HELP....personal statement

[swtgurl]

can i get some help in editing my personal statement.....any help is appreciated....

from my earliest, i have always wanted to pursue a career in the healthcare field and nursing was my ultimate goal. i want to become a nurseto save lives, comfort, and care for patients. to me there is no greater reward than to help a patient heal or recover from an illness.

i am a goal oriented person, and i think i can accomplish anything and everything that i want in life with hard work, commitment and dedication. i am not only an excellent student with perfect gpa but also encompass all the qualities that a nurse needs in order to be successful.

one of these qualities is that i have great communication skills that would help me listen to patients' problems and try to solve them. all the events during my life,death and sufferings that i have encountered in my own life have made me an emotionally stable and mentally strong individual.

another quality i possess is thati am a very tender hearted person and have empathy for others pain and suffering. i believe i can feel the compassion and provide all the support needed to comfort an ill patient. i am a very detail oriented person who pays extra attention to situations and respond quickly and appropriately to make situations better. i am respectful and conscious of all the different cultures and traditions.

becoming a nurse needs extreme hard work and challenges that i am committed to put forward.

i have a great passion for nursing and school name is the right place for me. school name has an excellent and well-known nursing program where students receive extra attention and support.

i am a student who works hard and strives for the utmostpatient careto achieve what i have to in order to help those who are in need. i know that i have not completed one of my pre-requisite class due to my young cousin's death from cancer and my dad's diagnose cancer. ihave already registered for the class and the class will be completed in the summer before the nursing program begins. i request from the admission committee to please give me this opportunity. this program of nursing will lead to a bigger and brighter future and i am hopeful that the members of the admissions committee will recognize my enthusiasm for this program.

[vhinrich]

You have all the right ideas and good wording. There are some grammar and punctuation mistakes here and there. I suggest that you have one of your friends, family member, or classmate look at it and help you fix those errors.

Another thing you should try is to read the essay out loud. When you read it out loud, you will notice the obvious grammar mistakes embedded within the essay.

Good job and good luck

[Michaelxy]

some comments in red.

from my earliest--earliest what?, i have always wanted to pursue a career in the healthcare field and nursing was my ultimate goal-how cliche! be original . i want to become a nurseto save lives, comfort, and care for patients.--see previous comment to me there is no greater reward than to help a patient heal or recover from an illness.--sounds like a pageant contestant.

i am a goal oriented person, and i think i can accomplish anything and everything that i want in life with hard work, commitment and dedication. i am not only an excellent student with perfect gpa but also encompass all the qualities that a nurse needs in order to be successful.--your a student, a bit arrogant to think you know what is needed to be a nurse

end of thesis statement.

sorry if that was harsh, but i write for a not for profit pediatric cancer research center so this is one of the things i know a little about. don't feel bad though, my wife is a k-school teacher and she cringes when she has me look over one of her papers, as i am blunt but honest.

first, i assume this paper is suppose to be in some form of an essay. with that said an essay follows a format. your thesis is first, sometimes second paragraph if your long winded. your thesis should describe the point of reading the paper, it should be an introduction to your argument or statement. in your case, the argument is why you would be a good nurse. this should be near the end of the paragraph and an introduction of your paper. for your final thesis statement, never and i mean never used contrived words like, in conclusion, or lastly, be clever. for example, "it is my belief that my attributes and interest would be a benefit to any team as a nurse." or something like that.

now you should have at least 3 paragraphs that support your argument to be a nurse. these could be qualities, examples or something else. a good example would be, "at age 16 a small boy fell from a tree and i was the only person around. i quickly reacted and saved his life"

your final paragraph should be a conclusion and finalize your paper, paraphrase and confirm your original assertion.

for your first drafts, do not worry about grammar and punctuation, let your software help like spell check and use outside resources. what is initially important is creating an argument that will move people.

i am assuming this paper can either make you or break you, for getting what you want, that is why i am being so forthright with you. i would like to see your post some point later on where you tell us your in.

good luck, and if you would like to see my style of writing when i actually spend some time on it, i can post links to website i have written for.

[NP Sam]

hey swtgurl,

i also wrote my personal statement this year and decided to do it differently from the way nursing admissions people are probably used to seeing (hope it works for me). in your personal statement you have to stand out. my academic advisor suggested keeping it personal without being generic and also that they should want to vote for you for president when done reading your statement (yes you can!). just passing advice along...

there are definitely some grammar/punctuation errors located throughout.maybe reading it aloud to yourself will help. i do understand what "from my earliest" means but i'm not sure everyone will. try making your first paragraph a grabber. tell some personal story that ties into your specific interest in nursing. do you have healthcare experience or volunteer experience? mention that

"i am a goal oriented person, and i think i can accomplish anything and everything that i want in life with hard work, commitment and dedication. i am not only an excellent student with perfect gpa but also encompass all the qualities that a nurse needs in order to be successful." not you think, you can!!! say that you will accomplish everything. is the perfect gpa really a 4.0? some can argue that the minumum gpa needed is perfect because it got them in.

"all the events during my life,death and sufferings that i have encountered in my own life have made me an emotionally stable and mentally strong individual." i would take out this sentence and tell a short story about the death or suffering you have experienced so it can show your mature focus and sincere drive. wait, it is in the last paragraph. bring that up here.

becoming a nurse needs extreme hard work and challenges that i am committed to put forward. extreme hard work is not the right words but i know what you meant. how about perseverance and initiative?

i am a student who works hard and strives for the utmostpatient careto achieve what i have to in order to help those who are in need

how about i am a student who aims to provide the highest quality of patient care to those in need (instead of utmost patient care)? you say to those in need. do you have a specific interest in working in particular area of nursing or particular place like urban areas or overseas somewhere? mention that.

i request from the admission committee to please give me this opportunity. every nursing student hopeful that has ever lived is saying this in their head. but this shouldn't be said, you should show it through your statement. the last sentence of your statement should be powerful and sum up everything. maybe a great quote from florence nightingale or clara barton that also describes you.

sorry i wrote so much but mine was picked apart many times by different professors and random people:uhoh3:.

[Michaelxy]

Good post and advice Sam. I now see that my post was a bit abrasive and I should have approached my response more as you did. I feel bad for that. I guess I was having an off day. After working on the school paper I have been ripped apart by the editor and I guess his teaching style carried over. I am going to work on that as I hated that feeling.

Anyways I agree with you big time. The first paragraph is so important, being that the intro embodies the whole essence of the entire essay and the first impression you make to the reader, it must be a real grabber as you have said.

I find that I spend an inordinate amount of time on the intro or thesis as this helps funnel or channel my thoughts into the subsequent paragraphs.