I have worked in office administration for over 8 years. I have worked in the music industry, with temperamental artists, and most recently, in transportation with truck drivers. I've alway felt I was in "the wrong place" in life, and two years ago started taking nursing classes at night. I have always suffered from low self esteem, but have done well and have an 88% average. I got 92% in Nursing Theory last semester! I was over the moon.
However, I have worked full-time while doing this. I cannot afford not to. I had a good job, albeit with an abusive boss. He regularly berated his employees. He fired people for silly reasons (we had a driver whose daughter was brutally murdered. He was a good employee. My boss "starved" him for work until he quit, saying that he didn't want anyone with "that sort of mental thing" hanging over his head). Increasingly, I found his abuse to be harder and harder to take. He regularly had me in tears. Of course he saw this as a weakness, and two weeks ago he "laid me off".
I am devastated. I have had consistently good reviews, raises etc., but I feel like a failure. I keep thinking I was a lousy employee. I tried not to mope and immediately went out the next day and enrolled in a Personal Support Worker program at a community college (the equivalent of a CNA here in Canada). It is a four month program and I am still taking my RN courses at night. I'm finding the work easy - it's theory all over again - and doing well. I will be desperate for a job in May of this year - hoping to get hired somewhere. I'm hoping my being enrolled in nursing school will help my job prospects.
But, mentally I am falling apart. I cry every night. I have never been unemployed, and I am using my retirement savings to live off of, plus my husband, who has a good job (though not good enough to sustain us past May) and is extremely supportive. I worry all the time. I have nightmares, and can't sleep.
When he laid me off and I asked why, he yammered on and blurted out "you can be too sensitive". I keep thinking the week before Christmas, when he called us all "F-ing Retards", and my eyes welled up (I'm not talking sobbing here, just shaky and teary eyed. I can't help it when someone yells at me and calls me a moron, which he has) I lost my job right there and then.
My husband cannot understand my feelings of failure, since I'm doing so well in school. But I simply can't get past the fact I lost my job!!!
Any tips? I'm so very worried I won't be able to handle the emotional aspects of nursing. I get upset because I care about people. I don't think anyone has the right to abuse anyone else. We are all people and deserve respect. I deserve respect. So why can't I get past this mourning period? I have an appointment with my doctor this week. I've had bouts of depression that I've been on meds for before. I'm wondering if thats what I need this time....
I am seeing my doctor on Wednesday, and I'm hoping she can put me back on some antidepressants and recommend a therapist. I still have insurance through my husband, so I am lucky...in so many ways.
I am not suicidal..I'd never do that to the people I love..but trust me, that's the ONLY thing keeping me from it. I know in my head what is right and makes sense, if only I could make my heart believe it. I have nightmares on a nightly basis. I am either up all night, and can't get up, or sleep early and wake up at 4.
The career counselling centre at my school deals with those aged 18 to 24, only. It appears that only that age group needs a job :) Also, last time I "took advantage" of one of the counsellors at one of my schools (since I currently attend two...I couldn't get into the PSW program at my nursing school, so I commute between two community colleges! Stupid I know, but only for four months) was before I enrolled in nursing school.
I was sure I wanted to do it, and needed someone to reassure me. Know what she told me? "If you aren't particularly good at math, and you are good in English, why oh why do you want to be a nurse?" she hadn't heard a word I had said. She suggested I apply to Journalism school...NOT what I want.
That, combined with the fact that I am 33 and not 20 in nursing school because of another high school counsellor who suggested I would not be good at it, has left me with a deep rooted fear of anyone who "advises" anything.
Still, I really do appreciate the advice. And I know I'm whining. I'm very lucky, and I'm sure there are those on this board who have gotten through school with many more difficulties facing them.
NeuroICURN - If I had argued, I would have been fired. Anyone who dared to disagree with him got canned immediately. I was scared stiff. I think that's why I'm reduced to this emotional, "over sensitive" mess - I had to find a way to deal with it, and I was becoming overwhelmed. So many of you are so right - my mental and physical health was at stake. I only wish I could have held out for another year while I finish school! I am unfortunately in debt from a relationship gone bad before I married my husband, so this makes it worse. I also do not qualify for student loans - my husband earns too much money. I simply have to find a job in the next five months!
Worthy, after reading your story, what I see is a blessing in disguise. You are making way better grades in school than many, you have a loving, supportive husband, you are enrolled in a CNA course that you are doing very well in...stand back and look at that for a minute. You have so much to look forward to in your life! Try not to fret too much about losing your job with that horrible employer; you will be so much better off in the long run. Meanwhile, hold your head up, be proud of your accomplishments, and learn how to cook and enjoy beans till you finish CNA training!
