I Became Sleepless

[Epinephrine]

I do a lot of personal care towards my patients and usually do long days instead of nights as my manager allowed my request because I have small kids at home and I assured her that I do better during the day than night.

Fast forward since I started working in the hospital and I’m gonna be nearly a year now. I found joy in my work, caring for the elderly. Then the news about the pandemic outbreak horrified the world. My colleagues and I just shrugged it off because we underestimated it and thought we are in a first-world country anyway so why would we be bothered.

Then we heard rumors about one positive case is being cared for in the intensive care unit in our hospital. That was the time when I slightly panicked as I thought well, it is possible because our institution is just near the international airport of course. “Just don’t forget to wash your hands frequently especially before you touch your face,” that’s what our ward doctor warned us, or me, and I still remember it until now.

“There’s another positive in the ward upstairs, and another in the acute medical unit, and another one in...” Oh, sugar, and I’m already in mild panic mode. I know in the news about this and on social media and also in the messenger group of my relatives in my homeland, the topic was all about this COVID-19 and apparently there was no cure for the virus. I’m this kind of person who shuts the news if I get so stressed about it. So I deactivated my facebook, closing my ears on BBC news and I listened to the audio bible.

It was the second week of March this year when I’ve looked after query patients in the side rooms, two of them were query. “If it’s already in front of you, what would you do?” I cried to myself. I still have to go home with my kids and in-laws who belong to the elderly group. So I got home and washed quickly without telling my family I handled a could-be positive patient. I don’t want them to be as stressed as I am, and since then I couldn’t sleep properly. Am I depressed? I’m coughing, sneezing and my nose is clogged. I self-isolated. Maybe I got it? Or maybe I’m just depressed? Well firstly, I’m depressed, secondly for my patients, for my family and for myself.

Good thing I’m three days off before I came back but I called our sister-in-charge to see how my patients were, if the results were okay or not and she happily told me that they were negative. I responded with glee but then I thought, “Well, the gap of three days of awaiting test results could still let them acquire the virus and thus will make them positive and infectious.” And so I continued to pray, as I’m still depressed and I still couldn’t sleep. I should get more sleep to help me look after my sick patients to help them improve. I’m fighting my own battle here.

The next week I was allocated to seven patients who are positive, I complained to the sister but just assured me that as long as I wear proper PPE and do hand washing I’m already good. But I cried silently because I still have my family waiting for me when I come home, because I could be a carrier, you know, I answered my colleagues after asking me why I have the long face for the whole day. And then I saw right in front of me Patient JA was struggling for his breath by falling down slowly desperately asking for help, I don’t know why, then I saw his sats decreased to 80%, with full blast oxygen. I prayed for him at that time, that he knew Jesus. A day or two later he passed away. I was able to sleep thereafter, for four hours at max.

Then yesterday I went to another ward where all of the patients were positive as my original ward prepped for the next week’s possibilities. I had lots of depressed patients, how about me?! “Well, remember you?” I thought, “We are a patient-centered place so I have to look firm and strong and inspire them to keep them going.” My 70-year-old female patient smiled at me after hearing me say, “Don’t let yourself get defeated with this virus, you are stronger than this! You know, I’m strongly against this Covid thing happening in the world, where it destroys the human cycle by erasing the elderly, where they should be the ones giving us wisdom and inspiration to us youngsters. Otherwise, we end up having no direction. So how can we inspire our children by then? Our children’s children? Please, be strong. Show to the world you fought with this and I am with you through this.” “You know what, thank you for making me happy. For inspiring me, I will tell my son about what you told me. And I’m strong.” But I saw her face kind of bluish already before my shift ended, I don’t know what happened to her by then, and until now it’s still her sweet smile I see every time I close my eyes. It keeps me awake and cry really. Is she still fighting? I prayed for her.

And then I have to face another day and carry on with my family and get back to work and be strong and go home and be like this over and over again. Please COVID, stop this madness now. Let the front-liners relax now. Please.