Help, nursing application.

[camila808]

Hello everyone,

I am applying to SDU Masters program in Nursing and have to turn in an essay on why I chosen nursing, why Im choosing SDU, i need to describe myself and my goals etc. I'm a little nervous turning it in without some peer review or some constructive criticism, so I am hoping to post it here and see if anyone can be kind enough to give me their opinion.

Thank you in advance.

· Yourself

· Your career goals

· The importance of nursing and graduate study at this point in your life.

· Influences on your intellectual development, as well as educational and cultural opportunities available to you

· Why you are applying to graduate school at the University of San Diego

· Why you have selected nursing

I'm an individual who takes school very seriously, I have strong goals and dreams for my future that I am determine to persevere no matter the challenges that I have and will face. I come from a hardworking low-income family where my mom and dad made a decision 18 years a go to move to the United States from Chile for my sister and I to find better education opportunities. Knowing the sacrifices we all had to face leaving people we knew and loved I became eager in making my dreams and goals a reality.

I have always had an interest in the medical field and dreamed of being a Registered Nurse and one of my career goals is to get into University of San Diego Master's Entry program in Nursing. After I graduate and earn my Register Nursing degree I would love the opportunity to work in the emergency room, or Intensive Care Unit. However; I would gladly work wherever my services are needed. My goal is to do what I have set out to do and to be of service to those in need. Furthermore; I want to give back to the community and volunteer to those who are in great need of health services. I know that all my goals will remain dreams if I do not become a registered nurse. Therefore; at this point in my life the importance of nursing and graduate study is and will be my main priority. I have a strong passion and determination to working hard in school and looking for opportunities that will support me in making my goals a reality.

I am applying to graduate school at the University of San Diego because I believe that this school would significantly educate and prepare me for my future in nursing. I would love to have the opportunity to be a part of San Diego University and be a student nurse here because I would love the opportunity to learn in a school that is being recognized as a Changemaker campus. Getting a chance to be part of a school that is committed on working together to find solutions to the worlds more pressing problems is a place I feel that I belong in. USD would not just be a school that would educate and prepare me for my future in nursing but also a school that would give me an opportunity to be part of a community that is inspired to make changes and support social innovations. That is one of the main reasons why I have selected nursing, to make a difference in peoples lives daily. Working with patients and their family members through difficult times is extremely satisfying to me. (or Having the opportunity to impact someone everyday is very powerful). I am very passionate about the idea on being able to help patients and to work as a team with other health care professionals to contribute to patients' well being. Even though nursing is a field that is concerned in helping people, I believe that becoming a nurse requires more from and individual than the desire to succeed. It is crucial for a nurse to be open, strong, determined, thoughtful and caring. I strongly believe I carry all these qualities, and I'm very passionate and willing to achieve this big responsibility. I am very excited about my career choice and I couldn't image myself doing anything else.

[Vicki17, BSN]

First of all, it seems you addressed the questions asked of you and after reading your essay I certainly believed this was your goal and passion in life. That being said, I never had to write an essay to get into school so I'm just going to point out some specific grammatical errors and maybe not all of them. I would suggest trying one of the grammar checking sites for something so important. I've seen commercials for grammerly.com and there may be others. Just a thought.

On to the specifics. Second line – you need a "d" added to determine = determined.

Third line down "a go" needs to be "ago"

Fourth line down I believe it should be "sister and me" not "sister and I". Basically if you read the line through it needs to sound correct for both "sister" and "me" if you were using them individually. (hope I made that clear).

Generally job titles are not capitalized so Registered Nurse should be registered nurse. You should confirm that however.

The line containing "San Diego Master's Entry program in Nursing" is incorrect. Masters should not be possessive. San Diego's would be but I would put the entire school name. Is it San Diego University's Masters… Also frankly that program sounds incorrect. Confirm the formal name of the school and the program. Only put an apostrophe on the name of the school. I don't know if this should all be capitalized either but it's probably OK since you are naming a specific program. Definitely San Diego and University would be capitalized of course.

Second paragraph, change the semi-colon for a comma after furthermore. Also after therefore. Words like these such as "therefore", So, however, etc. need commas, not semi-colons.

Fourth paragraph down, you call SD a Changemaker campus. This should not be capitalized. Also since I don't know what it means they may not either. You might want to clarify that point a little more.

Somewhere (lost where) you say Register nurse. You need to add the "ed," so it's registered nurse.

Lastly, you go between calling the school University of San Diego and San Diego University. I recommend finding the exact name of the school and using it. You wouldn't apply to a job and modify the name of the company. And strangely, there literally could be a university of San Diego and a San Diego University and they might be different schools. I've seen it in other cities.

In general I liked what you had to say in your essay and maybe that is really all that matters. I did find some sentences ran on a bit too so again, I would suggest maybe having an English tutor help you (maybe free at your school?) or using a site. Only because this is so important.

Best of luck to you!

[camila808]

Thank you very much for your feedback!