Let me start off by saying that I am utterly exhausted right now so please forgive any typographical or grammatical errors.
Yesterday was a day unlike any other. I was 10 minutes late for work for the first time and that must have caused the earth to shift on its axis because the day went downhill from there.
I work at an assisted living facility as a CNA and usually work the 7-3 shift every other weekend. Well, we were short staffed and busting our humps non-stop. We had 3 very very ill residents. One had to be sent out to the hospital. One was drifting downhill and the last one had CF and was struggling to breath w/ o2 cranked as high as we could go. These residents were doing so poorly that I volunteered to work next Sunday because I didn't think any of them would make it the 2 weeks until I came back to work and I wanted to be sure that I was able to help make their last days as comfortable as possible.
Anyway, at 2:55 my nurse asked me to stay over for a while because they were short-staffed for the 3-11 shift. I am known as the go-to girl because I hardly ever refuse them when they ask. So of course I stayed.
My assignment included the CF resident that had been closely monitored all day and I checked on her. Her color was poor and she seemed only moderately coherent. She had always been very clear with the staff that she wanted to perform as many of her regular activities for as long as she could. This included eating meals with everone else in the dining room. At 3:30 I checked on her and she thought it was time to get up. I told her that it was not time to go yet and that she should get some rest. My med tech, nurse, and I would alternate checking in on her every 15-20 minutes just to make sure her breathing was okay(though very loud gasping) and that everything was fine. Each time we did, I would tell her that it was not yet time to go but that I would come get her soon.
Well, at 5:00 I went to her room to get her dressed to go down to dinner. She still seemed a little out of it and I was wondering if she would be able to sit at the table and feed herself. When I came into her room I told her that it was time to get up and get ready to go. I repeated this in various ways probably 3 times while I was trying to dress her. At one point when she was sitting on the side of the bed she nearly slid into the floor and that's when I decided that this just wasn't going to work. I was trying to ease her back into the bed and was struggling when I called for assistance. When another CNA came in to help I was holding her and needed her to help me get her back up on the bed. The head of her bed is up to keep her more upright to aid with her breathing. I was trying to put her on the bed and get her into the upright position when I realized she was non-responsive and her breathing did not involving any gasping sounds. I was a little panicked as I was trying to get her to respond to me. We called the nurse in and we all gathered around to comfort and soothe her as she took her last breaths.
This was a strong, beautiful, intelligent woman that touched many of our lives.
I took this especially hard because of several reasons. I have only worked as a CNA since February. I have never witnessed death before. I felt like she wasn't with it enough to eat dinner in the dining room yet I still tried to get her up and dressed. I am afraid that my lack of experience in assessing my resident's wellness kept me from making the right decision.
The nurse said that the time that she was first unresponsive, she was having a CVA. She was then unable to follow commands to breath only through her nose and she was breathing more and more slowly and shallow. We couldn't get her to focus her eyes on us or anything. There were four of us in the room and we did offer words of comfort and comfort touches.
I did get to spend time alone with her to say goodbye before they took her away. She had a very sharp mind and a quick wit. It came to me while I was sitting with her that I had told her time and time again today that it was not time to go yet. When I finally came in and told her it was time to get up and get ready to go, she took it as a direction to go on a different journey. When I told her goodbye, I told her that she definitely got me good and that I think it was an honor that she chose me to be with her as she left.
I really don't even know where I going with this but I feel a little lost right now and my dh doesn't understand. I thought if anyone could understand, it would be you guys.
Like I said, I'm exhausted so please forgive me if these is incoherent babbling. While we were in with her the building seemed to implode. There was a kitchen crisis, a fire alarm, firemen and residents wandering about. CHAOS. To top it off we were short staffed in CNAs and med techs. We didn't finish passing meds and settling everyone down until after 10:00. By the time we did med count, it was 11:45.
My heart is heavy and my mind is numb. Is it going to hit me this hard every single time? I don't know if I could take it mentally.
It sounds like death came as gently as it could for this lady, and in the end what more can we ask? It sounds an odd thing to say about two people I've never met, but it gives me a feeling of gratitude that you were there to comfort her. The love you shared comes through your post.
There is a lot in the Bible I have difficulty with, but one verse I have never doubted: God is love, and whatever grief you may feel, I hope you'll take with you that you and she were in the company of God at that time. No wonder such moments leave us shaken, and moved.
Do I have to say you did good? Nothing you could possibly have done would have delayed the inevitable more than briefly, and what you did meant the world. All things considered, I'd prefer not to die for a good long while, but when I do, I would far rather be holding the hand of someone who cares for me than alone in some ICU, dragging it out for days on a vent.
God bless you. I don't imagine this gets a lot easier, really, and maybe it shouldn't, but it does seem over time we gain a perspective that makes it less painful. As you say, it's an honor to be there.
Specializes in Policy, Emergency OR, Peds OR, CVOR.
I thank you all so very much for your kind words.
I truly love what I'm doing and I am starting nursing school in the fall, but yesterday made me question everything.
I have learned so much from everyone on this forum and you don't know how much I appreciate you guys being here for me on my lowest day.
The sun is shining and life rumbles along outside my window. I should probably rejoin the world of the living. I know she wouldn't want me to mope around.
I have always wanted to plant an herb garden so I think I will. I'm going to start by planting Sweet Sage. I can't think of a better one to represent her.
Sounds to me like you are a caring individual who is doing your job the way it should be done - with heart. But of course, your heart gets affected too. If your employer has an employee-assistance program seek it out and get counseling. Is there a psych nurse available to your facility, or some other professional? You might need advice on how to wind down and how to work thru stressful times. Thanks for sharing. It made me feel better to know there are people out there who really do care.
Specializes in Policy, Emergency OR, Peds OR, CVOR.
From all I've seen at this facility, they don't have anything in the way of support for their staff. We all seem to just depend on each other. Administration doesn't see employee couseling as a justifiable expense I guess.
nursemike, ASN, RN
1 Article; 2,362 Posts
It sounds like death came as gently as it could for this lady, and in the end what more can we ask? It sounds an odd thing to say about two people I've never met, but it gives me a feeling of gratitude that you were there to comfort her. The love you shared comes through your post.
There is a lot in the Bible I have difficulty with, but one verse I have never doubted: God is love, and whatever grief you may feel, I hope you'll take with you that you and she were in the company of God at that time. No wonder such moments leave us shaken, and moved.
Do I have to say you did good? Nothing you could possibly have done would have delayed the inevitable more than briefly, and what you did meant the world. All things considered, I'd prefer not to die for a good long while, but when I do, I would far rather be holding the hand of someone who cares for me than alone in some ICU, dragging it out for days on a vent.
God bless you. I don't imagine this gets a lot easier, really, and maybe it shouldn't, but it does seem over time we gain a perspective that makes it less painful. As you say, it's an honor to be there.