed was what I wanted all along. Make sense?

Magsulfate, BSN, RN · Jan 6, 2010

You had some time with her that is good. I see your pain in your words and I am sorry. I don't know how that feels and can not even begin to imagine. Keep your memories close to your heart and don't let them fade...

Magsulfate, BSN, RN · Jan 8, 2010

Okay, come on people,, this is suppose to be a therapeutic exercise! But you have to reply and type ! I know all of us in recovery have thoughts and dreams,, it's not all about worry and questions about drug tests and etc etc.....

Is there anyone else out there that would answer this question/thread? It get's you thinking for sure...

Jack, I'm going to call on you to answer this... if you put your wish down.. then the rest shall follow .. so.. I'm ready.

MizChelleRN · Jan 9, 2010

Ooooh pick me, pick me!!!! Great topic!

My first reaction was I wish I had never started using, never got caught, never went through all the consequences of my addiction...but guess what? I am NOT sorry ANY of that happened. Believe me, nine months ago, I would have NEVER believed I would feel that way. I went through some mad hell and actually wanted to die of embarrassment and humiliation, but what I really learned was true HUMILITY. I was so miserable and unhappy in my own head loooooong before I even put any drugs or alcohol into my body. The transformation is going slowly for me, but the benefits that recovery is offering me are IMMENSE.

I guess my wish would be for tolerance. The magic dust I could sprinkle over others that would make them tolerant, not to judge me by my background, my past, the diversion, the disease, the lines I crossed that I swore I never would, and just see me. Well, and to see addicted/alcoholic patients too, because I am the first to tell you that I pre-judged those patients and was probably less compassionate towards them.

But then again, if I got my wish, Jack might just be out of a job!!! I'm excited to see the other responses. Would you have chosen to wish away the addiction altogether?

Magsulfate, BSN, RN · Jan 9, 2010

My husband just tells me his wish.. and he says.. he wishes he could go back to age 17 knowing everything he knows now...

And I tell him.. yup.. you would rule the world...

MizChelleRN · Jan 9, 2010

You know what, that is interesting to think about. If I knew then what I know now.

The angel on my shoulder is whispering in my ear those beautiful thoughts about recovery, self esteem, the consequences and the pain of said consequences, the beauty of the fellowship, the serenity, the freedom.

But the disease, ever roaring, is telling me something else. I'll tell you what, and I will never minimize my use, but I was not as far down the scale when I hit my consequence (Which I truly believe is God intervening before I did) but that devil on my shoulder tells me all the stuff I "missed out" on. Which sounds so strange to me. I never did cocaine, never even knew to crush (certain pills that I was using) meds to put in my nose, my diseased thinking told me to never touch oxycontin, because, you know~people get ADDICTED to that stuff! I never bought anything on the street, had no idea how to find it. But I find that I know so much more about using than I ever did in my "straight" days, yes, I was a bit sheltered, a bit naive (I think others may find it hard to believe I didn't how to get stuff on the streets, etc, but I really didn't! or it never occurred to me to do so, since I thought I basically had access to anything I wanted or needed) Well so anyways, now I'm in a drug court program (its a cool program, a year long of group therapy and intensive probation and TONS of really restrictive conditions but in one year the felony will be expunged, sealed from my record) and I am meeting people who are just educating me too much. :uhoh3:

In short, if I knew then, what I know NOW, I would have been WAY farther gone than I was. Thank god I wasn't. It was helpful to think that out though, it certainly puts reality in my recovery. If I go back out there, I will do things I never thought I would. If I go out, I'll probably try all those things I "missed out on", and I will die. We always have another relapse in us but we don't know if we have another recovery in us.

MizChelleRN · Jan 9, 2010

I hope that came out right. I won't change what I wrote because it certainly is all true, but I hope it came across as I intended. I am certainly not grieving the loss of the drugs, or what I "wish" I tried or, well? I'm getting flustered trying to explain what I mean? I'm not sorry I didn't do certain "Yets" but I do have fleeting obsessive thoughts and I know for a fact that if I let the disease win, I will cross lines that I never knew I would. That's better.

jackstem · Jan 10, 2010

I would sprinkle the magic dust and make (at least) all health care professionals UNDERSTAND the disease of addiction.

Jack

jackstem · Jan 10, 2010

Excellent topic Mag! Thanks!

Jack

jackstem · Jan 10, 2010

My husband just tells me his wish.. and he says.. he wishes he could go back to age 17 knowing everything he knows now...
And I tell him.. yup.. you would rule the world...

LOLOL Ain't it the truth!!! My Dad and I have these discussions about all sorts of topics. When we get done one of us usually says, "If the world would just listen to us, it would be a great place to live!"

And then we laugh our butts off!!! :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :yeah:

Jack

Magsulfate, BSN, RN · Jan 10, 2010

I love to watch the History Channel and they have a couple new series.. one is Life After People,, and another one is about trying to survive with no government after the world has fallen apart.....

And I thought to myself,, the world would fall apart just like in these shows,, before we could get people to understand addiction. If healthcare professionals have a hard time understanding addiction as a disease (and there's proof of that here in these boards) then how in the world is the common person going to understand it?

SO, then my mind wondered a little more and then I decided I would change my wish just a little... and instead wish for a machine that you could dial in the kind of magic dust that you want... maybe have 10 different choices or so... (hell make it infinite) and then it POOFS out the magic dust ,,, unique to however you want to use it.. lol

Okay, my imagination is running wild now..