Oh Worthy, sorry you had such lousy advisors. Please don't let that discourage you from continuing to seek career/ job seeking advice. Hopefully the counselors at your other school can be more helpful.
My attitude is , "Hey, I'm a consumer here. I've paid my tuition for this service, and need professional advice on how to handle job references, job search, or what ever."
I was several years older than you when I used the career departments services at my community college. It was a service we were encourage to use!
Boy do you need a mentor right now! Someone who believes in you and who can offer some encouragement. Got any instructors you can go to for support?
I'm rooting for you! Keep us posted on how things work out.
Thank you everyone. The coordinator of my nursing program is excellent, but I am one of hundreds of students. When I leave messages for her, or email, it takes her a month to reply. She is very supportive, but I'm a number to her. In fact, I've emailed her today asking for a letter of reference for when I start my job search in April.
My hubby and I hammered out our expenses for the next little while, and I can live "Ok" on my retirement savings (poof! Eight years of saving...gone! But at least it's only a debt to myself, no interest). til the end of June if necessary. My course ends at the beginning of May, which gives me two months to find a job. I am told that the majority of the students have jobs before they finish...I so hope I am one of them...I heard a student in last semesters program in the hall the other day say "well, I'm looking for a job...". That was the only sentence I heard, and my heart just about stopped. I thought "geez, she's done in two weeks, and she doesn't have a job yet". I know I have to stop all this negative self-talk but my brain runs without asking me.
I look like hell. My skin has broken out. My hair, despite what I do to it, looks like crap. My poor husband, who works hard all day, has to come home to me having a breakdown at least once every evening. I struggle through the day - and my classmates are great, and they think I'm wonderwoman doing two programs at once...but I keep thinking "I'm not the great person you think I am". Since I'm the only nursing student in the PSW program, they seem to hold me up to the gold standard. I had a test on Nutrition last week, and I was in class the night before til 10:30, so had little time to study. I got 80%. One girl, who got 86%, was so impressed that she "beat the nursing student". She wasn't mean about it, and I know she was proud, but I felt like crying.
My poor husband. He is so supportive, I don't know what I'd do without him. And my mom, who is unfortunately 800 miles away! She tells me every phone call how proud she is of me and my hard work.
Anyway, thank you so much for the support. It feels better just typing it.
You are not a bad person because you were "laid off". Give yourself the same break you gave the other people who were laid off for "silly reasons". He was just making things up to justify his evilness.
You're on the path to becoming the nurse you were meant to be. Let the past be the past and move foward.
The many times I've had to start my life over again have all been blessings in disguise. (I can relate to be fired for no good reason too. It hurt terribly and I had a lot of anger to work through, but it was for the best in the end.)
Worthy
93 Posts
Thank you everyone.
I am seeing my doctor on Wednesday, and I'm hoping she can put me back on some antidepressants and recommend a therapist. I still have insurance through my husband, so I am lucky...in so many ways.
I am not suicidal..I'd never do that to the people I love..but trust me, that's the ONLY thing keeping me from it. I know in my head what is right and makes sense, if only I could make my heart believe it. I have nightmares on a nightly basis. I am either up all night, and can't get up, or sleep early and wake up at 4.
The career counselling centre at my school deals with those aged 18 to 24, only. It appears that only that age group needs a job :) Also, last time I "took advantage" of one of the counsellors at one of my schools (since I currently attend two...I couldn't get into the PSW program at my nursing school, so I commute between two community colleges! Stupid I know, but only for four months) was before I enrolled in nursing school.
I was sure I wanted to do it, and needed someone to reassure me. Know what she told me? "If you aren't particularly good at math, and you are good in English, why oh why do you want to be a nurse?" she hadn't heard a word I had said. She suggested I apply to Journalism school...NOT what I want.
That, combined with the fact that I am 33 and not 20 in nursing school because of another high school counsellor who suggested I would not be good at it, has left me with a deep rooted fear of anyone who "advises" anything.
Still, I really do appreciate the advice. And I know I'm whining. I'm very lucky, and I'm sure there are those on this board who have gotten through school with many more difficulties facing them.
NeuroICURN - If I had argued, I would have been fired. Anyone who dared to disagree with him got canned immediately. I was scared stiff. I think that's why I'm reduced to this emotional, "over sensitive" mess - I had to find a way to deal with it, and I was becoming overwhelmed. So many of you are so right - my mental and physical health was at stake. I only wish I could have held out for another year while I finish school! I am unfortunately in debt from a relationship gone bad before I married my husband, so this makes it worse. I also do not qualify for student loans - my husband earns too much money. I simply have to find a job in the next five months!